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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to say no to someone asking me to babysit overnight when I barely know her or her kids?

20 replies

jellybelly25 · 18/03/2011 09:56

This morning a parent I sometimes chat happily to at drop off time but have never socialised with, asked me if she ever needed to go out with her friends (I think her dh works away a lot) would I have her 2 kids overnight.

I said I'm not sure about that and she offered to pay and I said we didn't really have the space.

Then she asked me to think about it, so I said ok. However, I just don't want to. I've been in this situation before - been available and helpful to people and basically I seem to always do far more for them than they would for me, which is partly my choice I guess, as I only ask very select people to have my kids as they don't know them and my youngest in particular is very sensitive and funny about new people (rightly so imo). AND I don't know her, or her kids very well, so what if they don't want to be with me anyway?

I just don't have the time or energy for it anymore and I need to be able to redirect her. Am thinking of giving her the number for a nanny/babysitter I know but I know she's expensive...

So, AIBU? I feel bad about it, because my natural reaction would be to say yes, but past experience is telling me that usually I bite off more than I can chew with these situations.

OP posts:

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 18/03/2011 09:58

YANBU. No is a complete sentence.

frazzle26 · 18/03/2011 09:59

Just say no. If you don't know her very well then she's just being cheeky and she can go and ask someone else (and I'm sure she will by the sounds of it!!)

MrsSnow · 18/03/2011 09:59

YANBU at all!

The moment you accept money for something like that it changes into a different relationship.

As you say, you don't know her or her kids anything could happen. Why be responsible?

HecateTheCrone · 18/03/2011 10:00

I wouldn't say yes to that.

You have the right to just say no. You don't have to offer reasons, excuses or alternatives.

No.

Desperateforthinnerthighs · 18/03/2011 10:00

YANBU - you hardly know the woman and more to the point, she hardly knows you - why the hell would she leave her kids with you...no disrespect but you know what I mean!!! Good god, are our kids not the most precious things we have - why leave them overnight with someone you dont know - beyond belief really

There's nowt as queer as folk!!!

TheCrackFox · 18/03/2011 10:03

YANBU

If she had asked (nicely) if you could have the children for an hour or two then I would say "yes" but a whole night? Tell her "no". flaming cheek of the woman.

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 18/03/2011 10:04

You should give her the nanny/babysitters number and make it quite clear that you will not be doing it. It is not your issue how expensive it is for her to get the childcare she needs... don't worry about it.

Original poster

jellybelly25 · 18/03/2011 10:04

She's foreign and I don't think she has many friends with kids here - but then if she has friends without kids that want to go out with her then she can't be doing too badly? I dunno, it's also the awkwardness that I am worrying about, that I would have been happy to be mates with her but now I feel that if we socialise, it will be all leading towards me looking after her kids and like I said, I've been stung like this before.

And honestly, I just don't have the space to have 2 extra children in my house at length. I would even have been happy to watch them for a couple of hours but now I don't even want to say yes to that because then they will know me and I'll just have to field the overnight question again later on.

It is strange isn't it? To ask me when the children hardly know me.

OP posts:

Original poster

jellybelly25 · 18/03/2011 10:05

that was one of the worst examples of English grammar I've ever written!

OP posts:

Desperateforthinnerthighs · 18/03/2011 10:06

Jellybelly strange aint the word!!! Not that it makes a difference but holw old are her kids (apologies if you have told us) - my DS is 8 and there is no way he would want to go to a strangers house even for tea, let alone overnight!!!

Bizarre!

TheyKnowEsperanto · 18/03/2011 10:06

Stick to your guns. Give her the babysitter's no. (also I'd recommend www.sitters.co.uk as very good - we have found several lovely babysitters and is pretty reasonable) and just say "if you're having difficulty finding a babysitter these might help." As Chickens has said no excuses, reasons, for her to try and weasel round.

mrsmellow · 18/03/2011 10:08

I guess if you get a babysitter through an agency you hardly know them either, at least she's met you at the school gate and you seem nice - maybe she doesn't know how else to go about it? Give her the details of someone you use - I'm sure she'll be grateful.

Original poster

jellybelly25 · 18/03/2011 10:09

Mrs Snow, the money thing was actually the bit that really rang alarm bells. I used to have a friend whose kids I looked after a LOT and she basically said she wasn't in a position to return the favour, so she should pay me to make it fair, or look for a childminder. I said ok, thinking well yes that's fair enough, and there were three of them on top of my two so having five kids for free was qwuite a lot to expect.

However, when she started paying me, her dd told my dd that her mum was my 'boss' and the dad just took the piss royally, was late all the time, and even took an afternoon off to watch the England world cup match (I wanted to watch the match so turned it into an activity for all five kids!!) when the mom had told me they were both busy at work.

We're not friends anymore. So I am absolutely not interested in another situation like that.

OP posts:

lesley33 · 18/03/2011 10:11

I don't think she is unreasonable to ask. But I think it is perfectly reasonable for you to say no.

Give her the contact you have for a babysitter. Its not your problem if she can't afford it. After all its not as if she wants a babysitter for an urgent reason like a hospital operation, she just wants a night out.

Original poster

jellybelly25 · 18/03/2011 10:12

Her kids are 10 and 4, very similar to mine. It would be nice to be friends with her as she seems good company and our kids are similar ages, but now I'm very wary!

mrsmellow yeah you are probably right about that - maybe the personal recommendation is the way to go.

OP posts:

Desperateforthinnerthighs · 18/03/2011 10:17

mrsmellow I never thought of the babysitter through the agency thing so yeah, you wouldnt know them either. Good point but god, would never use those either - there is no way I am leaving DS with ANYONE I dont know, not in a million years

ziva · 18/03/2011 10:22

what a looney.

Original poster

jellybelly25 · 18/03/2011 10:23

Thanks, anyway guys! I now feel more confident in just saying no... I do feel a bit sorry for her that she may not have anyone else to ask...

OP posts:

SnapFrakkleAndPop · 18/03/2011 10:27

YANBU to say no (which isn't a complete sentence but a semantically meaningful non-clausal utterance)

YANBU to give her the number of a recommended nanny/babysitter rather than an agency - at least that person comes with a slight personal touch.

However she isn't BU to ask - as has been pointed out she knows you, she might want to know you better, she's in a foreign country where she doesn't know anyone and is possibly quite isolated and perhaps it's perfectly normal/acceptable wherever she's from to ask/offer like that. Many cultures are much more direct than English.

If you don't have the space then you have a perfectly good reason. You can just say that you'd love to have them but don't feel able to and here's the number of a lovely nanny. You could even make vague reference to the rules on overnight childminding as she's offering to pay....

Then maybe offer to have them for a sleepover one time if both kids get on well to give her a break.

Awhiteelephantintheroom · 18/03/2011 10:33

YANBU, I think it's very cheeky of her to even ask.

I posted on here recently about a similar experience I have had with a woman at school; sometimes she walks past me and ignores me then other times she comes up and asks me to have her children overnight for her. I always say no. Her children are rude, spoilt and badly behaved and I think she's got a cheek asking me.

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