to lose the plot over the way my mother speaks to my 4 year old?

[peterpie]

Bit of background:

Not the best relationship with my Mother for some years now. There are various valid reasons for this which I won´t go into.

She has recently been diagnosed with early stage Alzheimers so of course is very down about it. However she has always been very judgemental, negative and critical of others, a negative person on the whole.

Anyway
She is visiting at the moment out here for a few weeks. (we don´t live in the same country) This happens quite regularly and I admit it drives me mad as its all too intense.

DS1 4 has been ill this week which admittedly has meant he has been somewhat more grumpy than usual. Yesterday my Mother asked him to do something to which he replied with a shouty typical 4 year old "Nooo"
Her retort was "You´re horrible" right to his face When he was upset later in the evening she called him "a big girl´s blouse"

I decided to speak to her about it and with hindsight I know I shouldn´t because she did just what I thought she would. Turn it back on me saying I am being "ridiculous" and "sensitive" That she was "having a laugh" it was "just banter"
WTF??? Banter with a recently turned 4 year old????

Surely my reaction of outrage is normal?

Outrage might be a bit of an over reaction imo.

Yes, I'd be cross if somebody (especially a close family member) spoke to one of my ds's in that way but that's about it.

Perhaps a little reminder that he's 4 and poorly, so he needs talking to a little more gently might do the trick?

I'm afraid its probably the Alzheimers talking, rather than her, so theres no point talking to her about it. The first sign that something was up with my mum was her being inappropriatly narky with ds, and not seeing that there was an issue at all

I can see that outrage may have been too strong a word

I understand that her having Alzheimers is making things worse. That goes without saying. The problem is she has always had a tendency to be unkind with her choice of words. It is not completely out of character. I only wish it was as that would make a difference. Probably the illness exacerbating certain personality traits.

I know I should have kept quiet - the atmosphere is terribe now

Unfortunately, when people develop something like Alzheimers, it doesn't always change their personality. From working in care homes closely with families, you are told again and again that how they are in their illness can be a disinhibited version of themselves. This means that people who were "difficult" before becoming ill seem even more so now.

Yes, her illness might be making it worse, but IMO your 4yo has the right to not be upset in his own home. I'm guessing he doesn't undersand enough about your mum's illness to make allowances for her.

Maybe it would be better to cut back on the visits (either frequency or length) otherwise you will all end up resentng each other and that would be a real shame. You don't want your son's early memories of his grandma to be of how horrible she was to him. Better to have less time together that is actually fun - quality over quantity.

spounds like Alzheimers, before my nan was diagnosed, she would regularly call me as a insecure teenager a fat tart (I was a size 8) totally out of character, told my mum that she looks like a tramp, then go back to being the lovely woman she was