AIBU to lose it with my uptight parents?

[BeingHumum]

DH and I have been vvvvvvv stressed recently as I am likely to be made redundant in the near future, and dh is working bonkers hours and knackered. My very uptight parents, who need everything planned with military precision, started hassling me about exact details of an event not happening for a month, and I just snapped!

I ranted on at them about not having the luxury of hours of free time to worry about distant plans - they are both retired. Also how they would never know the stress of two difficult jobs and a young child as mum was SAH for 10 years. Feel a bit guilty now, but in my defence I am so stressed I feel physically ill and we may have to sell the house if my job goes.

When I say uptight, I mean uptight. After I announced my likely redundancy mum told me I was running out of Jiff and needed to go shopping. Then she started worrying about how long a car journey will be that she's not doing for 8 weeks. AIBU to expect a bit of empathy?

Have we got the same parents? I have the same problem. Drives me insane and I regularly snap. YADNBU. Sorry to hear about your stress.

Old people worry about stuff that is going to happen in weeks, because they have nothing else going on in their lives.

Whilst empathy would be nice, it is not always guaranteed from old parents. They have their own stuff going on.

Why not work out the details they need and give them to them, once that is done it is sorted and they won't be asking again.

Sorry you might be facing redundancy, I hope it doesn't happen.

My parents are a bit like this too and it can be so frustrating. No plans can be 'loose' - it all has to be sorted etc.

I feel for you and your situation and hope that dh is able to find other work soon. Times are tough.

YANBU to want a bit of understanding etc. from parents. I can understand why you went mad at them BUT now its gone this way, why not take the opportunity to talk things through and tell them why you find them so hard work sometimes? Don't loose this opportunity to improve your relationship, as I'm sure you love them. If they're anything like my parents, they won't have a clue why you're so upset!

All the best with your circumstances. Try to get some space and exercise to relieve the stress. Bless you x

Beertricks, thanks I like yours too :) Freebreeze you are exactly right, they really do not have a clue why I lost my temper! I am trying to be patient with them, but the problem is once I sort out the arrangements they want, they'll move onto the next thing and so on, aaaaaaargh. Can usually count to ten but at the mo just feel like saying 'shut up you have no real problems!'

Yup they are old though and the brain works differently then. We have all had conversations along the line of 'If I get like that please shoot me' but in reality when you get there you don't realise I think.

YANBU
But as people get older, small things really seem to stress many people out. I don't think it is just about not having much going on in their lives.

A retired friend has real problems to deal with - partner has parkinsons and she was in hospital recently and very ill. But I have found in the last few years that she worries and gets stressed about tiny things that I know even a few years ago she wouldn't have bothered about.

Unfortunately this seems to happen to most people. But of course it will drive you potty.

YANBU to want a bit of empathy, but as others have said, they have a different focus.

However this grated me and I think YABU for judging your mum for being a SAHM, or not judging but comparing..

"Also how they would never know the stress of two difficult jobs and a young child as mum was SAH for 10 years"

Trust me, this can be equally as stressful as ANY job out there.

Ha- you've done it now jasper! Nice derailment there.

What fear of redundancy does a SAHM have? Parents who both work still have to do all the stuff parents that do not work have to. Do you think they don't feed their children or organise their homes?

You have my sympathy. I sometimes think our parents' generation had it easier in so many ways but don't appreciate it. Don't you need something like 3 times the equivalent salary to buy the same house as in the 60s or 70s? Theres few jobs for life on final salary pensions any more where you can get away with coasting along. Theres university fees, not student grants, to be paid for. It takes longer and costs more to get anywhere. I could go on...

YANBU at all.

Maybe your parents don't realise how critical your impending redundancy is to your finances (they may think your job is some kind of optional add-on). Tell them very clearly, if this is so.

Or, they may just be in some kind of self-involved bubble and not even thinking of your side of the conversation. Try making them talk to your DH instead of you.

I need an [empathy] emoticon for you here. All the best.

OP am I right in assuming your DM knew you were running out of Jiff because she was doing a bit of housework for you?? Your M may well be a right old fusspot but Iam guessing that she is not addressing your 'big issues' cos she dosen't know what to say for the best. I suspect that it is the main topic of conversation at the DPs house and she is actually showing great restraint NOT talking to you about it! Would you really want her twopennyworth at the moment? no thought not. Hence her resort to trivia don't be so hard on the old girl

Read the AIBU thread 'To tell my mother her parenting was not great and effects our relatonship.'and give your head a shake.

Sorry you're having such a tough time.

My in-laws are the same. They both worked full time, but I think working lives were different then. e.g my FIL journey to work used to take 20mins - the same drive these days takes over an hour. He doesn't understand that my DH doesn't get home until gone 8pm when he used to be sat home eating his dinner by 6, so acts all offended if we turn down mid week invitations. His pension pays more than my salary!
My MIL worked in the civil service and doesn't get that you can't leave work on the dot of 5 these days without being seen as a slacker.

They once told us on Xmas eve that they weren't coming to ours for Xmas day as we hadn't 'confimed plans.' We'd agreed ages before that they were coming, but they expected a 'timetable' for the day.
They're not nasty people, they just don't 'get' how much the world has changed.

Times like this, I think ts okay to be a bit selfish. So take any opportunity to get some me-time and be kind yourself.

Oh and YANBU.

YABU. If you're going to have to get into the details of an event why not sooner rather than later? I don't really like it when people suddenly spring things at the last minute.

Well I am a SAH mum and I only think about events in order. So if I have something coming up in a week, I only think about that, not the holiday in 4 months time.

My parents want to discuss things that are happening in months, let alone weeks!

captainnancy I like a good bit of hard hat banter before lunch, it helps me work up an appetite.

In response to

"What fear of redundancy does a SAHM have? Parents who both work still have to do all the stuff parents that do not work have to. Do you think they don't feed their children or organise their homes?"

No fear of redundancy, but EVERY worker then has that fear, so even if there is a SAHM then there is teh worry her partner may become redundant....of course workers organise their homes and feed children. I do that too and all the other things in the middle. What I am saying is that surely the stresses and workload of both working mothers and SAHM's can be held s equal? One does not trump the other. I am SAHM because childcare costs would negate my wages. We have one income and stress about money ALL the time, and redundancy(OH is in the NHS which is making cuts) but I would never ever blame or judge anyone who was in a "better" or different situation to me.

The OP should get empathy but she was def Unreasonable to cast judgement on her mothers lack of understanding based on her being a SAHM. There is/nor should be any comparrison. Each choice, work or otherwise is a hard road. Any family with young children worry about all these things. I don't judge working mums at all...and maybe its niave of me, but I don't expect to be judged to be having an easier life OR less stress because I am a SAHM.

Oh my, I am hungry now

I think you should just sort out the arrangements too and accept your parents are like a lot of older people who work everything up to a big deal in their head.My mother is similar and getting worse.we have to arrange who's doing what for xmas in the summer and it feels like having to make an appointment everytime we meet up ! I have 3 brothers, so you can imagine how laid back and useless they are...it all falls to me and I often have my mum on the phone hassling me to hassle my brothers ! Aaaaargh !

I think the issue is one you might be loosing a substaintial amount of income and 2 your DH is working really long hours- both v stressful

I am loosing my job in 2 weeks - and its was v stressful indeed

And some people have made the assumption -not my parents -that it would be a good thing - yes if we didn't need the money!!!! If someone is a SAHM presuably they did a budget already and didn't need to work

a few of us who are loosing my were dicussing things yesterday - and the word suvival budget seemed to come up so I would look at getting that together -moneysaving expert is a good place to start

My mum often does want to arrange things in great detail quite a long way in advance but after rants
dicussions she now understands with small children and working I just can't do it

My parents are lovely but I do have to say to my retired mum "I can't think more than a few days ahead right now...tell me nearer the time".

Just to say that I think people tend to focus on the ways parents had things easier and forget how some things were much harder in the past.

For example, in the 60's when I was born my brother, parents and I lived in 2 rooms for 5 years. Two weeks annual leave was standard,, most people worked on a Saturday morning, central heating was uncommon, cars were less common, the range of food available was much narrower, cloth nappies were common, etc.

I know some people in the sixties did very well financially at the time. But if you have a look at stats from the 60's and 70's about overcrowding, access to inside toilets, central heating etc, you will see that large sections of the population were living in overcrowded basic conditions.

lESLEY 33 you are spot on

When I had my first three.

No automatic washer

No tumble dryer

No dishwasher

No Tescos deliveries to the door

No computer to spend the odd half hour relaxing on

No mobiles to micro manage hubby and chat to your friends on

No microwave

Worst of all No disposable nappies!

When I had DTs it was a complete doddle in comparison you do have a lot more stress regarding money but it was dammed hard going without the modern day conviences you take for granted so do get real you younger ladies don't know your born!!