to tell my mum her parenting was not great and affects our relationship

[Ihavebeencreditcrunched]

I don't want to drip feed or produce an essay so briefly.....

Spoke to my DB las year about our childhood and we realised we both shared the same memories etc and neitherof us was mental.

Our whole childhood left us with an overall feeling of being an inconvenience, in the way and unwanted. This feeling is worse as my mum (when I was a teenager) told me that she hates children and didn't like us/ couldn't be bothered with us when we were young but liked us fine now we were older. thanks mum.

Fond memories include:

approx aged 5/6 split my head open when a she window fell on me. Mum was in bed and screamed "what the fuck is it now" as I walked up bleeding and crying.

We were shut in our bedrooms so our parents could party all weekend from young age till approx 11

Being left in the car/garden of pubs while my mum worked and dad got pissed.

Being responsible for getting myself and older brother up and ready for school including making boiled egg and toast from around 7. Our parents never explained or helped with personal hygiene etc so I am amazed neither of us was particularly bullied.

Parents wene not there before school and got in around 17:30. We would get fed then ignored so they could watch the news etc. I spent lots of time in my room reading.

Mum threatening to run my brother over (actually chased him in the car) because he took £1 from her purse.

We were pretty feral & unkempt.

Relatives have since told me about the having to provide money, clothes and food for us when under 4 as our parents didn't/couldn't. We were found by locals wandering in our pjs on the other side of the village. Mum tying my brother to the clothes pole so he wouldn't run away.

We have never spoke to either parent about our memories/feelings and currently have a reasonably good relationship ...with mum anyway.

Knowing my mums feelings about children means I don't take my DC (DS4 &DD2) to visit
her often (every few months). She has babysat twice since they were born as I will only ask her if I am totally stuck.

When we do see her I feel on edge and uncomfortable every time my kids shout, jump, play do normal kids stuff and end up leaving after a short visit. She then tells me she doesn't mind I can bring them again ... but in a way like "oh I will try to put up with it"

When we speak on the phone DS might be in the background shouting, playing being a pest trying to get my attention ad my mum will comment on the noise and ask if he ever shuts up. (NO he doesn't ever!!!)

She complains that she misses spending time with me but only wants to do things at night when DH is home and can have the kids or whe I invite her somewhere expects the kids to be elsewhere ??? where exactly? I have no fucking childcare!

She came over a few nights ago with her lover boy and didn't even st down. It was 19:20 and the kids were in jammies ready for bed at 20:00. Whe she came in they were so excited and wanted to play with her. They started running round her chasing each other laughing. They left within 10 minuits.

She was on the phone last night and bought up my childrens "wild" behaviour and how we would never have been allowed to behave like that towards visitors. Yea mum, we would have been locked in our bedroom!

I am so fucking angry with her right now.

sorry, I wasn't brief at all

YANBU - she sounds like a pretty shit mum sadly and I really dont blame you for being angry with her!!!

Not much else to add but sending hugs, sounds like you are a fab mum xx

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. What you describe is child neglect. Maybe write her a letter, that way you'll have chance to really take your time over what you say.

Sorry you had such an awful time x

...and no, you ANBU to want to tell her a few home truths either...she must know how shit she was surely, deep deep down!! She is lucky you bother with her at all!

Do you enjoy spending time with your mum?

Depends what you want to get out of this.

My dh has a similar relationship with his Dad and recently did tell him how he felt. His Dad neither acknowledged what he said or apologised. Initially this made him even more angry but I think now that has subsided then he is now in a place where he feels he owes his Dad nothing and won't regret not having the conversation if his Dad died. Basically it has helped him to move on.

Before you say anything to her think about what you want from it. Because she may well be disparaging, angry, sad, any other emotion or several. And you will have to deal with your emotional fallout (and may end up dealing with hers too).

YANBU to want to tell her how you feel but think about the possible outcomes including both that it doens't end well and also that she wants to 'makeit up to you' and see you all the time. Either of these might not be what you want! If what you really want is to be able to put your childhood in a box - accept it happened and move on - and for it to stop affecting your life (like dh did - he realised that his dad was never going to become the sor tof man he would want a relationship with) then it may help to do that or another approach like counselling (or talking it through with your db) might achieve the same end

Before you talk to her you really need to think about the outcome and what you want from it.

Do you want an apology?

Do you want to sever contact forever?

Do you think she will change?

What could she possibly say or do that would make you feel differently? Chances are you won't will you because how do you heal that kind of neglect?

Otherwise you will just be lashing out because you are angry iyswim and not achieving anything in the long run. Just more hurt for yourself.

Could you foster a decent relationship with your siblings and reduce contact with your mum?

Seems a lot of people are going through this with their mums and it is very sad. Hope you find some way to move on with your own little family.

I was just thinking tha brass. The one thing I know for a fact is none of us deserve this. We can't we were kids, and no kid deserves to be locked in rooms and neglected.

It hasn't come up yet, but I went to my GP and was refered for counselling which helped me decide what to do.

For me that was:
1)I told her (much more politely that this!) to back off and that dropping by randomly was unfair to me.
2)She is not allowed unsurpervised contact with my kids ever. (I didn't explicitly tell her this, but it is a policy my Dad, DH and sister all know about and are expected to live up to)

I decided not to confront her. I had actually tried several times before and never got what I wanted out of it. Just more upset and unhappy.

I don't get anything out of spending time with her, so I avoid it as much as I can without causing family problems.

it is very complicated.

I am not sure what I want from telling her. I don't believe she will appologise as she truly believes our childhood was great and we had a wonderful relationship. She laughs about the "apparent" neglect and tying my brother up etc is a hilarious story. I thought it was normal, I laughed along each time the stories were told. I was only after I had two kids I realised what a screwed up pair my parents were/are.

I didn't realise people brushed their teeth until at 14 a boy told me he knew I hadn't. A girl in the dinner line asked me what all the white crust was in my hair... I had no clue??? We had to pick mould off bread and wear clothes with holes but they always had money for fags and dad to get pissed friday through sunday. These things still piss me off. As our parents were never there, I doubt they even noticed tbh.

I became close to mum from 11 onwards but now realise how twisted our relationship was. They took us swimming and horse riding, (reminds me of the "we took you to museums" thread ) and started taking more of an interest in me, (not so much DB who stayed away at friends most of the time) She made me her "friend" telling me about her relationship problems with dad including their sex lives, (all kinds of fetish shite), taking me drinking, (bacardi and malibu at 14??) We were "best mates" until I got real friends & boyfriends at 17. We drifted along until she cheated and left dad 6 years ago and I realised how fucked up they were. I was put firmly in the centre of their problems, (emotional and financial) until I told them both to leave me out of it and withdrew.

The break up started me thinking about my life/family etc and I contacted DB to discuss things.

I guess part of me just wants to say "look what you did, don't dare question my parenting" which might be cathartic (sp) but not helpful.

I am angry, sad, dissapointed etc at her lack of interest in my children .. but I also expected it.

I love my flawed, twattish parents and I know in their fucked up way they do love us all... they are just.... cunts odd

p.s thank you for your replies. My waffle is a lot to get through and I appreciate your efforts

My gut feeling is that there's no point in bringing it up, OP. Just that she won't be open to what you have to say. I wouldn't call my parents abusive, but some of what you wrote I could identify with. tbh, as I get older I can understand a lot better how stressed my parents were.

YANBU and I'm sorry to hear you had such a crap time.

However, in terms of confronting her, be prepared for it not to go well. I recently confronted my father and he said basically that he did his best and if I'm now saying it's not good enough then tough shit, basically.

Now, weirdly, this has helped me to realise that there's no point wasting any more energy on him and I feel strangely better, but it's taken quite a bit of work to get to this point. What I'm trying to say is that you probably won't get the response you want and you need to be prepared for this and may need help to get through it. I've had some excellent advice here over the years and it has really helped. I wish you all the luck in the world with it all, it's very hard trying to move on from a bad childhood, especially after having your own children.

I could have almost written your post myself OP. Highly recommend this book Toxic Parents

YANBU but you need to bear in mind that she will never change. You can only change how you react to her behaviours. Seriously, read the book, it will help you get ready for the confrontation if there's going to be one, and how to deal with it. I'm reading it right now and coming from a very similar background to you, it's helping no end.

Best of luck

YANBU but yellowdinosaur summed it up beautifully.

Having attempted some sort of 'closure' by talking to my parents about their parenting it became rapidly clear that mum wanted to gloss over it and pretend it was all fine, rose tinted, water under the bridge...

... and my father was resolutely unapologetic, you cut it off at the knee, no such thing as emotional baggage, his decisions/comments at the time his personal business, no JADE (He refuses ever to justify apologise defend or explain. He just doesn't do guilt. Or sorries.

So it really is whether you think getting it off yout chest will help you or whether the potential lack of response will finish you off.

Good luck and you sound like you have learned from her fuck-ups so will nnot be doomed to repeat them. Well done you x

It is a difficult position because she wants a relationship with "me" her friend who until recently believed my upbringing was normal and good. She doesn't know the new shiny me who has open eyes and a clearer view. I don't know how she would react... probably just as described by you all ... anger, refusal to accept responsibility/reality. I have seen her deny family accounts before and the rest she just laughs off.

I have learned a lot from my life including being strict with finances, cleaning my house, spending time with my kids as direct opposites of my childhood so not all a great loss

I get used to shrugging off my parents behaviour but I guess it keeps building up until I blow again and rant for a while.

YANBU, in fact you are being very reasonable.

it sounds horrific, you were basically neglected and abused. It also sounds like despite this awful start, you have made a life for yourself and your children that bears no resemblance to the dreadful upbringing you had - which many people who have been abused/neglected struggle to do. So all power to you for making a success and happy life for yourselves despite your rubbish start.

I have some issues with my own upbringing (not abuse/neglect, other things) that I have raised with my mother at counselling sessions in an attempt to improve our relationship. However, I have been left feeling more angry/ambivalent towards her as she refuses to accept any responsibility and has an 'oh, but' answer to everything.

So if you want to get it off your chest - thats one thing, if you are expecting acknowledgement/apology/amends - then you may not get that and may be left feeling worse.

I wish you luck with this situation- you had a shit start and its hard to just forget that. What does your brother think?

Oh dear, I haven't spoken to my mum for the last 10 years.
Still send her birthday and christmas cards with M&S vouchers, but really just can't bear her as a person.
I was the oldest child had 2 brothers one who was less than a year yonger than me and one 5 years younger.
I think my problems probably started before I was 1 when brother was born and I became Miss Independent.
I was (I think, although I wonder now) a daddies girl, but he worked abroad from when I was 7 and then they divorced when I was 14 and never saw him again.
I remember being locked in a bedroom in a caravan, door tied with a tie or something at about 5 while they went out for a few drinks. Think my brother and I were tied in so we wouldn't be able to get out of the caravan.
Was once whacked with the dog lead because I ate the liqourish allsort that had been left for my brother for the next morning on our bedside table. I had already had mine after he had gone to bed. I did try eating only 1 of the 3 layers, then decided to eat the other layer and leave the liqourish centre for him and then could resist no longer and ate the liqourish. What the hell did they expect with that temptation next to me. I would have laughed if one of my kids had done that!
While my dad was away once when I was about 8 my brother and I must have been naughty as she made us pack a suitcase and told us she was sending us to live in a childrens home.
I was once going to run away from home and live in my cousins wardrobe. It was all agreed, she would sneak food to me.
I have 2 grown up boys (19 & 23) who have been brought up in such a different way to me (their dad and I still married for a start) and I think they will look back on very happy childhoods.
My only worry though is that I am not particularly demonstrably affectionate with them. DS1 was very snuggly and cuddly until DS2 was born nearly 4 years later. DS2 was cuddly right up to about 12 though.
Hope I haven't damaged them!
I have to say that when my mum visited when they were smaller (she lived abroad for years) she was never a hands on granny (would fall asleep at the drop of a hat) unlike DH's mum who would be playing with them, reading with them, couldn't do enough for them.
Sorry about the ramble, but I know that I am happier in my life with no contact with my mum.

I am so shocked by the number of people who have experienced such shitty childhoods. I am so scared of hurting my kids and leaving them with bitter scars about their childhood.

DB left home at 17. TBH he had already left because he was always at his friends houses. When we were young it was us against the world then when we hit teenagers we drifted. He lives abroad and likes to keep a good amount of sea between him and his family. He visits every few years for christmas out of obligation but he hates coming back. We managed to clear the air during our talks and became close again but he can still only handle family in small doses. He lives the life of a perpetual student wandering the planet making friends, (everybody loves him), then moving on.

DH experience and childhood was very similar Bearcat. He and his brothers & sister ...even cousins were tied up in bed by their parents so they could go out for drinks. They were locked in cupboards for being naughty. The oldest child, (approx 11), was responsible for the others including the two year old brother. One day they went to the shops and he left the two year old there, no idea why or what happened. The eldest was hit so hard in the face, the next day at school the teacher phoned the police and they were all taken into care.

DH spent his childhood in and out of childrens homes and juvie. He got into crime .. encouraged by his mum who took cuts.. she even got them to steal an ex's car and burn it when he divorced her. He, like me, just wants to work and do well for our family. We both get pissed off when MIL or my mum talk about our childhoods (is that a real word? )or suggest/critisize anything about our children or parenting

OP I am a big one for saying respect your parents make allowances for your Mam and Father least said soonest mended ect ect. But the fact is she is not your Mam she dosen't deserve the title of Mam she may well have all the reasons and excuses in the world but the fact is she did what she did to you and she failed to do what she should of done. Frankly if you stepped over her in the gutter it would be no more than she deserved. Sack the old bitch you don't owe her anything and she is not worth the salt of your tears. Put all your energy into being a GM and partner you are despite all that was done to you a fine lass. All the best to you and your bairns they are going to have a lovely life with you as their Mam.xxx

Creditcrunched - my brother is exactly the same, left when he was about 19 and went halfway around the world and very rarely comes back. My parents have done a job of whitewashing the past and pretendign to be really sound now and I'm not sure if they've sucked him in and turned him against me now. I can't see us ever sorting it as he hates talking about stuff, but he's old enough to make up his own mind I suppose. Glad you have managed to sort things out with him. He's probably got the right idea as far as distance goes...

Bint I held a lot of resentment towards my big brother ... of a whole 18mo... as his withdrawl as a young teenager left me without my rock, not us against the world anymore, just me by myself getting pulled into my parents crap. (thats how I see it now, back then I was grateful to even be noticed by them). DB held loads of jelousy towards me, the "golden child" He thought my life was roses and he was the odd one out.

I got in touch via facebook and I sent an essay (i'm sure you are all surprised ) really opening up to him and showing him what my life was. He was able to read it all and take it in and he then opened up to me. I would love to imagine you could get some form of relationship back with your brother. You shared a mutually sucky childhood and it might help him to realise this.