Firstly hello, This is my first post but I've been lurking over the last few days and there seem to be some really together and focused people here which I don't feel I am, but feel desperately I should be.
I'm not sure if this is BU or not, TBH. I feel totally chaotic and I hate it. Maybe I'm a control freak? Anyway, I'm almost 30. My husband is currently out of work. He was self employed for a long time and seems to have trouble adjusting to being managed. I do have my reservations about his coping abilities and attitude though.
I think its best to say for the last 5-7 years we've been under tremendous stress with a family business going under, the repercussions of which have been enormous. The stress was so great I almost feel like I'm "stunted" as if I've spent the last few years just coping, moving from one disaster to the next.
The disasters are pretty much over now and we know where we are. Financially its a mess. My husband owes a very large amount which is likely to take all his take home pay (when he is working again) for a good 4 years. This means for the most part I will be responsible financially for our day to day life.
I don't like this and the main reason is I don't feel I am achieving much with my own life and I'm blaming him for it. This is probably U- after all, if I were single I'd have to support myself (although arguably it would be cheaper) I earn a good salary, I've worked hard for a number of years to gain a profession and I'm just starting to reap the benefits.
I'm starting to realise all the things I could've achieved in my 20s if I hadn't been so wrapped up in these problems- buying a house and building a home, travelling. My husband owns a house we did live in. When it became clear it was unaffordable we had to move out and rent it out. I don't own a home. There is no equity in his house currently and a v large mortgage. There will be equity when these debts are paid off, as they are secured against it until then.
I want children, and I want to build a happy home for them. I want to do this with someone I can trust to contribute financially, who I can trust to be a good example, who I don't have to worry about all the time because he gets himself into so many problems.
H is quite immature, and grew up in a very narcissistic family. Consequently he's nowhere near as clever as he thinks he is, which is why I think he struggles to fit in at work. That isn't an excuse, that's just what I think. I detest his parents and they have caused a huge amount of stress in the time I've known him. I've honestly never met anyone so genuinely bad.
I just don't know how to go about any of this. I could buy a house, but I'm getting stressed getting together the deposit- I can't save as much of my own money as I should because I'm paying out so much. I have my own debts (not large, credit card, overdraft, professional fees repayments) and my ability to pay those back feels constantly under threat by the fact I can't decide what to do with MY money, its for running a house for both of us. And of course if I had been more sensible some of this debt could?ve been paid off when I was younger.
I don't drive but I am learning; its not going well. another thing which makes me feel unable to cope with the basics.
Its totally the wrong thing to do but I look at people my age with these things and I feel so idiotic, like I don't quite "get" how to be a grown up. How did they get it together to build extensions, get a nice car, have savings to go on maternity leave? I don't feel entitled- I know they've worked hard for that. I also know that whilst I was off on crazy nights out and holidays and living in a fabulous house they were quietly plugging away at their careers and finances and doing the sensible thing. I've missed all that and I guess I just don't feel I have the life skills to get back on track, if that makes sense?
This is so jumbled. If there is any sense in here, I would appreciate any advice, or experiences. I want a solid, secure life. I want to be stronger and more focused, and I want to be one of those women who gets what she wants because she knows what it is. I have the intelligence for this and I think I have the drive. I just don't know where to start.
This is not helped by the fact my husband is so hard to talk to -this being the obvious answer of course. However I find that when I come home after work (stressful job) and hes been at home, I'm infuriated before I even walk in the door. He is desperate for chat and company and I just want to be alone.
If I try to talk to him he'll become the victim, or he'll just dismiss everything and say "lets wait and see" or he?ll say daft things like "I?ll get a job which will pay then I'll take home X a month and then we can do XYZ" he'll even do a little rec about how it will all be paid for- with an imaginary wage. What can you say to that?