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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel this was an invasion of privacy, even if i maybe in the wrong?

22 replies

Aworryingtrend · 17/03/2011 10:54

I genuinely don't know whether AIBU or not. I am feeling very upset though, so no flaming please.

I'll try and be as succinct as possible.

Currently I am selling something on Ebay and there has been a lot of bidding on it, which I discussed openly with family/friends in an 'ooh I didn't expect that' type way. My mum then looked up the item on Ebay, I think to see if there were any more bids on it. Its an unusual item and my username made it clear it was me (diminutive of my RL name).

HOWEVER she then also clicked on my 'feedback' score' which of course shows items I have recently bought and sold. I am and as there were some 'risque' items that I had bought for DH as a joke Valentine's present. Worst of all, I had sold something she had bought me as a present. She is now upset and angry that I didn't tell her I had sold the item. I feel angry and that my privacy has been violated in that she has been looking at the things i have bought and sold. I also feel guilty about selling the preset she gave me but it wasa perfume I would never ever wear (rather mature) and the £25 it made was much more useful to me- but I would never have hurt her feelings by telling her this.

There is something of a past history in that she does have issues with being overly-involved in my life and I would say 'nosey' for want of a better word- she ha used my brother's facebook account to see what I have posted about on facebook then told me about it. I don't understand why as I do speak to her every day on the phone! She is a very 'needy' person I would say.

I'm at a loss as to what to do next, we left it a a stalemate last night.

OP posts:

PaperView · 17/03/2011 10:57

It's not an invasion of privacy if it is there for all to see though.

wannaBe · 17/03/2011 10:58

tbh, it's the internet. There is no such thing as privacy.

Ultimately if you're going to sell things on a public website then there is the chance that anyone can access it and see what you're selling/have sold. If you've discussed the item wrt the value of it etc then there was always a possibility someone might go and have a look.

Lucyinthepie · 17/03/2011 11:00

Agreed. Your feedback is public info, and I think anyone might look out of idle curiosity. And you should have thought quicker about the perfume and said that someone else also gave it as a present and you didn't need two bottles.

caughtinanet · 17/03/2011 11:00

Its annoying but ebay feedback is there for all to see, thats exactly why I don't talk about things I buy and sell with enough detail for people to find them.

I don't really have anything to hide but it does just seem a step too far for people to be looking me up and having a nosey at my items, its a bit like going through someone's credit card statement.

I don't have any advice for you but I can totally see why you're upset.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 17/03/2011 11:01

YABU I am afraid. I honestly doubt that you'll get anyone saying you aren't.
Suck it up.

receiverofopiniongiver · 17/03/2011 11:01

I know how you are feeling re FB.

Only advice I can give is after my mother did the same with my siblings to me. I hid my status updates to my siblings (i can read all about their lives if they want to hide them from me that's their choie) but I've not out right offended them by blocking them (they have just assumed I don't post on FB anymore!!!).

squeakytoy · 17/03/2011 11:01

You could say you knew that perfume cant be taken back, it brought you out in a rash, and you sold it so that you could buy something else with the money instead. You should have said that you thought you had mentioned it to her but must have forgotten (although sounds like it is too late now for that excuse). Or you could have said you got given two lots of it and the one you sold wasnt the one she gave you..

Its not really an invasion of privacy, as anyone can look at your ebay history if they know what you are selling. Just open a new ID for selling unwanted gifts in future. :)

Original poster

Aworryingtrend · 17/03/2011 11:04

Thanks, I think Im more cross with myself for not having thought of potential ramifications- especially knowing how nosey she is. Good diea about a new id for unwanted gifts- or I think you can make listings private, i might look into that. Grr.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 17/03/2011 11:06

You can make things private, but that would just invite more curiosity, and its quite easy to find out what the item is anyway if you are really nosy.

LineRunner · 17/03/2011 11:06

Hi there. Can I be a bit blunt - but please do imagine the kind twinkle in my eye, ok? If your mum, or indeed anyone, is able to access something you have put on the internet, then it isn't actually private is it?

What it is, is public domain material.

I guess we all learn lessons about this the hard way. I certainly have!

As regards your mum in particular, I do think it sounds a bit like maybe she wants to catch you out, part of her issues about being overly-involved in your life (as you say). And, well, she did. Selling her gift to you on Ebay and her then finding out via Ebay is bloody embarrassing! I guess you've said sorry, and she does deserve that I think. But on the other hand if she's determined to go trawling for stuff you've done or said, then she's going to find stuff eventually that pisses her off. She needs to realise this. You can't police her feelings.

poopnscoop · 17/03/2011 11:11

I would be careful if I were you, and create a new account on ebay, as said. She is within her rights to have a nosey, as frustrating as it is.

My BIL asked me to help him set up a blog. He asked to have a look at mine so he could get some ideas. I haven't told him as my MIL is very nosey, as is SIL, and they don't need to know my every thought and deed. So NO, they don't get to see my blog. It's for ME.

I keep certain parts of my life private form other parts.

VajazzHands · 17/03/2011 11:13

If the OP had left receipts out her mum could have found them and read whats she had been buying but you trust people not to invade your privacy!

She had no reason to go through her feed back, that's there for other ebayers she is doing business with not nosy mums.

I also think once she had done it she didn't need to comment an risk embarrassing the OP.

yanbu

ineedagoodsolicitor · 17/03/2011 11:14

I feel your pain, this would embarrass me tremendously having someone I know trawl my buying history and know how much/what I have bought recently (and it's not even anything dodgy).

I've been thinking of de-registering for a while and picking a new name to re-register with.

VajazzHands · 17/03/2011 11:16

oh and also when mumsnetters have come on in the past to say their partners are following them on mumsnet everyone agreed that was an invasion of privacy, so how is this is different?

squeakytoy · 17/03/2011 11:19

You can change your user name too, but that isnt a foolproof way. A new account is the most secure way. You can have more than one account linked to the same paypal account though, so no need to close the first one. And you can have the feedback merged, which helps if you are a seller with good feedback that you dont want to lose.

EldritchCleavage · 17/03/2011 11:20

It's not so much about privacy as such as about boundaries. Your mother is overstepping the mark in actively going looking for things about your life that she doesn't need to know and which are nothing to do with her. As others have said,if you left receipts or letters or statements out in full view you would not expect her to go through them.

Don't be too apologetic. Your mother is nosey. If she goes trawling for information, there's a good chance she will find things she doesn't like. Went that happens, you don't have to submit to interrogation or emotional blackmail over it. Why not just say you're sorry she is upset, you certainly didn't mean to hurt her feelings but you are an independent adult and so you are not going to be held to account by her over everything you do.

EldritchCleavage · 17/03/2011 11:21

Doh! When, not Went.

Original poster

Aworryingtrend · 17/03/2011 11:23

God Eldritch, reading your post is like a breath of fresh air. She is a classic emotional blackmailer and I'm ashamed to say most of the time I succumb for an easy life. Its just the containt having to know EVERYTHING and if I so much as expressannoyance that she has overstepped the mark (hugely) I'm the bad guy.

OP posts:

headfairy · 17/03/2011 11:26

ebay feedback is public, so in that respect it's bad luck your mum saw it but YABa bit U. However, it's a bit like that old saying, evesdroppers never hear good of themselves. If someone goes snooping they shouldn't be upset if they find out something they don't like.

MrsH75 · 17/03/2011 11:32

I think, which it's a public website, your mum is being a nosey cow poking around finding out what you've bought and sold. She certainly has no right to comment on it. Tell her to butt out. I think it's a bit like leaving your diary around, doesn't mean someone should pick it up and read it for no good reason. It's fine for potential customers to look this information up, that's what it's for, it certainly isn't intended to be a subject of family debate.

EldritchCleavage · 17/03/2011 11:53

Thanks, dear!
My mother is not so bad but she does have slight tendencies in this direction so my siblings and I have had to get adept at letting her know some things just aren't for her to intrude on. And if she does, more fool her-there won't be a discussion about it. Funnily enough I think she's much happier now she's got that on board. You don't worry about things if you don't know about them.

nectarina · 17/03/2011 12:06

I agree with Eldritch - just because something is in the public domain, doesn't mean its not hurtful or annoying to find out that someone is looking up everything in minute detail.
It sounds like she is incredibly needy, and needs to know EVERYTHING about you. You have every right to feel upset.
I think you need to be honest with her and at times tell her that something is private business, and doesn't concern her. You are probably afraid of upsetting her, especially because you know her hearts in the right place, but unless you stand up for yourself you will always feel resentful. This will make a healthy relationship difficult with her.
As for the ebay matter, this is all public information but you really have to do some digging to find out the back catalogue of sales and purchases. She is being controlling to want to find everything out. I'm repeating myself a bit, but just because I'm in disagreement with the majority of posters.
good luck

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