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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Does a toddler need a Dad more than 2.5 hrs a week?

22 replies

jonsutherland · 17/03/2011 07:53

Hi,

For the last 18 months I have seen my son for only 2.5 hrs a week on a Saturday. My son is 2yr 7 months. I am not on his birth certificate so I have no rights as his Dad.

I asked lots of times to see him more, all of which I have been told no. The reason I've been told is the change to his routine would be too upsetting for him.

I am only asking to take him to nursery a few times a week. Is this really going to upset him? Or is being without a Dad more harmful?

Is it better for him to get to bond with his Dad while he is still young or should I wait till he is old enough to understand whats going on?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,

Jon

OP posts:

Hammy02 · 17/03/2011 07:57

I think you should be able to see him more. Surely whatever his routine is you could take over. I am sorry to hear that you are not having as much time with your son as you would like. Why aren't you on the birth certificate?

4FoxAche · 17/03/2011 08:00

I would be seeing a solicitor to talk about getting your name on his BC first.

Then sorting out more reasonable access.

No I don't think 2.5hrs a week is enough as long as there is no other factors involved ie: violence/drug abuse etc.

Original poster

jonsutherland · 17/03/2011 08:02

Hi,

Thanks for your reply. I'm not on his birth certificate because I was working in Hong Kong when he was born. I have asked to have my name put on but I was told 'it didn't matter if I wanted to or not it wasn't going to happen'.

Jon

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 17/03/2011 08:04

Are you maintaining the child with child support? i.e financially? The mother has clearly accepted you are the childs father and as such should afford you more access.

A child needs it's father.

I would say that it might be beneficial for you to see a solicitor to get more access.

Snorbs · 17/03/2011 08:04

I don't believe 2.5hrs a week is sufficient contact unless there are very good reasons for it. Children often have changes to routine and cope with it provided they are supported properly.

As you're not on the birth certificate then, as you are no doubt aware, you won't have Parental Responsibility by default. But that is easily remedied. You can either ask your ex to sign a Parental Responsibility Agreement or, if she refuses, then you can apply to court for a Parental Responsibility Order. You would almost certainly get it.

That being said, I'd suggest you leave court as an absolute last resort. It can be very antagonistic and tends to make the whole thing into a battle. Mediation may be a better way forward if you can't come to a mutually acceptable agreement between yourselves.

Finally, I'd very strongly recommend you get in touch with Families Need Fathers. They're a good bunch and can give you advice over the phone without needing to be a member.

Good luck!

GiddyPickle · 17/03/2011 08:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hammy02 · 17/03/2011 08:05

It seems shocking to me that you aren't on the birth certificate if there is no reason for you not to be. Is there a valid reason for this or is the mother just unreasonable?

Gster · 17/03/2011 08:08

From most things I've read it is very much in a childs best interests to have two active parents in their life. 2.5 hours a week doesn't sound like nearly enough to me.

You can I believe apply to the courts to get your name on the birth cert. and thus get some 'parental responsibility'.

I'm hear often how my seeing my daughter will ' upset her routine ' and although routine is important it doesn't mean that establishing one with Dad is going to be harmful.

I would see a solicitor and find out how you can get PR and then work on convincing your ex that you are capable of looking after your son. I'd figure on it taking some time though.

good luck.

Callisto · 17/03/2011 08:14

Routine isn't that important for a child. Certainly less important than building an emotional bond with a parent.

curlymama · 17/03/2011 08:20

Your ex has no right to damage the relationship you and your son should have with eachother, unless you were abusive towards either of them. And your son deserves you to fight for him, sooner rather than later.

Get a solicitor and go to court to get your name on the certificate, then you can apply for regular access. Definately get in touch with Families need Fathers, Snorbs advice is good.

Mummalish · 17/03/2011 08:21

Don't mean to open a can of worms, but you say you have been seeing your son for only 2.5 days a week for the past 18 months? What was happening before that? Were you seeing him more, or less of not at all?

Also, you say you just want to take him to nursery a few days a week, don't you want more than that? Don't you want him at weekends or other overnights?

FourFortyFour · 17/03/2011 08:23

No, it isn't enough especially as the child is so young. You need to see a solicitor to get your name on the BC and formalise more access. The mother can't pick and chose what she wants. I am sure she is happy to take your money to finance her child so accepts you are the father so that gives you rights. Get some advice. All a child will want when they are older is to know their daddy fought for them, cared about them and wanted them.

Gracie123 · 17/03/2011 08:28

If your name is not on the birth certificate you should demand a paternity test (or just take him for one in your 2.5 hours).

If you can prove you are the father you will get the same legal rights as being on the birth certificate.

Debs75 · 17/03/2011 08:36

It is better for you to bond now rather then later.
I would get yourself on the BC or get a paternity test so you can prove in court you are the father. 2.5 hrs a week is a pitiful amount. Your son is spending more time bonding with his keyworker at nursery then he is with you.

I hope you can sort something out and get more access soon

Happylander · 17/03/2011 08:52

I strongly recommend Families Need Fathers. They have a website and also a phone number and give out some really sound advice. They will also help you through mediation and also help you represent yourself in court. I would also get a DNA test done. I am sorry you are having to battle to see your child.

I fail to see her point of view in regards to his routine unless you are seeing him at his usual nap times. My DS is a nightmare if he doesn't get a nap in the afternoon but he can have this in the car/buggy or wherever we are. Where are you allowed to see him? Surely if you have him for the whole day/overnight then it would be easier to stick to his routine.

I can't see any reason why your son would be upset if you took him to nursery over his mum.
Good luck and I really hope you get some advice and get to see your son more. Your son has a right to see you. God I hate mothers who use their children in this spiteful controlling way.

GastonTheLadybird · 17/03/2011 08:56

Definitely not enough, absolutely no reason why you can't be part of his routine and assure his mother that you will follow nap, food routines that she has set etc.

You need to speak to your ex ASAP and if she refuses to play ball speak to a family solicitor.

Snorbs · 17/03/2011 09:13

Gracie123, the OP certainly should not take the child for a paternity test without the mother's permission. All those with parental responsibility need to give permission for such a test. That wasn't always the case but it is now.

OP, note that you don't need to have your name on the birth certificate to apply for Parental Responsibility (PR). That your name isn't on the birth certificate is a real shame but is a separate - and, arguably, less important - battle than the one regarding PR. Once you have PR then in the eyes of the law (and absent any residency orders) you are an equal parent to your child.

Gracie123 · 17/03/2011 09:36

Sorry for duff advice! It was based on a situation a long time ago, so maybe not up to date.

Sounds like applying for parental responsibility is the way to go.

microserf · 17/03/2011 09:43

Provided there are no other factors involved as others mentioned, i think you should definitely be spending more time with your child.

My daughter is 2 and I can't imagine her spending such little time with her dad. I don't have any advice, but I really hope you can work out a way to spend more time with your son. Makes me sad to hear about parents who want to be part of their child's life and aren't given the opportunity. The "routine" argument is bollocks - it is easy make a new routine that includes you!

strandedpolarbear · 17/03/2011 11:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

jonsutherland · 17/03/2011 13:34

Thank you to everyone for your advice, I'm overwhelmed by the support.

The reason I asked this was because yesterday I emailed his Mum to say 'It saddens me to hear you put a routine before having a parent. If we can't come to an agreement I'll take this to court.'

She replied 'it sadden her to hear I'd want to take it to court.'

Later I got a Txt agreeing to allow me to see him more. My victory dance was short lived as her Mum then texted to say she was less than happy I threatened to take her daughter to court and it was not in my Sons best interest. I respect her opinion on all matters before so I was confused, but now 21 other people who don't know the situation and are not biased agree with me.

I'm so grateful for everyone's advice. Now I have know doubt this is the right way.

Jon

OP posts:

KatieMiddleton · 17/03/2011 13:39

Yes a toddler does need to see his dad more than that.

You should also get yourself added to the child's birth certificate if possible - for your son's benefit as much as anything else.

But unless you've manned up to all responsibilities (including paying maintainence) you have no business making any demands.

Flip