to ask my brother not to slag off his ex infront of my children

[pingu2209]

My brother has just left his wife and children for a much younger woman. This sounds dreadful, however, his marriage has been on paper only for over 10 years, separate bedrooms for 6 years and no family holidays for 4 years.

The whole family knew that the marriage was really unhappy and although I really feel for my nephews I am happy that he has found love and has a chance of happiness.

However, the years of a destructive marriage have made him really bitter and angry. All he talks about is how horrible his ex wife is and lists all the things she did that drove him away and the death of the marriage.

But my brother is a lot older than me and his ex wife has been in my life for over 30 years. Whilst his marriage was rotten, my relationship with his wife was not. I love her and wish to remain friends.

My children love their Auntie and they are too young to understand about divorse. But my brother keeps saying really horrible things about her.

I am really hoping this is just a phase he has to go through to get over his divorse and eventually he will not be so bitter and angry and will just get on with his life. As his sister I want to support him, so I haven't said anything I am thinking - like well it is never one way, it is normally 50:50 etc. I just listen as a sounding board. But it is hard going!

Am I unreasonable to ask him (he only left 1 month ago), to refrain from saying negative things about his ex or his marriage infront of my children?

No YANBU at all. How would he take it though?

My God no you are NOT! And I am surpised you've not told him to zip it already.

YANBU, tell him you want to stay friends with her and that she's still part of the family. He needs to grow up. Your kids are cousins, he wouldn't want your DCs telling them what he'd said about their mum would he?

YANBU - when my parents divorced (Dad left Mum for younger woman) my mum was very bitter understandably, but as my brother was only 12 and I was 18 and feeling like Dad had abandoned us anyway, I hated it whenever Mum slagged him off. After a while me and my Brother sat Mum down and explained to her that whatever he did to her he is still our Dad and it wasn't fair for her to vent her bitterness at us.

Although everything was very raw at the time she understood and stopped after that. If your brother needs to vent his feelings then fine, but you need to explain to him that he could be affecting your kid's view of their aunt which isn't fair however he feels about her.

I don't think I am being unreasonable to ask him to be positive infront of my children. However, I know he won't take it well.

He is just so prickly at the moment. I can't say anything without him biting my head off. The last telephone conversation he said "let me finish..." 4 or 5 times; when I was trying to change the subject to a more positive one.

I asked him why he was so bitter and negative when he is now, at last, free from the marriage he hated and with someone he loves? He yelled at me "I'm not bitter I am the happiest I've been in my life". I replied with, well you are doing a bloody good job at sounding bitter.

I know this really annoied him. However, he wants all his family to think bady of his ex and I just don't think that of her. I know she was horrible to him, but he was to her too.

I want to support him, I believe he needs to talk about it as it is catarthic for him. So I will grit my teeth and listen.

I just don't know how to broach the subject of him only talking about positive things and the future when he is infront of my children. In saying this, I am telling him he is talking negatively, which he doesn't believe he is.

I haven't met his new girlfriend yet, all the other family have, he is desparate for me to have him and her over but I don't want to until I can be sure he can keep quiet!

Not being unreasonable at all. Tell him that you dont mind talking about her, but you are not prepared to take sides and you would rather none of it was mentioned in front of your children.

If he does start on about it in front of them, either stop the conversation right away, or say "hang on, little ears dont need to hear all this".

Gemjar thanks for that. My nephews are 17 and 12. We all thought the older one would be fine with it but actually he isn't. The 12 year old said he could see divorse coming but the 17 year old has been really shocked.

I have told my brother I wanted to be friends with his ex and that in the long run that would also be best for his children. I have had 2 very long telephone conversations with her and she said that she is careful not to slag off my brother to the children.

Sad thing is, I know that my brother sat down the boys and told them exactly why he left and gave details (that no child should know) as to what went on in the marriage. I think my brother felt he needed to explain his actions in leaving and that the eldest boy would understand that no sex for 6 years is not acceptable to many/most husbands.

Much respect to you for being such a good person with regard to your sister in law and that you love her. This will really help the children.

I have seen families split apart when forced to take sides in circumstances such as this, but the ones with the happiest result for everyone and most importantly the children, are the ones where family members have remained in contact with the ex-partner and on neutral, good terms.

If he carries on like this, his bitterness will destroy his new relationship.