To think my Mum should not be driving?

[Ooopsadaisy]

My mum is in her early 60s and retired.

She learned to drive quite late - (late 30s, I think).

She has never been a confident driver. This has always bothered me a bit, but it is getting worse.

The other day I had a day off work and we decided to "do lunch" (like wot posh wimmin does).

I have been having a few medical issues (long, boring story) so I suggested she drive. This was a bit sneaky because every now and then I like to observe her driving.

First of all we had 7 attempts to reverse off my drive. No-one has ever required more than 1, to my knowledge.

Then, at the end of my street she is turning right but pulls right over to the right hand side of the road so the car coming into my street cannot do so. She panics, he indicates to let her go and I explain that he needs her to go. She stalls.

Then we are going along a main road that she is extremely familiar with and we get to a crossroads without lights at which we had the right of way. There was not even anything coming from either side to confuse her. She stops - just stops dead in the road. Car behind slams to a halt. She says - "Do I go here? Is it my turn?" in a flustered voice.

I say (as calmly as I can) "Yes, mum, it's your right of way, it always has been here".

Then, a few miles on there is a new roundabout that she has not seen before. "Oh, God, Oh God, what have I done - I've come the wrong way! (starts veering onto wrong side of road).

I say - "It's ok - it's a new roundabout - you just go straight across - no, Mum - look at the lane markings - you need to be in that one for straight across ..."

"But I can't go straight across, there's a hump there."

"Yes, mum, that's the roundabout, you just go round it in that lane there."

You get the picture?

AIBU?

It sounds like you being in the car makes your mum nervous.

I have been driving since I was 17, (am now 41) have a HGV licence, and have a clean licence and full no claims, yet with my husband in the car I often make silly mistakes because he is so bloody critical of me.

YANBU. She sounds as though she is a danger on the road. Especially going into the wrong lane when turning right. A car coming into your street would (quite rightly) not expect a car to be there and could've ploughed into her car. For her and other driver's safety, she should not be driving. Sorry if this sounds harsh.

Oh dear, that doesn't sound good. I assume that you're not some harridan who flusters her and therefore she drives like a driving examiner the rest of the time?

If this is her usual driving style then YAdefinitelyNBU. How you get that across to her without causing the mother of all rucks I don't know.

I had considered this but I swear to you that I sit and say nothing drving-related until she speaks to me.

My DCs have often commented on things she's done when they are in the car too, so it's not just me.

I'm actually a bit worried about them being in her car tbh.

If she´s that nervous, she might be glad to give up!

Thing is though, she sounds shit scared. It's not bad driving by the sounds of it, it's panic. She's been driving for, what, 25 years ish? That's a long time to be driving like she does with no improvement in confidence. I've been driving for 20 years and can't imagine being like that for all that time. If she drives regularly her confidence should have improved, not worsened.

Well I can see the POVs here but the reasons behind it arent really relevant are they? The fact remains that whatever the reason, she isnt a safe driver.

I think that the only thing the OP can is take the bull by the horns and say that she is worried about her mums driving and has her mum considered giving it up. It was a miracle that there wasnt an accident on that one journey tbh!

OP that is so difficult. I can completely understand. I've had my Ma up looking after me for the last three weeks as I've been ill and she's been doing the driving.

Whilst she's not as bad as yours I can see in a few years it might be something I have to tackle.

It's a very difficult thing to bring up because it's not just about driving it's about independence.

I think you do need a chat, but try it with a positive slant. The Institute of Advanced Motorists have a Drive Check for over 55s which she might be prepared to do. They also do training for people to give them confidence in driving.

I do wonder whether she would be better with an automatic if she doesn't have one already. It's one less thing for her to think about.

Anyway, YANBU. Do you have any siblings who can help you?

Bogeyface - It was a miracle that there wasnt an accident on that one journey tbh!

That is exactly how I feel. If that is just one 20 minute example of her driving then what is the potential on other occasions.

She doesn't drive much anymore (retired) and has only ever driven "to places she knows" (FFS????????)

My StepDad has also just retired and I wish they would just have the one car and he be the only driver.

They live in a village, but surely they could manage with just one car now? Besides, plenty of people manage without any and I'm sure the money would help.

How would I approach suggesting that she think about a refresher course, for example?

I'll be honest, I think she's beyond it. Her attitude to learning anything these days is very negative. She makes excuses about being "too old to learn how to download music" or "at my age I can't text".

Well my Dad is is 70 this year and gets every gadget going. He's a bloody demon with his i-phone!

PigeonPie - No siblings but I have 2 wonderful step-brothers and step-sisters-in-law who think she is a bloody menace on the road. They all, understandably, feel it's not their place to comment though and I respect that.

My DP has never thought she was safe and he's known her for 22 years.

Can you talk to you step dad? Do you think they would do a course together?

Could you buy her a refresher course for her birthday? She does sound scarily a bit dangerous.
I would also stop my children being in the car with her too.

My father has given up driving recently. He always made my mother nervous if he sat next to her when she was driving.

She has now decided that as she was nervous, particulary about joining the motorway, that she would do an advanced driving course. She has only taken one lesson so far, but is very enthusiastic about it. Evidently, you can do the course, but don't have to take the exam if you don't want. She is already practising to rid herself of some bad habits that she got into.

I would really encourage your mother to do an advanced course. I think it takes 4 weeks at one lesson per month. They do about half-hour of driving with Q & A sessions later and videos showing different situations for positioning, etc.

Has she always been a nervous driver, or was there some incident or period of time when she wasn't driving that put her off?

My mother took some refresher lessons when she went back to driving after a stroke, and I think a lot of driving instructors do offer short courses for nervous/older drivers.

If you (or your stepfather) could possibly get her to sign up for one, she might either improve, or be told by the instructor that she is not actually safe to drive and would fail a test if she retook it. Maybe look into local driving schools, get a leaflet, and give it to her, saying you noticed she seemed a bit nervous the other day, and you thought a few sessions might boost her confidence?

Yes - talking to StepDad might be the way forward. Now they are both retired it would, I think, be a sensible step to review the two-car situation anyway.

StepDad has no need to do any driving course. He is very capable and safe and would be reluctant to get involved as I think he would fluster her.

Actually, I am getting a bit tearful here ... there is a bit more to this ...

My Mum seems to be getting so old in so many ways and it's upsetting me terribly.

She went on CND marches in the 60s and squatted in a house off the Kings Road.

She was the first person I ever heard say "bollocks" and as a teenager all my friends thought she was the coolest thing ever.

She had a tough time up until she met my StepDad and she was always someone who never ceased to amaze with her strength and resilience to the shit life throws at you.

Now she is just so .... old ... suddenly.

And we don't "do old" in our family. We live, independantly into our 90s and .... well ....

Thank you all for kind advice.

ILoveJudgeJudy - she has never driven on a motorway. (Yes, I know).

exexpat - Yes - always nervous. Her driving has always been extremely suspect. DP first met her 22 years ago and was terrified of being in her car.

Ooopsadaisy - is there more to this than just driving?

Do you think she could do with a talk with her GP about Altzheimers? It's something I'm having to consider with my Ma and it's upsetting to think about. However there are drugs out there which can help with the early stages.

It's always sad when you have to start taking over the role you expected of a parent.

Pigeon - she has had some problems in the last year. She was (in my non-medical opinion) depressed.

I have had many very teary chats with her and sent her to the GP. She had lost mases of weight and was behaving very erratically. At this point my step-brothers did intervene and we all had a bit of a get-together about it.

The GP is monitoring her regularly. No medication was prescribed and I am happy that her depression is reducing. It's all a very long story but I think she was scared about StepDad retiring.

However, the driving problem has always been there. But now, with age, it's deteriorating.

It sounds as if she doesn´t enjoy driving & only does so when she really has to-or feels she does?

An advanced course might either help her confidence or make her realise that she really hasn´t "got what it takes".

How stuck would she be if she gave up?

YANBU. Either yr Mum practices her driving a lot/tackles her nerves some other way or gives up.