to be angry at my friend/PTA chair

[pingu2209]

My friend, who is also the PTA chairwoman, works part time. I am a stay at home mum. She has 1 child (age 7). I have 3 (age 7, 4 and 2). I am also living in a building site as we are doing our 1973's time warp house up. Also my husband leaves the house at 6am and doesn't get home till 8pm so I don't have a lot of physical help with the children Mon - Fri.

Last night at our PTA meeting, she gave me the job of taking minutes because I was free during the day to type them up. Someone has to do them so, hay ho, it may as well be me. It was more the comment 'you are free during the day', which anoyed me as her assumption that I have loads of free time because I am a stay at home mum is frequent.

She once asked me outright 'what do you do all day?'

I am not stupid or lazy being a stay at home mum. I am educated to Masters level and had a challenging career until I was 34. I made the choice to stay at home, just like she made the choice to continue to work on a part time basis. There are no rights or wrongs in which decision to take.

I don't think worse of her because she works or make comments about her not being there for events during the school day. It wouldn't cross my mind to do so.

Would it be unreasonable of me to tell her she is annoying me with these comments?

I think comments either way rile people. The "I bet you never see your kids" comments to the WOHM and the "What do you do all day" comments to SAHM. The more I'm on here the more I just think oh come on live and let live. OP I feel your pain but let it go and so long as you are happy and confident in your choices and they work for you as a family just ignore her.
BTW I have always worked part time and am never quite sure which camp SAHM/WOHM I fit into so I say the above with a foot in both camps.

I would just ignore her unless she keeps repeating these comments.

Or type the minutes so badly that she never asks you again.

"No" is a complete sentence in its own right.

Get your 4 and 2yos to type the minutes.

As SAHM to three aged 6, 2 and 8mths, I sympathise with your situation and don't doubt you are very busy. Just tell her that you don't have time this week.

But, If you don't have the time, why are you on the PTA in the first place?

Why are you MNetting when you have minutes to type up?

Don't have time to type minutes but do have time to type AIBU on mumsnet? Shot yourself in the foot there.

Pah. Memoo beat me too it.

Your lifestyle must prick her conscience. She is struggling with her own choices. You are happy with your current situation. Try not to let her unsettle you. The most civilised way to deal with her is to ignore her fatuous comments. Incidentally if she is hoping to wound you with her barbs the best way to irritate her is not to let her see they have reached their target.
PS and dash off those minutes in a marvellously professional way.
Best of luck
PPs this happened to me when I was a SAHM

In response to the "What do you do all day?" question, the only answer to give is,

"Whatever I like!" Said with friendly smile on face which is just a teensy weensy bit smug!

You should have just said you cant do them!

On the 14th of (hang on, daughter has just fallen over) March 2011 the following (wait a mo, nappy needs changing) people attended (stopping for lunch) a meeting (whoops, baby crying) at the PITA Committee (stop, just getting baby to sleep) at the Meeting roooooooooooooo ms (sorry, little one on lap) at Nowhere Town (hang on, just got to breastfeed) in order to decide(just got to get dinner)..............she'll get the message!!!

Love it ladythumb!! PTA chair only has ONE child. She doesn't know she's alive!! Ask her to babysit your three while you type up the notes. She might 'get' what you do all day then.

Senua - I'm typing this on bb while feeding DS3 I I would not be able to type minutes. Op I feel your annoyance - I'm a SAHM to 3 under 5s and I've found that I've stopped telling people about my day as I'm sick of comments - however most of my mum friends have gone back to work and all say they have more free time in the day than when they were at home - apart from one who is a OB Dr! Just ignore her!!

Next time ask her, as she is part time, what she does when she is not at work. Depending on her answer, tell her that is what you do, although you have less spare time as you have at least 1 child who is not school age.

Just rise above it, she has a bit of the green eyed monster I think, and just having a swipe at you.

This always annoys me, the way people expect people who dont work to be the ones who should volunteer because 'they have the time'. Well that might or might not be the case, but in case they have forgotten, they get paid to work, they arent doing it for free!

I say this as someone who does work most days by the way, but i dont think my friends who dont should be the first up for helping out at school events etc. It up to all of us.

What she said was rude, and I am not surprised that you are angry. But I wondered if she is trying to share out jobs among committee members? You have not said what your role is on the committee. With the committees that I have had involvement with, there has been a secretary who does the minutes, but know of other committees where minutes are done on a rota. I know that when I have been on a committee I have been keen to do a job that fits in with my way of life.

So, I have been secretary and done the minutes because I found this "easier" than arranging events/setting up hall for disco/buying refreshments etc. I have also in the past volunteered to write letters to local businesses to request prizes for events. In this way I can "do my bit" and feel I am contributing.

Is you friend simply trying to share out jobs? Apologies if I am wrong about this, and as I said at the beginning I am not surprised that you are angry at what she said.

Incidentally I am currently chair of a committee where several members say they are on it to help at events. They never come to meetings. Rarely respond to emails. They do their hour slot at the disco and then go home. They don't help set up. They don't help clear up. Their reason is that they all work full time.

I suspect that these sort of tensions exist in most/all committees.

So, have you done the minutes yet?!

Agree with ibbydibby - all committees (and I've been on loads ) have these issues. The last time I was Chair I had to do the minutes myself as no one else volunteered and I was not bossy assertive enough to suggest everyone took a turn.

(The number of people who say that cannot 'type' minutes yet are totally computer/PC/FB/twitter literate never fails to amaze me!!).

However the good thing about doing the minutes yourself is that you can share out the action points and avoid minuting anything you don't want to have to do .

Its fine to be asked to do minutes but comment about "what do you do all day" is a bit stupid, does she not remember when her child was younger? obviously they do need looking after, taking out etc. But I think typing notes can be fitted in so thats not such an issue but just the rude comment, I would just be annoyed by that attitude more than anything (also sahm, with 2 yr old and 1 yr old so wouldnt say i have nothing to do all day)

Personally, I would have said something. I think the way she spoke to you was rude and disrespectful.

I think that you should do your fair share as you did join the PTA, but that doesn't mean you ought to do more than your fair share just because you are at home and your 'friend' thinks you ought to. I would agree to do them this week, then next time it is someone else's turn.

If these digs are regular, then you should call her on it, because it is obviously bugging you and I don't think people should be rude about your choices/lifestyle and expect no comeback. But don't think you have to explain or justify your choices to her - she doesn't feel the need to explain or justify her choices to you!