Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really annoyed with my partner.

27 replies

Rockmaiden · 15/03/2011 23:11

Background - Our daughter (8) has been really ill for a while with a bad chest and both myself and partner were becoming quite worried about it.

Sunday night she was really bad and I had no sleep all night as was dealing with her and checking on her as she was having breathing difficulties.

Monday morning - I get up after 1 hours sleep to take the children to school (partner has college 9-12)

At 3 pm I leave to pick children up from school (partner still not home despite finishing college 3 hours earlier) As this point I am exhausted.

I go straight to a doctor's appointment with our daughter where she is diagnosed with suspected asthma and given inhalers to use. Both myself and my daughter are at this point upset and worried as you imagine.

Get home at 5pm to be told by partner (who is now home) that they have agreed to babysit for a friend and at 5.30pm they leave. I do quickly explain about the diagnosis in this time.

Partner comes home at 11.30pm.

Am I wrong to be really annoyed?

I think that considering how little sleep I had, plus the fact I am not well myself (which partner is aware of) they should have realised that I would need their help.

Also considering the circumstances of daughter's diagnosis they should not have gone to babysit (brother was also available to babysit and in fact they both went in the end) and instead realised that me and our daughter needed some support and re-assurance.

I basically feel like the friend and her children were put before me and our children and that they should have been here for us.

Partner thinks they did nothing wrong and I am over-reacting.

Opinions please.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 15/03/2011 23:13

Was the babysitting an emergency?

cestlavielife · 15/03/2011 23:14

who is they? why is your partner plural?

slartybartfast · 15/03/2011 23:15

how is your partner the rest of the time?
did your partner know about the babysitting days before and about the doctors appointment.

Original poster
Rockmaiden · 15/03/2011 23:17

Not an emergency no, friend had to go and pick her partner up from work (she normally takes the children with her when she does this but my partner has watched them in this situation in the past)

Friend also has parents and siblings who live nearby that babysit often and like I said my partner's brother was available.

Cest - I always use they, terrible grammer I know. I mean my partner when I say they. I do only have 1 though, honestly lol!

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 15/03/2011 23:20

How far away does the friends partner work that would warrant a six hour round trip?

To be fair, there wasnt a life or death emergency at home either.. a possible diagnosis of asthma in childhood is just precautionary with a chest infection.

slartybartfast · 15/03/2011 23:20

aww well il spose your daughter has a diagnosis and has an inhaler, so she is being treated

Original poster
Rockmaiden · 15/03/2011 23:21

My partner is fine the rest of the time, good with the children but very un-reliable and not good with responsibilty, eg. she will forget to feed the dogs if I am not there to remind her they need feeding.

The babysitting was last minute, I believe her friend phoned her to ask sometime between 9 and 4pm on that day.

The doctor's appointment was also last minute as daughter fell over while dizzy and faint in the morning but I had told my partner that morning before college that I would be making one for today as she was so bad in the night, and it would have obviously been made for after school.

I didn't expect her to be waiting around to see what the doctor said but considering the seriousness of what the doctor did say, and the fact that the babysitting plans were easilly changed, she should have put our daughter first.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rockmaiden · 15/03/2011 23:23

Squeaky - No chest infection present, the doctor said that and she has been having some pretty serious problems breathing recently.

It wasn't life or death no but neither was the babysitting and I think it's a question of priority.

I strongly believe partner has a crush on this friend (they have said they do in the past but claim not to anymore although say how attractive friend is) and that she just dosn't want to say no to her no matter how it affects us.

OP posts:
KatieMiddleton · 15/03/2011 23:23

Yabu to expect your partner to know what you want without telling him/her.

Talk to each other

Original poster
Rockmaiden · 15/03/2011 23:25

Squeaky - Friends partner works a 2 1/2 hour round trip away but the friend she was babysitting for went to a meeting, came back home for tea and then went to pick up her partner all while my partner was babysitting.

I don't object as much to the meeting as that wouldn't have been so long but this friend takes her children to pick her partner up all the time.

She also often goes shopping whilst picking her partner up as he works in a shopping centre which add's extra time to the trip.

My partner went babysitting with her brother, not alone, there was no reason while he couldn't have babysat alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rockmaiden · 15/03/2011 23:26

Katie - I did tell my partner as soon as I was informed she had agreed to babysit that I would like her to stay as our daughter was upset and I was feeling really ill and exhausted from lack of sleep.

It made no difference.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 15/03/2011 23:27

i think you ahvent had enough sleep.

i think your partner maybe thinks oh good they daignosed soemthing now we got some medicaiton so its all fine.
maybe he just
t doesnt get it.

maybe he always puts the friend first.
w who knows.
only you know if this is one off ignoing your needs or part of a pattern.

maybe it wasnt clear to your aprtner you ahd ahd no sleep - tho it would seem obvious from the outside. maybe he thought you had had daytime to sleep while kids at school.

it was a babysitting situaiton he has done before so maybe he jsut didnt appreciate how tired and upset you were and that you needed him there. had you asked him to go to GP with you?
did you say to him during day "i really need you ehre tonite"?

did you ask him to go to gp with you and daughter? didnt he think it was serious? you said at the beignning he was also worried - so why wasnt he at the appointment with you? maybe he wasnt that worried or maybe he preferred denial? peoplecope differently with bad health news...

get some sleep and thnk of the igger picture and if there are things you need to change to communicate better and get him involved more with dd

slartybartfast · 15/03/2011 23:27

well if she was with her brother at least yhou have less to be jealous of.
yhour are jealous of their relationship.
i hope your daguther gets better soon

Original poster
Rockmaiden · 15/03/2011 23:30

Cest - This was Monday, now has sleep and feel better thanks.

Partner has a habit of putting friends first, especially one's they are attracted to.

Partner knew I had no sleep, I told them in the morning and she also knows that I never sleep in the daytime, it's too light for me.

If partner had of come home after college I would have asked her to come the appointment with me but she was over 3 hours late with no contact so I had to go alone, at this point she did not know of an appointment but knew I was making one for around this time.

My partner did know how serious this was and has been equally as worried about our daughter's health.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 15/03/2011 23:31

I agree that if it wasnt an emergency, the brother was there, and you are unwell at home, then your partner should have put you and your child first, come home, and let you get some rest.

It does seem thoughtless and a tad selfish.

cestlavielife · 15/03/2011 23:32

cross posted - but i think the answer lies in your worries about the friend and get it out in open.

and your lack of sleep one cannot think rationally.
maybe she genuinely just didnt get how important it was or how tired you were.

maybe she is someone who doesnt hadnle health scares and getting out of house was her way of dealing.

lots of maybes only you know the bigger picture.

maybe talk about managing the asthma together when you had some sleep

Original poster
Rockmaiden · 15/03/2011 23:32

Slarty - I'm not jealous of their relationship, the friend in question is also my good friend and in fact we have known each other a lot longer than I have been with my partner.

I just don't like the fact that she uses her attraction to the friend as a reason to always do what she wants and never consider the consequences.

For what it's worth it isn't the first time.

OP posts:
Bluebell44 · 15/03/2011 23:32

For me it't not so much about the possible asthma as presumably that was all under control by then. It is more that you had had one hour's sleep and desperately needed to go to bed and leave the childcare to your partner.

Yes I think she was insensitive and unkind to put the babysitting first.

I hope you can sort it out.

squeakytoy · 15/03/2011 23:33

I would also say there seems to be a lot of underlying issues here with trust and perhaps jealousy (which isnt exactly being helped due to your partners behaviour)..

I think those factors are the ones which need dealing with.

cestlavielife · 15/03/2011 23:34

have you bene referred to an asthma nurse for management?
ask partner if she will go with you to the next appointment so you both fully informed of what to do in asthma attack situation and that way you will feel supported. give her a chance....

Original poster
Rockmaiden · 15/03/2011 23:35

Yes Bluebell that was my point when I raised this with her but I felt if she wouldn't stay for me at least do it for our child.

My partner's brother is living here (sleeping on our couch) after he was thrown out of his mum's home where he lives (aged 28) and ever since he has been here she has been acting like a young, free and single teenager with no responsibilities and spending all day every day with him and on the x-box etc.

He may have the single and free life but she dosn't and I resent the fact that she thinks she can act like she does just because her brother is here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rockmaiden · 15/03/2011 23:36

Squeaky - Partner has cheated in the past so yes there in under lying trust issues. In general I trust her and don't feel she would cheat again. I also certainly don't feel she was doing anything other than babysitting for the friend but at the same time I think she needs to realise that her family come first.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 15/03/2011 23:38

Certainly sounds like it is stressful. Especially with a lodger on the couch too! How long have you been together?

Original poster
Rockmaiden · 15/03/2011 23:53

4 years now, brother has been here for 4 days and it's driving me mad.

Of course would never refuse to put him up as this is my partner's home as much as mine but it is hard having no privacy or time together.

I think I am proberly taking things to heart at the moment as going through a really hard time with our son under investigation for ADHD/Autism and when you add in our daughter's asthma, our new house guest, lack of sleep and my illness (chest infection - now coughing so much that I am bringing blood up) I suppose it's just too much.

I feel like I am struggling through so much on my own and that partner dosn't back me up without having to be asked (if I ask her to do something she will generally do it) but it's about initiative and thoughtfullness as well.

Think I will go and show my partner this thread so they can understand the way I was feeling rather than it descending into a full scale argument again, and then make it up hopefully.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 15/03/2011 23:57

Can I just ask, are you the childrens birth mum (apologies if that is the wrong phrase)(assuming you have been together 4 years and your daughter is 8).. so is your partner in more of a role of step-parent to a certain degree, and perhaps doesnt feel she has the same amount of responsibility towards the kids?

Swipe left for the next trending thread