to be upset that my ds friend puts him down

[pingu2209]

My 7 yr old ds has a minor to moderate language disorder. To anyone who meets him, you would never know he had any type of specific learning problem. He gets help in school in the form of small group learning and some one on one, so his peers see that he has a differentiated curriculum.

His so called 'best friend' is in my opinion a nasty little boy who is always pointing out to my ds that he is better than him - at football, at maths, at reading, at writing, even at folding paper aeroplanes. It is a constant drip feed of negativity.

I have asked my ds not to play with him so much but there aren't that many boys in his age group so they all play together, playing football or 'it' in the playground. He can't get away from him.

I have spoken with other mothers about it and their opinions have been pretty much the same as mine. This boy is horrible to their children, not just my ds. Two mums have said that this boy is now banned from their homes.

My ds will face a life time of problems and it is really important for his self esteem that he can see that although he struggles on some things, that he can excell in others. However, this 'friend' of his is making my ds question his ability in everything, even as basic as running (my ds can run like a whippet).

I have spoken to the school and the deputy head and a TA from the class have both said (off the record) that this boy is not liked by the adults and most think he is a spoiled only child. They said that they will speak with the boy concerned but their belief is that he won't change.

I also don't think talking to the parents will help. They believe he is wonderful, which to be frank is probably the problem! Also, I know that they will believe that the problem is not with their son but with me, and that I am somehow jelous because my ds has a learning disability but their's does not. Which is not the issue at all.

The mum said to me about a year ago that she is pleased that her son is friends with mine as it reminds her of her brother who was also friends with a boy 'who was not the full shilling'. I was so offended I stood there mouth open! Especially as my ds is not mentally disabled, he has a specific learning disability that affects only certain things. Does she feel the same way about dyslexic children?! Churchill was dyslexic and it didn't stop him!!!

I think it is more shocking that the deputy head and a TA from the class have both said (off the record) that this boy is not liked by the adults.

he is a child but what excuse have these adults got?

yanbu!!

I was interested until you wrote spoiled 'only' child. I'm tired of people attacking only children. Your post wouldn't have lost any significance if you had just written spoiled child.

The way you've written your OP I feel more sorry for the lad your DS is friends with.

He sounds really isolated and excluded, he must feel it sharply.

I think parents should be cautious intervening in their DCs friendships, unless there is bullying etc going on.

Your DS has obviously seen something in this boy that he connects with, perhaps the isolation he feels?

I think you're being harsh and perhaps could look a bit more behind why your DS is friends with him and why he's like that.

Please don't use the term " spoiled only child" it is really insulting not to mention meaningless and unintelligent.

I am horrified at theTA spoke in such a personal and pejorative way about a young child. I actually feel sorry for the boy as there must be a lot of negativity thrown his way from judgemental adults which may explain his behaviour.

Contrary to the other posters I think that the other child sounds like a nasty little oik who is bullying your son with his belittling comments. You said that 2 other parents have banned the child from their homes - if I were you I'd do the same and instead invite some nicer children over. Their company might encourage your son to spend more time with them and less time with the oik.

NB - I'm an only child and I'm not taking offence at the expression "spoiled only child". Some are.

And I can imagine what " I have spoken with other mothers about the boy" translates as........

Garcia 10 - I agree, I know lots and lots of only children who are really lovely, my niece for one. Sorry to offend.

I don't actually mean it is because he is an 'only child'. I more meant that his parents spoil him rotten. It is not the fact he is an only child, it is the fact his parents can't see his behaviour is really not liked by other people so they don't discipline him when he does it.

AgentZigzag - an interesting perspective. I have asked my ds why he is friends with the boy when he says the things he does but my ds can't answer the question. I believe partly because I don't think my ds actually knows why and partly because of his expressive language disorder - he can't express himself very well.

You say not to intervene unless there is bullying, I believe that the boy is bullying my ds and that it is specific bullying targetted at the fact my ds struggles accademically. IMO this is more dagerous bullying than bullying generically (if that makes any sence at all).

Hi OP, my DD1 had similar 'friend' when she started school. They knew each other before they started school, and ended up in same class. The first year my DD would say to me, 'Mom, why would she say such things to me' and be in tears. The second year my DD started to push back (verbally), resulting in end of the 'friendship'. However, that girl still makes jibes and trouble for my DD.
My advice would be invite over some of the other kids that you believe would make nice friends, and maybe join some activities that they already participate in.

I'm saying this as someone who was bullied at school, so I'm not making excuses for him pingu, if he was my DDs friend I'd probably feel the same.

And you're not responsible for him, his behaviour, or whether he's isolated or not.

But your DS seems to see something in him and perhaps gets something out of the friendship, I doubt he's with him because the boy bullies him to be friends.

If he's more 'outgoing' than your DS, maybe your DS likes that because it takes attention from him?

I'm obviously only guessing, but your negativity about the boy might be colouring the way you see their friendship.

Scarlettwalking - whilst I understand that it may come across as a bunch of mums slating the boy and parents behind their back, which isn't a pretty picture at all, it really isn't. I have spoken to 3 mums, 2 of which know the boy and one who doesn't. I spoke to them in recent days after seeing my ds crying because his 'friend' had laughed at him because he can't do his times tables. It was the last straw and I needed advice from trusted friends.

With regards the TA and deputy head, yes, it is terrible that they spoke with me in such a fashion. However, they did, and now I know, I can't change that and I didn't invite their opinions on the boy in question. I spoke with them because I was concerned that my ds may be targetted by other children in the class and I was worried that the bullying was not an isolated child. Both the TA and deputy head (who is SENCO which is why I spoke with her), said that they were 100% sure other children were not doing the same as the boy. It was then that they said that this boy was renouned for being 'nasty' (as the TA called him). The deputy head said that it was not an issue with the class but with the individual boy and they had had problems with him in the past.

AgentZigZags words are making me think, but to be honest, my loyalties lie with my ds, not this child. All I can see is my ds' self esteem reducing because of the constant put downs. The reasons why this boy puts my son down may well be very sad, he may well be isolated and excluded, especially as he isn't liked. However, my job is to protect my son, not this boy. If there is a connection, it is not a healthy one, certainly not for my ds. Again it is my job to steer my ds into relationships that will enhance him rather than destroy him. When he is older I will have no choice but to step aside to let him make his own decisions and build his own friendships, but he is only 7 and it is very much my job as his mum to help him make friends that treat him as he should be treated.