to think MILs are less critical of their daughters parenting methods

[thefruitwhisperer]

MIL looked at me in horror when our 4mo had some wind left over from his bottle, that me or DP hadnt been able to get up. In my mind thats a minor issue compared to her daughters 1yo going through the bin (which everyone was laughing at )

Am I always going to be the one in the wrong with MIL?

Sadly, I think there's often some truth in that.

Well, of course they are. Where do daughters (generally) learn their parenting skills? Their mums.

I think there's something in it. You share genes with your mother and are the product of her parenting. You've probably a lot in common (consciously or subliminally), and so there will be more similarities - therefore less to criticise. (Plus a whole lifetime's experience of dealing with each other).

In-laws, no matter how lovely (or otherwise) are just coming from a different place, so there will be less of a match up, and greater potential for misunderstanding if contradictory views are ever expressed.

I doubt your MIL let her children go through the bin. Was probably more interested in criticising you than stopping her other grandchild and making her daughter look bad.

Chin up, Fruit

their daughters are probably more likely to tell them to butt out very early on too!

Whereas DILs (according to many of the posts I've read on MN) are much more likely to try to be 'polite' and post on MN about issues

My MIL is actually more critical of her daughter's parenting.

Probably depends a bit on the daughter and you.

In my situation, probably. MIL has never critisised my parenting to my face. She's gone off on a slight tangent when sometimes assuming I'll do something that I dont plan to, based on signs - example, I didn't let my 9 month old have a chocolate biscuit at her house once, as I wanted her to have her banana instead which she was eating and enjoying. MIL said "you can't deny them treats forever Tatty" and I just said, "and I dont plan to, but right now we'll pass thanks". Daughter is older now and has had chocolate a few times, no biggie.

If anything MIL is critical by stealth of SIL in that she used to butt in and override her and undermine her, which implies she didn't agree with what she was doing. She's never done that to me, but woe betide her if she does, and she knows that, so its hard to know if that means she thinks I'm crap. Never really thought about it though, dont really care!

Well, I used to think this.

Our DD was first grandchild, MIL made her feelings on dummies (definite no) and other issues abundantly clear.

Fast-forward a few months, SIL (her daughter) had a baby and suddenly dummies were fine.

However, a few years on and MIL is very involved in childcare for my SIL and is quite critical of her behind her back (to me). Never to her face.

Goodness only knows what she says about me behind my back!

My own Mum is less forthcoming with advice/criticism, but made me feel just awful recently when I was struggling to get DD to bed (toddler DD screaming the house down). My Mum didn't need to voice her criticism - I knew from the face she was pulling what she was thinking.

It may also be a case of the way we react.

My step-mum has made some fairly outrageous comments about my parenting, much ruder than MIL. It doesn't bother me though - in fact I think it is quite fun to chuckle over it afterwards. I guess this is because I did all my 'reacting' to her digs/comments when I was younger and I/we see it as 'the way she is' now. I have no interest in bringing up my children the way she did and, in fact, if she disaproves I consider that to be a sign I amd doing things right.

MIL can make me inwardly furious/upset with the slightest minor thing on the other hand...

MIL does do more for the children of her daughter though but that is because her daughter asks/demands more and ignore MILs subtle cues that she doesn't really want to do it..

Not in my family! DIL's are off limits. I'm fair game!

MIL has never openly criticised my parenting, but then I have never criticised her grand-parenting.

She once told me that her daughter would 'have a go' if she did something or gave something to the DCs that she didn't agree with. I told MIL that she must do what she thought was right with mine, even if it wasn't my way, and that way the children would learn that different people had different 'rules'.

For instance, I don't make a habit of giving DCs sweets and fizzy drinks half an hour before Sunday lunch, but I'm not going to have a row with her just because she wants to indulge her grandchildren once every couple of months.

I have no idea!

Will be interesting to wait and see. My MIL is lovely though, cannot stress this enough, and she has always seemed tolerant of her DD's choices, so whenever/if she has DC I can't see her honestly being any different.

Many DILs are also super critical of their MILs and let their own families get away with things they'd fry their MILs for doing. My own SIL complains about everything my parents do (to my face and to my cousins as well) but lets her crazy mother say and do horrid and rude things to everyone. There is a double-standard all over...we just don't choose to see it sometimes when it doesn't suit us.

My mum has one daughter (me), a step daughter and 2 daughter in laws. She and I have very similar views on parenting and childcare (although I don't actually have kids yet) so sometimes she will discuss with me something the stepdaughter or DIL has done with regards their kids, and generally I will agree with her. She tends to worry more about the outcome for the child or whole family, rather than be particularly critical just for the sake of it, as she does love all the women involved. She has a policy that she won't give advice about anything child related unless they bring up the conversation, and she doesn't say she disagrees with things they do to them, so hopefully they all feel she thinks they're doing a good job. She has actually told me though that if/when I have children she will be able to say things to be about how I'm parenting them which she never would to anyone else! So I'm really looking forward to that! Lol, but like I said, our views are very similar so hopefully she'll feel I'm not doing too much wrong!

I darent interfere with any of them!!I have 1 dd,1sd,1dd-i-l and 2 dsd-i-l and I just hold my tongue usually-the only one I sometimes say something a bit critical to is dd because I know that we would never fall out but I do 'choose my battles'.Today I said I wouldn't give 'reduced sugar' squash to a 2yr old as it contains aspartame but she said,'and full strength apple juice will rot his teeth'.That's as bad as it gets-I diluted the apple juice and she said she'd ask hv about the squash.I think all my lot are pretty good parents actually.

Not true here. My mother is very critical of my parenting (she knows I am conditioned to come back for more however badly she treats me). She is much nicer to her DiL as she doesn't want her to decide she can't see her GC (at least to her face, she moans about her plenty behind her back).

My MIL does not have DIL - but DH best mate wife had an arse the sun shone out of till some unmentioned fault now she is hardly talked of at all. Which is great as some of the woman's ideas were .

My mother,like most of the rest of my life, I am always in the wrong. When sister had a child - everything she did was right and what I should have done - even to the point of splitting up from DC dad except when they fall out and then suddenly she wants to tell me everything she does wrong.

Best thing you can do is learn not to care and to have a sweet oh really smile unfortunately took me years to work that out.

I think that daughters are more relaxed and just let it flow over them but DIL are more sensitive. Many a time people post and say they will take it from their mother but not their MIL-why? They seem to be conditioned into the fact their own mother can say what she likes. Either that or they feel free to say 'rubbish' without causing offence-something they can't do with MIL.
I don't think that it anything to do with being more sensible if you are a mother of a girl! Just the relationship isn't as relaxed or ingrained.

In my case MIL was much better-she was more reserved and treated me like an adult -whereas my mother sometimes forgets that I am not a child!

I just dont seem to listen to my Mum really, I just laugh because I know she can take it.

MIL is a bit more serious and thinks she knows everything, and she is definately different with SIL. The bin VS a burp is just one example. Nephew got into the cupboard under the sink and got oil all over himself (lucky it was just that), SIL had no spare clothes so he was naked all afternoon from waist down.

My DS went himself 3 times in 2 hours due to crappy Huggies and I eventually had to put him in something brand new and not washed as it was all I had left in the bag after 3 outfit changes... I was met with disapproving looks all afternoon!