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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To point out mil's offensive habit?

22 replies

Moulesfrites · 15/03/2011 09:12

My mil is a well meaning but quite naive woman, seems to live in her own little world and hasn't worked since dh was born 28 years ago. She seems quite easily shocked by fairly normal things that occur in the normal world (eg an iPad, kurt gejiger shoe boots, stay at home dads etc) and had a habit of tutting and shaking her head when she encounters them, I don't think she does it in a judgemental way, just that she is genuinely taken aback. The thing is, she does it sometimes and it can come across as v judgemental and offensive.

For example, my mum runs her own successful retail business, and when my mil asked her if she worked on a Saturday, my mum replied yes and she did the tutting and shaking her head! My mum was quite angry about this.

She also did it, when she met my friend and her 18 month old ds and she asked my friend if he was an only child, then tutted and shook her head when she said yes!

Do you think I should point out this habit and how offensive it can be - I really don't think she realises she is doing it...

OP posts:

TrillianAstra · 15/03/2011 09:14

"Please stop tutting and shaking your head you are not qualified to judge other people's lives."

Like that you mean?

YellowDinosaur · 15/03/2011 09:14

Do try. She'll probably jsut tutt and shake her head at you

TheSkiingGardener · 15/03/2011 09:16

I think if you can separate the reaction from the thought then it might be quite nice of you to point it out, if you have a relationship with her that can take it.

How she thinks is up to her, but she may not realise how people perceive and react to the tut and shake.

fedupofnamechanging · 15/03/2011 09:16

Can DH say something? Might be better if he asks why she was tutting at your mum and friend.

Just to say though, that the fact she hasn't worked for 28 years has no bearing on whether she is well informed regarding world affairs or on the fact that she is judgemental. Plenty of people are opinionated and rude, regardless of their employment status.

TrillianAstra · 15/03/2011 09:23

"Plenty of people are opinionated and rude, regardless of their employment status." Very true

Original poster

Moulesfrites · 15/03/2011 09:37

Yes, sorry karma, of course that is true. I think it was relevant to the incident with my mum though, as I think my mum inferred that mil pitied her for having to work, when in fact, my mum loves her job and is very good at it....

OP posts:

5DollarShake · 15/03/2011 09:41

What sort of relationship do you have with her? Could you say something to her? I know I wouldn't be able to say something like this to my MIL - although she is the last person to do such a thing!

You could be right in that she might not actually be judging them; rather that she is genuinely shocked and wrapping her head around the idea - but that is not the point. The point is that it is a rude way to react, she is upsetting people and by default she is making people not like her or want to be around her.

So basically she needs telling for her own sake as much as anything else. Just wondering who it is best to hear it from, though!

Awhiteelephantintheroom · 15/03/2011 09:44

Every time she tuts and shakes her head, say "why are you tutting and shaking your head? Is there a problem?". Maybe she doesn't realise she's doing it so pulling her up on it will make her aware and perhaps she'll stop doing it (a bit)

Original poster

Moulesfrites · 15/03/2011 09:48

Thanks for suggestions! I have they about it and remembered that she also does it when she looks at my ds, as if in awe or wonder at her won grandson, which is quite lovely, but as you say 5ds, it is rude when she does it around others...

OP posts:

HappyAsIAm · 15/03/2011 09:49

I agree with Awhiteelephant

Just do it was a very big smile and a very open and endearing expression

carryon · 15/03/2011 09:53

YANBU and it may be a habit she is unaware of. I don't think you could bring it up randomly as she may deny ti and then where will that leave you. Just ask her why she is doing it the next time she does it. If she does it in a 'nice'context as well then it must be a habit of some sort.Odd.

Mamaz0n · 15/03/2011 10:00

i think you should introduce her to a more slightly bolshy friend like me

because if someone tutted at me i would ask her what the problem was and point out how bloody rude she was.

i think that the problem with you saying it is that she could brush it off as you being over sensetive, that people don't react lke that.
for someone to tell her themselves that she is being offensive would show her precisely how horrid it is.

FruStefanLindman · 15/03/2011 10:42

As it seems to be a deeply ingrained habit, she might have problems stopping. If you mention it to her she could either totally deny she does it, or admit she's aware she's doing it and say she'll try to stop. But that might be easier said than done; you could work out a secret signal between the two of you so when you catch her doing it, to someone else, you can warn her discreetly so she can stop. But that won't stop her doing it to other people when you're not around.

And, no, YANBU - it sounds highly irritating

Pagwatch · 15/03/2011 10:47

If it were me and assuming I liked her I would be friendly and ask her if she knows she does it.

My lovely son once very kindly pointed out to me that in repose my face looked angry. I was tired and stressed and had no notion.
I now make an effort to smile more so that people realise that I like them and am not permanently pissed off.

She may have no notion she does it. Ask her ' mil, do you know that you tut at people quite a lot. I know you wouldn't upset people for the world but .....

CrapBag · 15/03/2011 10:48

YANBU. It sounds rude to me, just because she has done things differently, why should she think the rest of the world should do things exactly the same?

I would ask her "whats wrong" every time she does it. Pull her up on it and make her explain, maybe then she will get the message.

Pagwatch · 15/03/2011 10:49

My mother often asks me how much things cost and, if I tell her, she does this tooth sucking snaky noise. I told her and she was mortified.
Now if she does it I reply in parsel tongue.

ruddynorah · 15/03/2011 10:50

My ILs kind of do this. They say 'Oof!' and shake their heads with a cat bum face at anything they find odd or different or shocking. I they say 'what?' Dh says I'm rude though.

Trillian · 15/03/2011 10:59

You could tr tutting and shaking your head to everything she says,

BettyCash · 15/03/2011 10:59

YANBU but no matter how embarrassed you feel, she is probably worse off bc of how many people she offends

RunAwayWife · 15/03/2011 11:01

Ask her if she has Tourettes or is trying out for a church hill ad to replace the "oh yes" nodding dog

BellBookandCandle · 15/03/2011 11:33

My aunts/uncles do something similar to this (they are welsh). They shake their heads and say "Duw Duw" - it's a sign of being a bit shocked or taken aback/not quite understanding all this modern day malarkey.

Is she Welsh?

Joolyjoolyjoo · 15/03/2011 11:37

My DH cured me of tutting at him. Every time I tut he says in a hideous Australian accent "What's that, Skippy? Little Jacko's in the well?" or some such nonsense. Makes me laugh and has made me more concious of my tutting! Try that!

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