to not want to go away for DS's first birthday?

[MatchsticksForMyEyes]

DH's work colleague has invited us to go away for the Spring Bank holiday weekend. DH is planning to camp with DSD 1 &2 and DD. He wants to book DS and I into a local guest house.
I don't want to spend his 1st birthday weekend away. I want to spend it with extended family and mark the occasion properly. DH says we can do that any time in the half term holiday as DS won't know any different. Fair point, but I do. I also don't want to be holed up in a guest house alone for 2 nights. I have told him I won't go, but am being made to feel like I am BU. Am I?

Think he is BU - because it sounds like he has come to you with a fait acompli for that weekend, rather than saying 'what shall we do that weekend, colleague has invited (some of?) us to go camping, what do you think...

Just because he was invited doesn't mean he is obliged to say yes - he should have at least said I'll check with matchsticks and see what plans we currently have for the weekend.

It's not unreasonable to want to do something for your DS's first birthday and he should have realised that. Had you already started making plans for any sort of party/gathering and did your dh know that this is how you hoped to spend your ds's birthday? Do you think he feels obliged to do the camping thing with his dsds because he doesn't always get full access and this is clouding his judgement (doesn't want them to think that their new little brother is more important that they are)?

how old are your dsds and dd? Do they desperately want to go camping or can you pull the 'but they'll miss ds's birthday' line on their behalf?

And if this was any other weekend - would you have wanted to go along to a local guest house while they camped or would you have stayed at home - think that is a separate issue from the birthday one.

Can you ring work colleague directly and say that not possible to go that weekend so how about changing to another weekend?

Sorry, lots of questions and not many answers but definitely think you need to make your Dh realise that he is the one that is BU - or at least that you are both being as U as each other for making plans for that weekend without discussing them with each other much earlier...

next year, remember to start talking about your ds's party/whatever you want to do for him for his birthday - just after christmas so you get in there first and plans can't be changed later

DS1 has his birthday in the spring bank holiday weekend and although he's only 5 at the moment, I already foresee that it's only going to get trickier as parties will tend to be shifted as people are away for the weekend or people want to do things because it is the bank holiday and he will be expected to shift his birthday celebrations. you have my sympathies!

His colleague had already booked. DH discussed it with me, I told him I didn't want to go and he booked it anyway. I think he thinks I will come round. I won't!

DSDs are 11 and DD is 3.3. DH doesn't seem to be bothered about missing it as he says DS doesn't know.

I have always had a little tea party for DD's birthday, so he could have safely assumed I'd want to do the same for DS.

Also would not have been keen on staying alone in a guest house at any time.

Really now!

YABU, he wants to have a nice family weekend and spend time with all his children. You can have a birthday cake at the campsite, or go out somewhere just the family, and still do the thing you want with the rest of the extended family on another day.

He won't be able to do the same thing with his dd's on a differnt weekend, but you can. Why would you want him to cancel what sounds like a lovely weekend for his dd's?

It just won't be the same spending it with his colleague and his family. What annoys me most is that he knew I didn't want to go and still booked it anyway. He won't cancel, it's whether or not I cave and say we will come

I think it is very rude of him to ask you, then utterly disregard what you said because it didn't coincide with what he wanted.

I would put my foot down and refuse to go. I would also keep my DD home, so that she can celebrate with her brother.

Yes, it would be nice for the DSD to go away with their dad and I do agree that your DS won't really know which day you celebrate his birthday. But, I wouldn't want to be on my own in a guest house either, so I can see why you said no.

The main thing here is that he ignored you (as if your opinion doesn't matter) and booked it anyway.

I would refuse to go and would keep DD home too. If he goes anyway, then he is being an arse

But it wouldnt be fair on dd would it if the dh goes with only the 2girls

If it's already booked and the kids are excited about going only to be told they can't go now would be bit mean its not thier fault thier dads cocked up.Trust me it's really upsetting for kids I was upset for weeks when simular happened to me as a child.Your dh though should of asked you before going.So for that yanbu

Why shouldn't he go when Op hasn't exactly given a really good reason for him not to? You ignored his wishes as much as he is ignoring yours!

Couldn't you compromise and get him to come home early on the BH Monday and have an afternoon tea at home that you can invite the extended family to? And agree to go for one night, as he obviously wants you there, on the understanding that you would like to go out for a meal with just the family, ie the four dc's and the two of you? I'm sure the other family would understand that and your dh would still get plenty of time with them.

YANBU to want to spend ds's first bithday doing something special, but YABVU to think that your need to do that something special on a certain day shoudl take priority over your dd, dsd's and dh's wish to spend time with friends. Especially bearing in mind that your ds is too young to know the difference. When he is older and does know what day it is, he should get priority, but until then, there are the wishes of three other children to consider.

He shouldn't go ahead if you didn't agree. Whats the point of asking if he is going to do what he likes

I had all 1st bdays at home, family only including extended family.

It is probably too late to cancel now but in the future he must take your wishes into account.

curlymama - OP gave her DH a perfectly good reason not to - she doesnt want to go!
He asked her if she would like a weekend away with some of his colleagues with him camping and her alone in a guest house. OP said 'no, I'd really not enjoy that at all thanks' and the DH booked it anyway.
Do you really think people should have to do things they really dont want to do just because the reason they give is not 'a really good reason' to not want to do it?

OP - I would not back down. Ignoring the DS 1st birthday issue, which is a bit of a red herring I think, keep saying to him that you have already said no you dont want to stay in a guest house alone and that you told him before booking. You havent changed your mind, so if he insists on going against your wishes then he will have to go without you (and miss DS's first birthday)
I'd arrange a lovely family tea party/get together for DS's birthday so that you are not feeling down on the day all alone at home and you and DS enjoy yourselves!

I accept that the kids will be disappointed if they don't go, and this makes it easy for DH to say he must go because he's promised the children, but that means he gets to do what he wanted all along. He will have the kids as a convenient excuse.

Has he actually told them about the trip yet? If they don't know, then it's not too late to cancel.

If he has, then he ought to cut the trip short, so he spends most of the holiday weekend with you. I definitely wouldn't go away if I was you or your DH will think he can always manipulate you into doing what he wants.

I think it's pretty awful of him to want to dump you in a guest house on a holiday weekend.

That's her reason for not going, and you're right, if she really doesn't want to go she shouldn't feel she has to.

But she certainly shouldn't be trying to stop him from going. It's not like it's a drunken boys weekend he wants to do, he's taking his daughters camping! I think that's lovely, and OP should be encouraging that, not discouraging it because she doesn't want to go, or because she is set on the idea that a 1yo's birthday celebration has to take place on a specific day. That just seems very selfish to me.

From the OP's posts it's not completely clear if she has a problem with him going, or if she just has a problem with the fact that he wants her to go too. I read it as the former, which is why I said she is being U and selfish.

I haven't told him he can't go. In fact, I told him to enjoy himself. To which he replied, " Oh but I thought you were coming!"

I don't know if he has said anything to my DSDs, but my DD certainly doesn't know about it and I am at the moment saying we are staying at home. Will give DD the choice of going camping with them or staying with me, but I don't think she'd want to go without me or settle particularly well in a tent.

Hmm, what is it specifically thats the problem?
That he's decided how ds's bday should be spent? That he completely ignored your wishes? That you were expected to go away for a weekend doing something you didn't want to do?

Fwiw, I don't think you're being U re your ds's bday. My ds is nearly 6 and his bdays have been the day I now look forward to most in the year. A day that's all about him, and a day where friends and family come to visit. I'd be annoyed if this couldn't happen because we'd to spend it with dh's colleague!

I'm annoyed that although I've made it clear I don't want to go that he still thinks I will just come round to my way of thinking.

That I'll want to spend my evenings doing nothing in the guest house once DS is asleep. I don't want to keep him up as he would just scream. He needs to be in a quiet, dark room to settle down.

I don't particularly want to be away with people I don't know that well.

vmcd28 you have made the point I have made to DH that I have been looking forward to DS's birthday and this isn't how I want to spend it. We'd be spending most of the morning packing up and travelling in the car.

DH does seem to spend a lot of time planning things and then getting annoyed when I don't agree with them. Often they are not as ordinary as this plan, but that's another thread...

His way of thinking, dammit!

Sounds like the problem is a bit bigger than just this weekend then.

You have to get him to agree not to commit to plans without discussing it first with you.

Usually if one person wants to go away, they ask the other one. If the other person says no, then they make alternate plans that are mutually agreeable. The person who wants to go away, shouldn't think "Sod you, I'm going to book it anyway and you'll come around." That is really selfish and inconsiderate.

This would drive me up the wall tbh. If he refuses to change, then in your position I would make my own arrangements and he would just have to suck it up. I don't think this would be particularly good for the relationship though, so better if you can both agree to consult each other and for respect your opinion and not think he can override it.

We always have a party for ds1 on the nearest Saturday, ie a day that's convenient, but we also do something special on the day, inc opening all the presents and going out for dinner or something similar. I'd be furious if dh made the decision that packing a case and travelling was the alternative. Everyone does things differently, and if the op always does something nice for dd on her bday, then it shouldn't be any surprise to her dh that she'd want to do the same for ds.
In contrast, it's ds's 6th bday next week and hes having a party on Saturday, but dh has also taken a half day on the actual day so we can blow up balloons, wrap presents etc ready for ds coming home from school.

Op, and the fact that ds is "only" going to be one, he's more than capable of understanding that people are making a fuss of him and giving him presents, so I don't buy the argument that ds won't know any better.

By way of compromise, can dh go away late that evening or the following morning? That way they still get a couple of nights away and none of them miss the bday celebrations

Why don't you and Ds camp too?

It's only a 3 man tent they have and I wouldn't camp with a baby.

I think I will end up having a party at home as I did for DD with grandparents and a few of my friends who have babies there.

DH won't change plans now. He has booked for the Saturday and Sunday night and will be back at some point on the bank holiday Monday. He has all the following week off too as we have DSDs for the full half term holiday. So they could have camped at any point in that week.

I think your DH is really mean actually - a first birthday is hugely significant to a mother because it's a celebration of your giving birth as well as the arrival of your child. So your wishes trump DH wishes IMO.

I definitely would not go away with DH's colleagues and I would want both DH and DD with me to celebrate DS's birthday if I were you. You can't decide for your DH - or your DSDs - but you should be able to decide for your own DCs.

eileenslightlytotheleft that was another of my points. I want to remember the day I gave birth as much as it being his first birthday. We obviously don't understand each other very well.

I'd think about what you want to do then, and do it as much as you are able. You will probably have to make the main party on a different day. It would be a bit odd to have your family and not your DH there, and the oddity would probably make you feel sad rather than joyful.

But there are lots of things that you could do to make the day special. I'd keep DD too, if I were you, so that you can enjoy it with both DCs. Would that be possible? On my DD's first birthday, I had a few mum-and-baby friends round for cake, which was lovely.

You only get one first birthday so I would stick to your guns without being spiteful (always tricky!)

Yeah could maybe just have friends over on the day, although since it's a weekend my parents would be able to make it. Oh god knows what to do now...

Bloody DH- at least it's not as mental as the current, "let's move to a private island off France and rent out gites" plan.