To wish I didn't disagree with MIL on every issue related to raising children?

[pommedeterre]

As the title says. I really do disagree with EVERYTHING so far (dd nearly one). Newest thing is immunisation. I will have dd immunised in a couple of weeks to complete boosters and with MMR. DH agrees but has said to not to tell MIL as she is very opinionated about not immunising children (not on MMR -autism link goes back to before that, she did 'boosters' but not measles etc for her babies in the late seventies and as a consequence DH and DBIL had all the diseases as children). Another issue we can't 'bond' over! In fact, something we shouldn't even talk about according to DH.
I have had unrelated issues with the PILS since dd was born although we are all working on these now.
I just wish that we agreed on SOMETHING as I feel it would be easier to talk to her about things and feel like I want to ask her advice.
I have searched my conscience on this and I am definitely not sub consciously taking the opposing stance. I do however get a lot more judgey with her than others on things but really do disagree with her on everything. Grrr.
Do MIL/DIL relationships get easier as children grow/?? Please tell me they do!!!

I think there are times where we have to agree to disagree with our families and inlaws.

For example I chose to breastfeed my son until two and half and my dd self weaned at 22 months. My MIL (who is lovely in many ways) can't understand why anyone would choose to breastfeed until two years old. My dd still shares my bedroom at 23 months.

I suppose that your MIL and you want the best for your children, its just that you disagree on how to achieve the best outcome.

You prbably will agree on things as dd gets older. Eg sweets/diet, bedtimes, tv/pc use, you working, holidays, kids freedom. There are so many childcare issues you cant not agree on anything.

We already haven't agreed on a few of these darleneconnor. Me working (initially - she has now come round), holidays and in a way freedom. Fingers crossed we will on the others!
Agree Reallytired - we all want the best for dd but obviously ultimately I decide and it would be nice if we could chat a bit more about mothering type things I think.

she's your child, raise her the way you and your dp want to, it will be trial and error what works and doesn't and take what your MIL suggests/advises if and when appropriate, don't make a big deal out of every little thing she says otherwise it will become a horrible situation.

however your MIL does have more experience and being older some of the things she says might be redundant or useful.. so keep an open mind!

I don't like this idea of not telling your MIL that you are getting your child immunised. I can't quite put my finger on it, but it's like you are children keeping secrets from mummy. You have every right to make whatever decisions you feel are best for your child, as your MIL did with her children, but I think it will be hurtful to her if she finds out that you deliberately lied to avoid a discussion.

Sometimes you just have to agree to disagree. And you both have to remember that you are the mother of this child, not MIL.

It can be a difficult relationship and I think the early days are when both women establish what the boundaries are. Hope things get better for you. The main thing is that she loves your child.

I don't like the idea of keeping the immunisation from your MIL either. It doesn't matter whether she agrees with it or not- she doesn't get a say, DD is your child and not hers. By not telling her, you are, in a sense, making her opinion matter more than it does, IYSWIM...

I think you're right too - that's dh's wishes and it's his mum. Both my meaningful romantic relationships (ex and dh) have been with blokes who only have brothers and in both families keeping 'nasty' stuff away from mummy seems to have been the norm. I've always attributed it to the only boys thing but obviously likely to be totally wrong there.
I have a feeling MIL will ask me when I see her next weekend anyway and I won't be able to lie so she'll find out anyway. A lot of the 'issues' we are working through came from her attitude in the first few months of dd's life when there were some instances of her struggling with being a granny not a mum iyswim.
Just wish that once we could agree on something - it feels like we're polar opposites on most things.

I kind of hope she does ask- she sounds quite domineering, I think it would do her good to be told categorically that whilst it's a shame you disagree on this issue as well, ultimately it's your decision and you don't need her approval. It's great that you have DH totally on-side, too. I only clash with MIL over one issue and even though my DH thinks I'm a bit extreme over it, he backs me to the absolute hilt.

But surely there's something you agree on? Do you really have diametrically opposing views on everything from BF/FF to bedtimes to purées/BLW to smacking?

Is it that she expects to be in on the decision making? I suppose it is hard to go from being the one in charge, to one who loves the child loads, but has no real say. Still, she has been the mother, so it's good that you set boundaries now, before your child is old enough to see the difference of opinion. It's important that she doesn't undermine you later on.

Wrt the immunisation thing, maybe say to DH that you won't raise the topic, but if she asks you won't lie about it.

She's normally a very shy and submissive lady but she studied baby care at school (late sixties) and loved bringing up her two which makes her very opinionated on the subject.

We do so far disagree on most things and I'm haven't even been very 'modern' in my approach. Only managed to bf for 6 weeks (wanted to for longer though), moved dd into own room at 10 weeks and weaned early at 4 months. That I didn't give her rusks at 6 weeks and that I didn't have a feeding 'schedule' when ff was still a source of horror for her. The fact I didn't warm her bottle when I was using room temp cartons was a 'shame for dd'. That I take her out for walks when she's ill/recovering (just bugs and not very long ones!) is just wrong and the fact I think I can manage without a playpen is laughable and I'll be eating my words soon apparently. Finger food teas are messy and our normal tea time pattern described as 'everything going wrong'. Babies also need their mummies not caregivers at nursery for 2 days a week. Now immunisation.

That sounds a bit nastier than she means it written down and I know some of it is because I can't speak to her like I can my mum when my mum tries to push an opinion on me.

It's not that I have huge opinions on some of these things either, I'm just doing what comes naturally! Somehow her disagreeing AGAIN makes me have opinions and I find myself start to 'borrow' arguments, for example, against playpens that actually I don't give a flying f**k about.

Maybe we can agree that dd should go to school!

Surely this is only an issue if you allow her any sort of say in your DD's upbringing? OK, so she disapproves of immunisations. And? Not her child, therefore irrelevant.
Why do you feel the need/want to agree with her?

Because I find spending time with the PILs very difficult which upsets my dh and the only thing we have in common is babies I think.
With the immunisations the fact that she wants to have a say and that dh obviously realises that and wants to avoid it by hiding it from her is also annoying me.