to be thinking about possibly ending a friendship? (sorry, long)

[hidenseek]

I could post in Relationships I guess, but I want/need to know if IABU as well, so here goes;

I have been friends with this person for the better part of a decade. I do think a lot of her and in many ways, we do have a good friendship, but she is so high maintenance that it is draining. Every little thing that happens to her is a crisis. If someone dares to say anything even remotely less than positive about what she says or does, they are immediately thought to be picking on her.

She is so down on everything. If a situation comes up in which it's possible someone else is at fault, it will take about five seconds for my friend to come up with a way to consider this person to be the equivalent of the devil. She condemns people for the most minor of crimes and holds grudges that you wouldn't believe. If anyone tries to coax her into thinking a bit more positively, she immediately thinks they are also getting at her.

I just don't know how much more I can take. It is a day in, day out perpetual cycle of having to handle her. She doesn't really have many friends and I don't want to have to withdraw from her, but I'm not sure I can cope with her anymore. I realise how harsh that sounds, but significant portions of my day can be spent replying to text messages from her, talking to her on the phone and handling her when she shows up on my doorstep. The thing is, if I was to back off from her (either by withdrawing slowly, or actually telling her), I think I would be making her life significantly harder, because she relies on me a lot for support.

As I said before, there are many ways in which she is a good friend and a good person. She would go to extraordinary lengths to help people, she is sweet and clever and I don't believe she would set out to hurt anyone. She has a beautiful little boy who I am Godmother to (another reason why I'm struggling with this) and I really do love the pair of them. But I just don't know if I can keep being her friend when she is such hard work. I have two children, and I feel like she is taking time away from them sometimes.

Give me a kick up the arse if you think I am being horrible to think about ending this friendship. Tell me to suck it up and support her, or give me ways in which I can help her more effectively. I'll take anything. I don't want to walk away from her, but I don't know what else to do.

She's an emotional vampire by the sounds of it. I had a similar friend and we took a 'break'. We are friends again now and I am thankful for that, but I live on other side of the world so contact is limited & it's not the kind of demanding relationship it once was.

I think if you stepped back/away your friend would find someone to 'fill the void' - that is how she get's her needs met. You have my sympathy as I know just how draining this can be. You need to reclaim yourself. Perhaps you just need to be honest/blunt with her. Tell her it's too much, you have other stuff going on and you're stressed out etc. Or just start doing things more on your terms to suit you, rather than being at her beck andcall. Afterall you're her friend not her dog.

Best of luck

Yes this is difficult (YANBU btw) but it doesn't have to be either/or. There are a lot of things you can do in between.

the first is to be honest with her as you have been on here. I was faced with a similar situation and decided to confront her - predictably, she went off the deep end. I said that only someone who cared about her would risk saying something, everybody else beat a hasty retreat. Start with something small - in my case it was that she sent texts detailing the latest crisis without asking me how I was. I knew that everyone dreaded her calamity texts and just didn't answer them. You can point out to her that evidence shows that you care about her as you have been very supportive for a long time but that now that has to change as you won't support her to that level any more - it isn't good for you OR for her. It took a while but my friend came round and is now more respectful, recognising I have a life too. If she doesn't come round then that is her choice and the decision is made for you. But it would be upsetting all round, particularly as you love her and her LO. These days I leave a long gap between receiving and answering calamity texts and my answer is short and to the point - along the lines of I'm sorry you're going through this, hope it gets better soon. I don't get embroiled.

Thank you for your posts. :)

I have tried waiting for a while between texts, but it never seems to make a difference. The same volume of texts arrive, sometimes I'm not even sure she notices she isn't getting replies.

I really feel strongly that walking away entirely would be a last resort. Losing her from my life would be hard, and I know it would be bad for her and her DS as well, so this is a difficult thing to even think about.

I just don't know how I'm going to be able to make things better for both of us (and her DS). I am going to try talking to her one on one I think (thank you for the suggestion) and see if I can impart that I would only be doing so if I really cared, which I do.

I'm the opposite of needy needy or negative (I prefer my own company and am fairly optimistic), but I do think a little bit like your friend.

After years of being bullied at school I came to the conclusion that they must be right and I was shit, and that the majority of other people were also shit.

If there was any ambiguity in something someone said, I would ferret out a possible negative as proof of my theory.

These days I couldn't give a flying fuck if there's a hidden meaning, one benefit of getting older

I don't think you need a kick up the arse, you're not responsonble for the woman or obligated to give her any more time than you can spare for her.

Do you think she has an inkling of how you feel?

What are her relationships like with the other peopke she knows?

I hope nobody was put off by your title cos the OP wasn't that long

I know where you're coming from Agent, and I think a little of that could be at play here. She probably has been trained by past experience to always expect the worst, it's just annoying because if she was to look at her life rationally, there is actually very little for her to reasonably be negative about.

I don't know if she knows how I feel, she probably has no idea at all that I'm thinking as seriously as I am about backing off from her, but she may know I am getting irritated by it all.

As for other relationships, she pushes friends away quite easily. She has a partner but I don't think their relationship is in a great state.

I push people away a lot more than the norm as well, I just can't handle anyone saying anything that I could take to be critical of me.

I have to protect myself because my confidence and self esteem, although I do have them, are very fragile.

I know I come across as cold to some people, but as I'm able to easily detach myself now I'm not fussed what they think.

My sister is like your friend OP. She would talk endlessly if she could, constantly complaining, and gets irritated if I say anything. I tried not saying something once and she was relieved. I'm not her therapist. What my sister does is dumping - doesn't care who it is as long as they stay still and silent for a loooong time. My sister also has a lot to be thankful for but is very dismissive of all her blessings. Something has obviously gone wrong somewhere in her life (I have a good idea what), as Agent has pointed out, but that is for her to take the responsibility and get it addressed, probably in therapy, if she wants functioning relationships and people who don't run a mile when they see her coming. That's what I had to do with my mountain of shit, I couldn't be dumping it on other people.

I relate to a lot of the things you said in your posts Agent and appreciate your honesty.

That all sounds so hard. :(

WRT my friend, I should say I don't think she actively pushes people away, more so does it with her behaviour, in that others can only take so much of her. As I said, she's very caring and would go to great lengths to help someone in need, but she's just intolerable to a lot of people because they can't handle how needy she is. If it was needy in a way that meant I could practically help her, it would be different.

I feel awful about this, but it's getting to be so tough.

Well, one of the problems is that your friend wants that intensity of friendship that is almost like a relationship, so is happy to respond to any crisis and come and help out, but also expects you to endure her roller-coaster life and crises at the same time. Even worse, if she is anything like the friend I had like this, she will actually cling on tighter. When I was trying to get a bit of distance in there, I actually felt like I was breaking up a relationship (it was my then soon-to-be husband that pointed out that 7am texts and so on weren't actually normal friend behaviour).

My solution was to tell her in the end that I just couldn't carry on with the ups and downs (she thought this was because I had 'issues' with her 'issues' which I didn't, she was just emotionally draining, but I let her think that it was my problem really). We talked, it was very upsetting, we build another friendship which was more distant but nice, but it has petered out over time as our lives have gone in different directions.

One interesting thing is that although at the time, I thought she had very little support and so stayed around as one of her only friends/supporters, actually, after I made a break for freedom, she found lots of other friends to listen to it all. So, it's easy to assume you are indispensible when you are not.

It sounds like you want to still be friends and a godmother but without the constant hysteria. You could try clearly laying out some boundaries although she will feel rejected. However, it's better to try that first and see what happens rather than to just lose the friendship, although that may ultimately be what happens.

Is it possible she's seeking reassurance and approval?

Judging by how she has to involve you in every part of her life, it could be that she's really insecure about any decisions she has to make.

You're going to have to distance yourself from her whatever you choose to do or you're going to end up smashing your phone up with a hammer in a fit of temper to get away from her

I feel sorry for her as she sounds like something in her past has affected her, but you'll be doing her a favour if you feel able say something to her.

Even if it means her taking it to heart and thinking you're having a go, she might think about it at a later date when she's calmed down and realise she has to be a bit more self reliant.

(it also sounds a bit like emotional blackmail to kick off at someone for daring to criticise, 'don't do that again or I'll throw a tantrum')

pointed out that 7am texts and so on weren't actually normal friend behaviour).

It is on Friends etc. People believe that stuff is normal - we all do up to a point, not just the needy.

It does sound like she is fully committed to a relationship - yes, a relationship: that's how she sees it, as many people see their friendships. Is it the marrieds who don't see friendships like that, because they have their one intimate friend and don't need anyone else? Ask anyone who has been dumped by a friend how painful that is - it is like a romantic relationship ending, worse in some ways.

... fully committed and expects the same back. If you think it is awful being dragged around by her dramas, how does she feel about them? Some people get off on their dramas, does she? Do they make her miserable and desperate, or does she secretly enjoy them?

It is her total commitment to her friends that mitigates her high-maintenance life issues - if she were a bona fide emotional vampire, she wouldn't care about you or even notice if you're going through a difficult time.

sounds very much like an exfriend of mine. Very passive/aggressive. Very demanding and draining and needy. Like your friend, would be helpful and kind in a way, but expected that to mean LOADS more in return. always the victim, always everyone else being the problem and in the end I decided to say something. Needless to say, she hasnt spoken to me since, because she didnt accept that she has to be responsible for her own life and happiness!

She now has other people listening to her constant moaning and getting them to run around after her as she doesnt feel able to take responsibility for herself. I feel hugely relieved. I know it is more complicated in your situation because of your godson but perhaps there is a way that you can continue the relationship with him but distance yourself from your friend?
You are not responsible for her and I do think that by continuing to pander to people in this situation - rather than to be honest with them - you're almost condoning that kind of behaviour.

I just wanted to say I had a best friend we were mates for many many years. Then she started to get into debt and took money off me. She also started to flirt with every boyfreind and ex and got really bad.

In the end I took the step and ended our friendship. I only seen her twice in the last seven years. I still miss the good parts of our friendship and dont miss the bad parts.

I do have a new best friend but its not like the previous friendship.

If you walk away then you leave behind the burden speaking from experience I have never regretted it.

You will find a new best friend but it wont be the same.

Good luck with what ever you decide to do.