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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about my PFB

41 replies

mehpants · 12/03/2011 16:16

Namechanged.

Am I being unreasonable and a bit precious by being annoyed at DH sticking our 10 week old in front of baby tv almost every time he's in charge of entertaining him?

It's not often in the grand scheme, but it does seem to happen a lot when he's 'on baby duty'. Is it just that men find small babies boring and can't do all the carrying them about the place and coochy cooing?

we have a perfectly good playmat etc. and I've not raised it with him as I am aware that he already thinks I spend too much time telling him how he could do stuff better.

I just feel like I have the baby all day in the week and make efforts to entertain him properly (though admittedly that can sometimes include watching daytime tv) and so when DH has him he should be putting in more effort.

OP posts:

worraliberty · 12/03/2011 17:03

I wouldn't encourage a sling or constant holding..that's making a rod for your own back imo.

Once the baby is older and more 'interesting' then I'm sure your Husband will interact more. Right now at 10 weeks old, putting the baby in front of the TV is no different to putting baby in front of a window with a busy street outside.

Original poster

mehpants · 12/03/2011 17:11

I namechanged because DH knows my usual user name and dissing him on mumsnet would go down even worse than dissing his baby skills to his face plus he already caught me bashing his mum on here

I do use a sling and know DH isn't against having a go himself so I might try that. I suspect I have already made a rod for my own back by slinging and co-sleeping anyway

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/03/2011 17:12

I don't mean to upset you, OP, but it does sound as if you think you're 'in charge' of the baby and all that happens to him.

You come across as if you're constantly supervising and commenting on the way your DH spends time with his child and I don't think you should, not unless you can say, hand on heart, that you would take it on the chin if your DH criticised what you do with the baby and how you do it.

This seems to be something that mothers do and I think it's really destructive even though it's unintentional.

I don't know what entertainment you're laying on for a 10-week old OP, but it doesn't make you the 'uber parent' or the instructor of your DH.

As it's your first-born you're probably anxious but chill out a bit and take the time to enjoy babyhood, it doesn't last long.

Original poster

mehpants · 12/03/2011 17:19

yes, I am a bit like that and I'm not offended that you can see it. Thing is, most of the day and all of the night I am in charge of the baby so I think I get annoyed (too much so) with DH for doing it 'wrong' during the small amount of time he looks after the baby. I definitely need to loosen up and leave him to get on with it while I enjoy the baby free time.

RE the entertainment, I read books (well, those b&w board books), sing songs, rattle stuff, show him things or we're out drinking coffee, walks in the park, shopping etc. nothing too unusual.

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 12/03/2011 17:26

I think there are quite a few of us who would admit (here) that we have a tendency to 'take charge', *mehpants...

Just wait till your DS is old enough to really take notice, you'll have a fab time.

InspirationalBreadbin · 12/03/2011 17:28

YANBU but they all do this if tales from my baby groups are true. My DH was the same but does a lot more with him now he is 6 months. Though they did watch the Bond film together this afternoon. Sigh

BoysAreLikeDogs · 12/03/2011 18:39

yy I agree that you need to support DH's hamfisted attempts at caring

handing over bathtime and staying RIGHT out of the way is a good idea; hovering and critiscising offering helpful hints will backfire if you don't give him chance to develop his skills bet he juggles the baby like mine did oh my god he got a right bollocking for that

manicbmc · 12/03/2011 18:45

My twins were addicted to Countdown in the womb. TV is a wonderful thing.

exoticfruits · 12/03/2011 19:06

You are equal parents. Just leave it to DP when he is in charge and be grateful he isn't telling you what to do! DC probably likes a rest as much as DP-constant entertainment is tiring for all!

ongakgak · 12/03/2011 20:04

My Dh did exactly the same! I would get a lie-in at the weekend and he would take DS down stairs for a couple of hours, and just watch TV together. he would talk to the baby and potter around doing stuff, but I would be thinking- you need to interact more! I think I was being PFB about it. Also as soon as the better weather came my DH took DS up to the allotment and would have him laid down next to him while he planted and so on. I thought this was much better!

I think you need to maybe have a chat about parenting styles and what is important and how TV has its place, it is not really their to entertain babies.

I do distinctly remember asking my DH what he thought we should do about DS- stuff along the lines of "look DS is pulling his ear, d'you think he's tired" always asking him for "advice" trying to draw him into reading the babies signs more. IYSWIM.

Congratulations on being a new mum BTW!

Sarraburd · 12/03/2011 20:21

Yanbu - I always feel like dh uses all the get out of jail free cards meaning that I can never take any short cuts...however,'i avreemwith whoever it was above who said all men do this (and it's v rare to find a nappy changed while they've been in charge too!)

But. That said, I agree you need to back off a bit or he'll be put off doing anything.

Also, it's worth bearing in mind that men have a very different parenting style to women (women's role being to keep the child alive for th first five years and men's to prepare the child for looking after itself inthe world after that). Mine never seem to come back from trip out with dh with same number of socks/gloves etc they set out with. But he's now confident enough that he took three kids camping by himself for a week to give me a break :-)

Let him make his own mistakes, and learn from them.

chocolatepuff · 12/03/2011 20:26

i think most mums feel as though no'one in the world can love, care for and stimulate/entertain their baby as much as they can. it is certainly true that no'one worries about them as much as we! my dp struggled to do things with our weeks old dd. once they get to 6 months they start getting so much more fun and interactive, im sure your dh will come into his own then.

in the meantime, i know its hard but try and hold back the critisism and praise him when he interacts -'you're so good with him!' etc.
Also, could you encourage him to take dc out for a walk on a sat morn while you have a lie-in? it is harder to relax when dc is at home. Or - and im doin this myself tomo, going out for breakfast and coffee on your own while they stay at home?

AnnaCam · 12/03/2011 21:08

I have to agree with you mehpants I have the same feelings. My DH takes my 5 month old for one morning a week...what do I find when I enter the living room...baby in seat in front of tv and DH on the internet looking at cars...

He comes in from work at night and winds up the baby just as I am trying to calm him down ready for bed.

I've tried to talk to him about it, but it goes in one ear and out the other!

He just isn't interested in hearing how hard I've worked to get him into a great routine for naps and bedtime.

My friends have commented that talking baby all day is a bit boring for men so I'm desperately trying to talk to him about other stuff...BUT...when you've been talking to a 5 month old all day you get starved of adult conversation so my mouth goes into overdrive as soon as he walks in the door!!

GotArt · 12/03/2011 21:30

anna "starved of adult conversation so my mouth goes into overdrive as soon as he walks in the door!!" I hear ya! lol.

meh Don't worry too much... LO is only 10 weeks. I watched lots of TV in those first few months of being mother. As DD became about 5 months old, I plopped her down many times, particularly before making meals, in front of Treehouse, (kids tv in Canada) to get the meal made without much interruption. Still turn it on before dinnertime (she's just over 2) making as it keeps her occupied a bit more while playing, especially the interactive programs. Although, I have noticed recently that I must curtail The Simpsons and The Family Guy now because I noticed she was 'watching' it. There comes a point when you need to start really thinking about what they are watching, even if its the news, but as long as its kids programming, they'll be OK with a bit of TV. DH never knew what to do with her when she was that little, and fair enough, neither did I really. Relax and snuggle.

Liv77 · 12/03/2011 22:36

YANBU but I agree with other posters it's probably best not to critise too much. I think we can all be a bit overbearing with our PFB and I often had to bite my tongue when DH was doing something that I would do differently.
I went back to work part-time when my DS was 6 months old and DH had sole charge of DS on a Saturday when he was day off. (my mum had DS during the week) I would usually plan them some activity to do so he had to take him out of the house (he took him to baby-signing, charity fetes etc) Also bathtime and swimming were made mainly Dad only events.

DH got much more confident as DS got older and more responsive plus the time on their own without me watching over his shoulder probably helped too. Plus all the attention that men on their own with a cute baby seem to attract doesn't do any harm. It doesn't end there either. DH took DS to a 3rd birthday party today. He only knew one other parent there but said he chatted with most of the other mums, but there was only one other dad there. I said "oh did you speak to the other dad" DH said "no"

My TV problem was with my in-laws, they only had DS for the occassional afternoon every couple of weeks but you can guarantee that when I came home or whenever we visited them FIL had News24 on. I once came home to find PIL's were both in the kitchen and DS (2.5yrs at the time) was in the lounge wide-eyed with his face inches away from the widescreen where a blood soaked dead body from some warzone was on display.

I tried politely pointing out several times that I didn't really want DS watching the news but it just didn't sink in and I didn't want to make a big fuss as apart from that they are lovely and dote on DS. Luckily DS is now 3 and has worked out how to operate the TV/DVD controls so if FIL leaves the TV on DS will put one of his own DVD's on instead. Last time I came back FIL was being made to watch the Wiggles and DS was shouting "sing it granpa"

ps sorry for the long post

exoticfruits · 13/03/2011 08:28

He will come into his own when DC is talking and mobile-I dare say he doesn't know what to do at the moment and he needs time and space to work it out for himself.

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