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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to leave my dd2 to cry herself to sleep

57 replies

igetmorelovefromthecat · 11/03/2011 22:10

She is fed, she is changed, there is nothing wrong with her. She just wants me to lie next to her with my nipple in her mouth all night I've had enough of it.

She is 7.5 months old. I haven't had a decent night's sleep for 15 months (crap pg).

She is bawling her head off upstairs. I feel really crap but I can't take it anymore. She wakes up at least 10 times a night and I have had enough.

I feel really evil though.

OP posts:

SpeedyGonzalez · 11/03/2011 23:46

If you do try white noise, make sure it's loud, as apparently our bodies are extremely noisy from the womb!

Really feeling for you. You will get there...

mmsmum · 11/03/2011 23:49

I was trying to think back to when DD was a baby and do you know what she always fell asleep to? The hairdryer! She couldn't stay awake. Worth a try?

FabbyChic · 11/03/2011 23:51

Don't leave her to cry, she will think she has done something wrong. Pick her up, she cries because she wants comfort.

Take her to be with you if you must, but don't leave her, it isn't good for them.

working9while5 · 11/03/2011 23:53

I don't think it's good for them if their parents lose it with them either.

It depends how close you are to the edge. Any health professional would tell you that if you start to feel angry, you need to walk away.

bubbleymummy · 12/03/2011 02:48

Yabu - there is a good bit in Elizabeth Pantley's no cry sleep solution about helping them to fall asleep without a nipple in their mouth. :) it's basically detaching them just before they fall asleep and cuddling them - if they nuzzle for milk again give it to them but again, try to detatch them just before they're asleep. Eventually you can move to putting them down after milk and a cuddle. It takes a bit of time but it's a more gentle approach and takes the baby's needs into consideration more than just leaving them to cry. I can understand reaching the end if your tether and needing to walk away for a few minutes but please don't just leave her - she's only little and she doesn't understand.

Also, for those saying that babies need to be taught to self settle - babies will learn this themselves when they are ready. They do not need to be 'trained' by being left to cry themselves to sleep. If this is necessary then my two would still be waking all night and they don't!

McGill · 12/03/2011 03:48

Yawn. Igetmore-I have a wee 6 month old on my boob as I type for the 4 th time tonight and tonights been a good night! She is my 3 rd but the other 2 r both under 4 so I have co-slept with her simply to maximise my sleep( and cuddles as I know she is my last!). However she now wakes soooo often at night fir a snack that my sleep is just too disturbed.... Over the last 2 months I have had days every so often when I feel I am just going to crack-those nights I get all determined she WILL go in her cot and I WONT feed her all the time-I have sat with her and let her cry it out& she usually settles pretty quickly.... But then we go thru a teething phase/cold etc, so I bring her back into bed flr comfort then it becomes habit again then the cycle starts again..... Aaah! I hAve no advice as I am clearly crap but just want u to know u r not alone! I am trying agAin tonight to keep putting her back in her cot and I just let her try& cry itout for a while there as it was only 1 hr ago I fed her.... But she is still in our room and my husband, as lovely as he is, is such a light sleeper and the quiet sighs of disgruntlement from him made me give in v quickly... At times like these I hVe to remind myself they won't be grabbing ur saggy boob and sookin all night when they're 18..... X

DaisyDaresYOU · 12/03/2011 07:30

I wished i'd done cc tbh.My dds 2 and a half and still wakes 3times in the night.The advice is to only leave baby for 20minutes a time and that's after making sure they are fed,warm and have a clean nappy then you cuddle them if they are still crying and put them back down.It's not evil

LadyOfTheManor · 12/03/2011 07:45

Well done for attempting cc. We used it and had no problems, it's a wonderful technique and will give you some freedom. It's heartbreaking but keep with it, after about 4 nights she should stick it out.

Vallhala · 12/03/2011 07:52

You're at the end of your tether, you are getting stroppy with your other child, you're finding it very hard to cope with the occupation which helps put a roof over your head so you try - successfully - to solve it using a technique which has been used for decades, perhaps centuries... you need to ask ot you're unreasonable?

The short period of adjustment to your daughter whilst she comes to understand how to self settle is a drop in the ocean compared to you having to deal with sleep deprivation on a daily basis.

Of course you're not BU, you need to be able to cope in order to look after ALL baby's needs, as well as those of her sibling. Take no notice of those who'll try to make you feel guilty.

Vallhala · 12/03/2011 07:54

if, not "ot" you're unreasonable.

Georgimama · 12/03/2011 09:01

The OP didn't do CC. She let her baby CIO and she happened to fall asleep fairly quickly. There's a big difference between CC and CIO.

ShinyMoonInAPurpleSky · 12/03/2011 09:22

There are times during the day when nothing will calm my ds but if I put him down and walk out of the room he will cry for 5 minutes before falling asleep for a nap. It's like he wants some time on his own for a little while and all the cuddling was too much. IMO this is all the OP did last night when her lo fell asleep, I'm sure it's the baby whisperer that talks about a "mantra cry".

Well last night ds must have heard what I was planning because the night went like this:

7pm sleep
12.00 he was stirring so I went in, replaced his dummy (I know! I know!) and he turned over and went back to sleep
12.15 he started crying so I went in, picked him up and fed him - a full feed for once!
12.45 he was back in his cot and asleep.
5.30 ds woke for the morning - I left him playing until 6am because 5.30 is not morning imo lol!

This is the first time he has done this in so long (and the first time 1 feed was enough). :o

Interestingly, SpeedyGonzalez I now completely understand your point regarding the volume of the noise - ds has a musical projector thing which starts playing music when he cries so it was playing when he woke for his feed. We use it as part of his bedtime routine so it was quite loud (I normally turn the volume down once he's asleep but I had forgotton). It plays music and I think the volume of the music helped keep ds calm when he woke up because that was the only thing that was different last night and he slept properly for the first time in months.

How did your night go Igetmorelove?

Original poster

igetmorelovefromthecat · 12/03/2011 10:17

Bubbley - I have read NCSS and tried the PPO but it just doesn't work. As soon as I pull away so goes bananas. I have tried and tried again with it.

Shiny - hmm not brilliant. I gave her a bottle of formula for the first time hoping that it might keep her asleep for longer. I went to bed at midnight, she woke up as she usually does when I get into bed, and had a BF. She was a bit snotty so I don't know if that was disturbing her, but she did wake up quite a few times (no idea how many but it was a lot!). She didn't really want to feed when she woke up most of the time so I just rolled over and left her to it a few times (she was not really crying, more grizzling), and she did get herself back to sleep. It's like she wakes up and then just gets really cross that she's awake because she's so tired.

OP posts:

Original poster

igetmorelovefromthecat · 12/03/2011 10:22

Oh, forgot to say, the little monkey is still asleep now, enjoying a nice lie in!

OP posts:

whydobirdssuddenlyappear · 12/03/2011 10:30

Georgimama, she went back up after a few minutes and stroked her head, settled her, then went back downstairs, after which her dd went to sleep within a couple of minutes after what ilove described as 'some low level grizzling'. She didn't leave her to cry herself to sleep.
Ilove, I wish I had some advice. Both of mine were crap at sleeping on their own at that age. I feel your pain.

whydobirdssuddenlyappear · 12/03/2011 10:30

igetmorelove even. Sorry. Children climbing on me, impeding my mning.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 12/03/2011 15:05

We didn't do CC with DD but we did do a combination of PUPD and shush/pat. I did however leave the room for a few minutes to see if DD stopped crying and we stopped rushing into her at the first whimper.

I has taken about 5 months or so... I started by switching her to a bottle and she would fall asleep in my lap. We slowly started lowering her into the cot while nearly asleep and finally, we can put her in awake and pat/rub her back while shushing. Sometimes she just falls asleep in her cot and her self-settling has improved loads.

We also use a classical music CD as the noise masks sudden noises that were waking her up and I turned off her night light as this was giving her the option of looking around when she did wake.

It's not been a quick fix and maybe some of it is DD getting older, but she now sleeps through (7pm-6am) most nights or only wakes briefly once.

LadyOfTheManor · 12/03/2011 15:51

After CC we moved on to self soothing.

GiddyPickle · 12/03/2011 17:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaryThornbar · 12/03/2011 17:58

Seriously, why put yourself through months and months of broken sleep? Your baby isn't getting quality sleep either. If you leave her to cry a bit, and are sure she is just tired, she will learn to sleep by herself and will never remember the couple of days it took her to learn, and you will both be happier for it.

Some babies may eventually teach themselves to sleep, but many many more will not, and will eventually need to cry a bit at some stage to learn how to sleep. Just make sure that whatever you do, you are consistent in your approach - don't go down the road of cc/cio if you are not prepared to follow it though or you will just end up with a confused baby - but don't feel guilty if this is what you decide to do.

One thing I found really useful for calming & settling my baby is loud shushing in his ear whilst patting him quite firmly on the back - this might be something to try before you go for the CC/CIO thing.

Original poster

igetmorelovefromthecat · 12/03/2011 18:14

Well bedtime is looming and I am wondering what I should do tonight - seeing as she managed to settle herself fairly quickly last night. Mind you she was completely exhausted and it was gone 10pm and ideally I would like her to go down at about 8pm.

Normally I would lie down and feed her to sleep. Not sure whether to give her formula before bed like I did last night as it obviously made bugger all difference and she still woke several times.

She has also got snottier and snottier during the day and is really snuffly so I'm wondering if this is the right time to start getting 'heavy' with her about getting herself to sleep.

So confused, don't know where to start as I know once you have a plan you have to follow it through as MaryThornbar says. The sleep deprivation isn't helping my clear thinking!

OP posts:

Original poster

igetmorelovefromthecat · 12/03/2011 18:17

Also, when she wakes in the night I always feed her back to sleep, even if she just latches on for comfort and isn't really hungry. So if I am trying to get her to self settle at the start of the night what about when she wakes up the 10+ times? Thing is if I nip her awakeness in the bud with the boob she will usually go straight back to sleep, but otherwise she goes nuts and is then fully awake and doesn't want to settle down again.

OP posts:

McGill · 12/03/2011 19:27

My own opinion is only start something like letting them cry it out/ stopping feeding them etc if they r totally well/ not teething etc. As it's heartbreaking anyway, so if she's a bit under the weather u will not really know if she is partly also crying cos she doesn't feel too good and genuinely needs a cuddle rather thAn just habit, if u see what I mean... Best of luck anywAy x

SpeedyGonzalez · 12/03/2011 20:45

We observed with DD that by 7-ish months she ALWAYS got ratty at exactly 7pm. Have you noticed any such patterns with yours, OP? With some babies, sticking to their preferred bedtime makes all the difference - you know the 3 yawn thing?

FWIW I tried NCSS with DS and it didn't work for me, either. For someone who is against CC on principle (and I'm not sure if that's you, OP), the Baby Whisperer's method (or a variation thereof) is a good alternative, IMO.

SpeedyGonzalez · 12/03/2011 20:46

Oh, and how was tonight? Maybe you're with her now.

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