to do this commute?

[takethatlady]

Hi there. Any help appreciated here!

DH and I currently live just north of Cambridge. He's a teacher in a school 20 minutes west of here and I work at the University of East Anglia in Norwich. I'm nearly 25 weeks pregnant with DC1

We had initially hoped to move to Norwich but a thousand different problems have occurred which now means that isn't very likely.

So now, after my 6 months' maternity leave (plus some annual leave) we're considering the following plan:

I work 3 very long days a week in Norwich and catch the train there. This is a 90 minute journey plus a 20 minute bus journey to campus. I would leave at 7am, get there at 9, stay until 7pm and get home at 9pm on those three days (Tues-Thurs).

This sounds like hell, I know. But it would mean that I would only need to bring a smallish amount of work home to make up my hours, which I could do on a Sunday afternoon/evening when DH will be free to take care of the baby. And it would mean that on Mondays and Fridays I would be free to just be with the baby and not doing any work.

On the days I am working the baby will go to a nursery near DH's school (there are 3 to choose from in the nearby area) and he will do pick-ups/drop-offs/evening care, etc.

I know this is going to be hard. But please tell me it's not impossible?

hairylights I'm not assuming that my employer would allow that. They do allow it and I have already discussed it with my line manager and HR and been given the all clear. I agree with laquitar and madamdeathstare on this one - they won't be paying me overtime so it's up to me how I arrange my hours.

As it is, most academics put in many more hours than 40 hours a week but they do not do them all from campus. Many of my colleagues with or without children only go to campus 2/3 days a week for teaching and meetings, which are the only timetabled elements of their work. The rest they do when they like - in the middle of the night in their pyjamas if necessary. So I'm not asking for anything unusual. I appreciate that this set-up might not work in other contexts but in academia it can (and does).

fabbychic the only way I could change my job would be to get a lectureship in Cambridge. The next lectureship likely to come up is in 2 years time when one of the English Faculty in my area is going to retire - and then I'd be up against the other 100 people who'd apply. I will apply when it comes up, but I've spent ten years training for this career and it makes no sense to jack it in now and convert to something I'm not qualified for and earn half the money.

Thanks for the tip about attachment theory. There are other studies and other theories, though, and I can't extend my maternity leave beyond 6 months for financial reasons. I don't really want to get into a debate about whether or not I should/shouldn't be using childcare from 6 months as that's just about the one thing that's a given in this situation!

I don't want it to seem like I'm not listening to people - I'm definitely getting the picture that this, if we choose to do it, is going to be hell, and that I need to think long and hard about all the issues people are raising. I definitely think, based on what other commuters have said, that I will make sure I get home earlier and work on the train, for instance. But permanent jobs in academia are very hard to come by and the chances of me changing my job at this moment in time are almost zero, without reducing our income to a point where we can't pay our mortgage. We only live in a 2-up 2-down so I'm working to support a luxury lifestyle or anything!

Gah - pregnancy brain - I'm not working to support ....

Oops sorry quenelle, I missed you. I very much see this as a temporary arrangement until something comes up for either DH or I.

If it's an arrangement at all. We just keep going round and round all the different possible permutations. As DH put it, there's a bullet speeding towards us and one of us is going to catch it, and even if he dives in front of it it still might miss him and hit me!

I think our primary concern has to be what will be easiest for the baby, and our secondary concern what will be easiest for us (not that the two are mutually exclusive, of course). It's just working out what the hell that will be!

Either DH or me. Really, I can't write today. Sorry!

takethatlady Sounds like you have your priorities right. Sorry your options are so tough at the moment. Hope all works out in the long run and all the best with the baby.

Thanks quenelle :) I suppose I just don't want putting the baby first and me second to mean I end up having a nervous breakdown!

Maybe I might do non-consecutive days instead of Tuesdays to Thursdays, so that it isn't a big block of time in which I might not see her but is broken up a bit.

laquitar they may allow it, but it would be wrong to assume they'd allow it, and plan on that basis with no other options. You can't tell if they'll allow it til you've put your request in.

I would be really concerend with a request like that, that the person would be too knackered to actually do their job while they were there.

I think it sounds ok, in the end it's probably short term 2years and it give you more time to get a better idea of how life will look in the long run.

I have to say if could have had this option and paid a full time salary I'd have jumped at the option despite the commute.

As to sleeping patterns many babies are flexible and can adapt. DS would have been awake at this time anyway as he is somewhat of a night owl, at 9.10-10 with both of mine I would have been doing a last feed before night anyway.

I wouldn't do the shorter hours and four days, more expensive and 3 days give you a better chance of doing the baby and toddler groups on the other 2.

non-consecutive days sounds even better!!

There would have to be some very very good reasons for me to even consider this but if I did I think Mon Wed Fri would be easier than 3 days in a row. It would give you the option to consider doing the longer days you first mentioned, getting home at 9 isn't nearly so bad if you are not having to be at the train station at 7 the following day.

takethatlady - your plan of having a couple of dry runs is an excellent one.

Apologies if this is an impertinence but please do consider what your alternative would be if your normal mode of transport doesnt work for some reason.

I once had to do a 2 hour drive home with a trapped nerve in my neck. At that time my DH didnt drive so I had no alternative but to drive myself.

Good luck with this. Having children alays seem to involve a lot of compromise.

Thanks lunar, tyler and hairy. Just to reiterate, I'm not making any assumption that my employers will allow me to do this. As long as I do all the work that is required of me they have no issue. They wouldn't assume it to be a problem before it was one, IYSWIM.

Oh good one gnome - that definitely requires some thought.

At the moment I use the car and drive and I drop DH off at a bus stop (this adds 30 mins to my drive) and he catches the bus and gets a lift home with his boss who lives very close to us. But as he'd have the baby we wouldn't be able to rely on either of those things ...

Thanks for that - it definitely adds to the list of things we need to consider more carefully before we make a decision.

takethatlady I am in a similar situation to you.

I went back to work when my son was 6.5 months old, he's now 8.5. I commute from Beds to London on the coach which takes much longer than the train but I did it to drop from 36(full time) to 27 hours p/w, door to door it is just over 2 hours, sometimes longer and I do this 3 days a week, Monday, Wednesday, Thursday. I get up at 5am, leave at 5.45 arrive 7.45 ish then leave work at 5.10pm then home any time after 7.15pm. Having Tuesdays off is a lifesaver and a 3 day weekend helps me recover from 2 full on days!

I will be totally honest, it is exhausting and I don't like it, life feels like a tough old slog at the moment. DS has only just started sleeping through and I was a zombie in my first few weeks, couldn't stay awake in meetings etc. I also was still exclusively bf as we weaned at 6 months and it takes a while to get going, but since he's sleeping through in the last week it has been easier. I feel like the journey is a pile of crap and hate being so far away. My DH is responsible for little man, takes him to nursery on campus 1 day a week (he's an EngD student) and 2 days at home with him.

As others have suggested, getting home at 7pm may be easier. Some nights I do miss my little man before bed, others I get cuddle and occasionally to do the bath as his bedtime can change depending on whether he's had a lie in! I wish I had longer than 6.5 months with him. I wish I didn't have to work so far away but I get paid relatively well and do part time. It isn't going to be like this forever as will be planning next baby later this year and we may move and I would ideally like to drop a day and work 2 days a week.

One thing I will say though is the look on my son's face when I walk in is heart meltingly gorgeous, he flaps his arms and squeals with happiness.

It sounds like you and DH are in a pickle of a situation right now but do whatever works best and if something doesn't work then change it. It will be hard, but you will cherish your time with your baby so much more if you work harder for it. An there's always annual leave for a cheeky day off!

All the best for the rest of your pregnancy and baby

summerfruitsalad thank you SO much for that. It sounds like you are doing everything you can for the best for you and your family :)

It's really good to hear honest appraisals of how other people cope, and good to know we're not the only ones in this sort of situation. I'm glad people have told me how tough it will be - I will definitely ask for non-consecutive days if we go ahead with this. I'm terrified I won't be able to keep up with work on this schedule, too (sometimes flexibility is as much of a curse as a boon, I think) and that I'll feel I'm doing everything badly. But I'm glad to hear that other people do manage it, even if it's not ideal.

We'll just keep researching all the different options and pray something sorts itself out. Good luck to you too fruitsalad - especially with your hoped-for new arrival! :)

I am at a uni in London (as a student though) and there is a lecturer who commutes on the eurostar from Holland 3 days a week, as most stuff is dealt with via email you cant actually tell from a student perspective

I wouldnt do a 3 day block but would try and be off either Mon/Fri so that there is a block of rest

I live on the outskirts of london and commute in and is stll an hour!

I wouldn't do it, it sounds exhausting. If you're likely to be getting a different job in 2012 anyway I'd take on something ordinary/nearby instead for a few months to tide you over.

Thanks littleducks and pepsi. Unfortunately it can't work like that pepsi - getting the second job (which I might not get anyway, but there are good reasons to think I might) would be wholly dependent on my performance in my current job.

Holland! Now that really is a commute! Bloody hell! I'm guessing that person doesn't have any small children ...

My DH commuted to Norwich, but by car, from north of Cambridge. I'm guessing you live near me . He found it tough until he found someone to lift share with. Have you thought about that, there are websites about this? Also would it be possible to work from home during the holidays? If so then a nanny share may be a better option.

Two smallish children (in primary school and nursery) hence the 3 day week

How did the commute feel when you were doing it 5 days a week ?

Bit concerned about dh picking you up - is baby not going to be in bed? This will be fine with a v little baby but v little babies grow up and you need a bed time routine - he cant be woke up at 9 to go out.

I know it is not what you want to hear - but I think this will leave you both knacked and stressed. It couls put a strain on your relationship.

I think the days are too long, combined with a 6 month old. How about 9-5 to be home by 7pm and a day working from home?

If you put your DD in childcare the extra day you would probably be a LOT less stressed for the lovely 3 days you do have with her.

peskypiskie great ideas both. I will look into car sharing and yes, I could work from home during the school holidays (though not during the whole of the uni vacations as I'm guessing trying to do work with a baby in the house on my own is going to be impossible) so will look into nanny share too. Thank you!

legaleagle you're right - and rjrabbit - I've already said during this thread that I think there's a bit of a consensus about the days being too long. Didn't think of a 4th day in childcare and me working at home ... will look into that too.

I've never done the commute 5 days a week - I go in 3/4 days and do the rest from home now. Plus i go by car ...