To expect DH to do just a bit more?

[WriterofDreams]

DH and I have been together 9 years and he's never been that great for housework. It has led to a few rows over the years during which he promises to try harder etc etc etc. In all other ways he is a fab husband - he's kind, affectionate, great with DS, and works very hard to provide for us.

So the problem is this. Since I had DS (10 weeks ago) he seems to have got worse rather than better on the housework front. He has started leaving things around the place (crisp packets, sports gear) when he didn't before, and the jobs that he agreed to do (cleaning the bathroom for example) either get done at very random intervals or only half done. I have spoken to him about this and again he said he'd try harder but again very little has changed. Last night I went out for a couple of hours after DS went to bed and I was hoping DH would clean up the few bits and pieces from dinner that were left in the kitchen. Nope, still all strewn about the place this morning. It's these little things that get to me.

The thing that's stopping me from throwing a hissy fit is from the day DS was born he has looked after him every night until 2, when I take over. This means he doesn't get much sleep before he gets up for work but he doesn't complain and has never asked to change it. DS has been waking up a lot lately between 12 and 2 so his sleep is even more disrupted.

Right after all that, my question is, should I just let the housework issue slide while DS is still so young and we're both tired, or should I put my foot down now for fear of getting on the slippery slope? I don't think I'll be going back to work so my fear is that he'll get even worse and expect me to pick up after him all the time, which I have no intention of doing.

I'd let it slide for now, but only for a little while. He's probably pretty tired and overwhelmed and wanting to feel like a little tiny bit of his life is still his. Your son is very very new, I wouldn't take anything about right now as a sign of anything to come.

But certainly don't fall into the trap of 'you're home so you do it' on an ongoing basis.

My way of feeling under control when mine was tiny was to clean and clean and clean (during naps!) and as a result DH stopped doing much because the house was better than it had been in ages. As soon as things settled down he picked it back up again.

People on here rarely agree with me on this matter but I think you are right to ask him to do his fair share. Stay at home Mum does not = stay at home cleaner IMO.

I have just become a SAHM myself and my DH does more than his fair share of the housework. TBH that is because I have spent 7 years raising 2 children whilst working 2 PT jobs and studying so even though DH worked FT, he still had more time for these things than I did. However, having just had DS3, I plan on spending a couple of years at home as I feel I have achieved what I wanted professionally and educationally. My DH is a neat freak, i'm not, so he's finding it hard to let go of the reigns in the house wrt cleaning. I am doing bit more than I used to but I would much rather spend my days having quality time with my new baby, plus our eldest is severely disabled and needs a lot of care which takes up lot of time.

TBH, your DH just sounds lazy in terms of just not picking up after himself. Even if you do not mind taking on most of the house duties now you are the SAHP he shouldn't still be acting like a teenager and leaving crisp packets etc for you to pick up. You are not him Mum!!!!

HTH

I can only speak for me but as the baby is 10wks old and he is working, I would take over the night feeds so he gets more sleep. Do you have other children at home who prevent your from sleeping during the day?

reins doh!

Last night I went out for a couple of hours after DS went to bed and I was hoping DH would clean up the few bits and pieces from dinner that were left in the kitchen

The key word there is "hoping". Some people see mess, where others dont notice it at all. If you had said to him as you walked out of the door "can you just tidy the kitchen please while I am out".. perhaps he would have done it.. if he hadnt, then you would have fair grounds to moan.

I would take over night feeds except that I have a mild neurological condition that means I have to get a block of sleep or it affects me badly. Even if I didn't have that I don't think DH would allow me to do all the night feeds as he thinks it's too much. DS is a very bad sleeper so if he didn't help out I'd get very little sleep.

I agree with what you say, boys, it feels like he's starting to see me a bit like a mum (to him!) as the leaving the crisp packets around is a totally new thing - he used to be very good for taking all empty cups/rubbish out of the sitting room before going to bed. I feel bad having a go at him about it as he has a lot going on in terms of work and looking after DS but at the same time I feel it's an issue of respect and I don't want to let it go.

Ah that's a huge issue of contention Squeaky - the idea that DH doesn't "see" mess. That really doesn't wash with me at all. He knows what a clean kitchen looks like and it certainly wasn't clean last night. To me, constantly telling him what to do makes me even more like his mum and it makes me feel like an annoying nag TBH. Is it too much to ask for an intelligent adult to know what a clean house looks like and to try to keep it that way?

I think you're being terribly hard on him. The poor bloke is probably exhausted.

So the leaving of crisp packets and not tidying the few things in the kitchen is a new thing? Well so is parenthood...you both have a new baby for goodness sake, cut the man some slack

Have been through this with a dh who hasn't got up once since first dc was born 11 years ago and despite being an intelligent man doesn't seem capable of closing a cupboard door after retrieving something from inside it! When heavily pregnant with dc no. 3 I got a cleaner and kept her until dd2 was about 6 months old and sleeping ok. Is that an option?

I'm pretty exhausted too worraliberty! I really don't think it's too much to ask him not to leave rubbish around the sitting room, is it? If he leaves rubbish around I have two choices - sit in a rubbish strewn sitting room feeding DS or leave him cry and clean it up. Not a great choice is it?

Cleaner isn't an option unfortunately - we can't afford it. The house is generally ok as I can keep on top of the bigger jobs like hoovering and mopping etc, it's just the little bits of shit DH leaves around that piss me off. Something that really gets to me is that he feeds the cats in the morning then leaves the empty tin on the counter top. It would take one second to put it in the bin, why doesn't he do it??

I'm with you on the "doesn't see mess" argument WriterofDreams. Why should women feel the need to ask men to do things all of the time? If 2 people share a home and are adults surely maintaining that home should be the responsibility of both of them and one partner should not have to "nag" the other to pick up a crisp packet?!

Sorry why do you have to 'leave your child to cry' just to clean up a few crisp packets and bits?

The guy is at work all day, sees to the baby til 2am and you're moaning about a bit of untidiness?

Really, if you'd started this thread saying that you were doing all those things and your husband was moaning because you didn't have the kitchen clean when he came home, we'd be reading things like Tell him to clean it himself if he's so fussy, you have a new baby to cope with etc....

I don't "see" mess either. I really have to remind myself. I do things like leaving cat food tins where they are too! I moved the bin next to the cat feeding place which helps.

What helps me is having a small bin or two in every single room so instead of thinking "Oh I'll put that in the bin later" it's right there, so I just put it in straight away. I still forget but then it makes it easier to tidy when I do notice.

He should be able to remind himself even if he isn't a naturally tidy person. Mind you I think I am notoriously difficult to live with on the tidiness front

Just talk to him - maybe he is just knackered and forgetting to remind himself at the moment. Just tell him how it makes you feel and maybe you can come to a solution between the two of you.

I would say leave it for a few weeks (in other 10 weeks sleep might be better) and tackle it then if it's still bugging you.
Adjusting to life with a baby is hard and takes it's toll. A messy house for another couple of months won't kill either of you and standards can be raised as ds starts to get older and everyone starts to find their feet.
YANBU but need to hold off any confrontations. It does sound like he's great in every other way!
Congratulations!

Lol once the baby's a bit older, a tidy house will be a distant memory anyway!

DS takes very short naps during the day so I use those to get the big jobs like hoovering done. The crap DH leaves around adds to those jobs so I can rarely get them done while DS is asleep. I often have to soak and scrub the counter to get the globs of dried on cat food off, if DH would just wipe it when it's still wet it wouldn't be a problem! So sometimes I have to leave DS cry to get it done. I am by no means a neat freak, it's just that dried in catfood on the counter makes me

Was he leaving this kind of mess before, or not? If so then you need to work out some kind of agreement. If he was managing it better before it's probably a temporary thing because of tiredness to do with the baby. Still worth mentioning that it makes you feel annoyed etc.

TBH though, "try harder" isn't really good enough. When someone says "I'll try" it means "I don't think I can". Instead of a vague promise to "try harder" or "be better" get him to agree to some concrete things he will do to help out.

This sounds really bad but I had to make myself a checklist of how things should be - floor clear in living room, no cups left on side, clear and wiped down worksurfaces, sink clear of toothpaste drips, etc. And then check off the list every day to remind myself what needs doing. Otherwise I literally miss things like cups or rubbish or clothes lying around. I notice when it's really messy, and I notice when it's clean, it's the in between bits that escape me. I don't know how you could do this for someone else though without it coming across as patronising or nagging.

He used to be pretty good for clearing up after himself, so maybe that is just a temporary thing. My worry though is that he sees me as the mummy and so just doesn't bother. Leaving crisp packets etc about the place seems like a small thing but to me it signals that he expects me to be his servant, the he won't even put his own rubbish in the bin.

He agreed when I went back to work after I was off for illness last year that his job would be to clean the bathroom. Since then he has never once done it properly - he either doesn't clean the mirror or the floor or the bathmat or something, it really drives me mad. I always remind myself that at least he tries but then I think, he has a responsible job that he does really well, am I going to swallow the excuse that he is just not capable of doing a simple cleaning job properly?

Okay crisp packets one thing, dried up cat food on kitchen surfaces totally another. Yuk and yuk and yuk.
Could you afford a cleaner once a week so then you would just need to do tidying and kitchen wiping? Paying for a cleaner might make him sit up and think as well.

I'd love to have a cleaner but money is very tight at the moment so it's not really an option. I just went to empty the bathroom bin (as that's another job he's neglected to do) and discovered it is covered in mould so clearly he hasn't cleaned it for the last few months. I started to clean it myself but DS started crying (and is now feeding) so had to stop. Would it be too much to just leave it so that he can see what it's like when he gets home? This kind of thing really gets to me. A bit of mess is one thing but actual filth and mould - as you say pomme - yuk and yuk and yuk.

No, not unreasonable at all to show him when he gets home, to show him why it upsets you.

It might not necessarily be that he sees it as your job to clean up, if he really is that sort of 'built in' untidy. If I leave rubbish etc around it isn't because I expect someone else to pick it up - I'm the only person over the age of 3 living here anyway so nobody else to do it for me. But when I lived with XP, and at home, etc, I was still messy - if someone else tidied up my mess because it bothered them, I'd feel bad that they had to do that, but it still wouldn't make me think to do it first next time. I can relate to the bathroom thing as well - I usually miss out one or two tasks when I clean a room fully - although, if he's doing it often enough it shouldn't matter if he misses one or two bits each time (especially if different bits) - if it's always the same bit then perhaps it does need pointing out. Sorry, I don't know if this is helpful at all (probably not!)

Really though if he has trouble remembering/just doesn't think to do stuff it shouldn't be your job to remind him all the time. He is an adult! He needs to write himself a list of jobs or a checklist of things to make sure are done.

Would be interesting to know what his mum is like - is she a bit "Oh all men are useless at housework" or is she really messy too?

Sorry I didn't reply before Bertie, I lost the thread! Wasn't showing up on my threads page for some reason. Well I showed him the bin on Friday, he was apologetic as usual. I asked him later that day if he'd make sure to get the bathroom cleaned before the end of the weekend, he said of course. It is now Monday and is the bathroom cleaned? As per bloody usual, most of it is done, but the floor is still manky. I did ask him yesterday if he'd finished cleaning the bathroom, he said I'd said it in an accusing way (perhaps true) making out that of course he was going to finish it. And, of course, it's not finished.

It's all so bloody petty I know but it just pisses me off so much that I have live in a dirty house or just do the whole bloody lot myself.

His mum doesn't have the useless attitude, nor is she messy, but she is rather overbearing and I'd imagine he was never really allowed to do much cleaning when he was young. Not that I blame her at all - he's a grown man and capable of doing a lot more complicated things than cleaning!

hmmm were you working before you had your DS? Is this something that has happened since you went on maternity? As he is maybe thinking that you should do all the housework now as he is at work and you are at home all day. Nip this in the bud NOW if you can or it will get worse! I imagine your DS must nap a few hours a day? So on Sundays say when you are both home when DS goes to sleep do the housework together.

To be fair to DH, he cracked out the old steam mop this evening and gave the bathroom a good going over :) So he's out of the dog house for the moment but I know things will slip again. I'm in a good mood today so I feel quite philosophical about it all and think that this is one thing I can put up with as he is so great in other ways (he's currently serving up my dinner ) so I suppose I'll let it go..for now!