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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

my Mum really hurt me today

23 replies

thefruitwhisperer · 10/03/2011 21:28

I was desperately trying to get DS to latch on in Costa. I eventually gave up and got him a bottle (we've had alot of problems with BF but managed in some way up until now - 4 months)

In exasperation I said to my Mum, "I feel like hes rejecting me!" My mum answered this with, "Oh dont be so bloody stupid". I tried to say something else but she cut me off with "DONT DO THIS HERE! In PUBLIC!!!"

Costa was almost empty, only one other woman all the way down the end and we've had discussions on this in the past without her snapping and making me feel ashamed for feeling low. I got really upset and she must have realised it was what she'd said because she then said 'Its your period. I bet you are getting your period. You are always like this.' (Im not getting my period btw)

When I said "My period didnt make you dismiss my feelings like that", she apologised but I cant stop thinking about it. Shes had a lot of problems in the past with alcohol and hasnt always been good with supporting other people. I just feel so She spent the whole journey home saying she wasnt ashamed of me, but it really made me feel like I was 14 again and she was the Mum she used to be.

AIBU to still be crying?

OP posts:

mummyosaurus · 10/03/2011 21:35

YANBU she sounds like a bit of a toxic parent to me. Well done for standing up to her and putting her straight. It is very disappointing that she can't be kinder.

Do you have support other than your mum? If I were you I'd work on making some friends with babies the same age. Do you go to any playgroups?

If she can't change, then you are just going to have to lower your expectations of her, maybe limit contact if she continues to upset you so much.

I had lots of problems with feeding too, but slogged on with it. You are doing well to still be going 4 months on, as it's not been easy.

LadyOfTheManor · 10/03/2011 21:35

:( YANBU, she is. I think the bf issue was the straw that broke the camel's back IMO.

Have you both always had a hostile relationship?

PS: Keep trying with the bf, ask your HV for a breast feeding support group-I had issues and I found them really helpful :)

Flisspaps · 10/03/2011 21:36

Firstly, well done for making it to four months BF :) I only managed 7 weeks for fear of feeding in public.

Secondly, I understand that you're upset with your mum, but at the same time, I think that this is probably as much to do with giving DS a bottle as it is with your mum upsetting you, from the way you say you were desperately trying to latch him on and that you've managed so far despite having problems. Add on to that the hormonal upheaval you'll still be experiencing as well as the tiredness you probably have, it's no wonder you got upset.

Don't be too hard on her, she has apologised and said she's not ashamed of you (and she would have no reason to be) but also don't be too hard on yourself.

Go and have a or a :)

AgentZigzag · 10/03/2011 21:37

Just going on what you've written, she looked to be trying to turn around the responsibility for her behaviour onto you.

It's good that you wouldn't accept it.

But then I was brought up to be 'the grey man' in public, no emotion, no perceived embarrassment, don't draw attention to yourself.

So taking out the fact that her comment involved BF, I can kind of understand how she feels if it's mortifying for her to think people are judging her in public.

Has something upset her recently to make her go back to how she was.

manticlimactic · 10/03/2011 21:37

No, you're not BU at all!

Well done for saying "My period didnt make you dismiss my feelings like that"...

Must remember that one.

MosEisley · 10/03/2011 21:41

What mummyosaurus said. You need support right now, not criticism.

BTW, my babies never latched on well when they were out and about. Costa is a hard place to breastfeed - uncomfy chairs, trying to be modest-ish, baby distracted by the noise etc. Today I bf in the car before meeting my friend at the cafe precisely because I knew I'd have this problem.

Sorry, I digress. YANBU - she is.

Flisspaps · 10/03/2011 21:45

BTW - at your comment back to your mum!

Onetoomanycornettos · 10/03/2011 21:49

I didn't get if your mum was saying don't breastfeed in public, or don't make a fuss in public. If it's breastfeeding, then you are entirely in the right, of course you should feed your child when you like how you like. However, the question is why it has upset you so much, and I guess as you say, it just reminded you of a bad past. If she is trying hard to repair things, and is trying to make things up to you, I would try to be receptive to that (once you have stated your case she was out of order) unless of course you don't want to have a relationship with her. But tactless remarks and self-consciousness do seem to be the norm around breastfeeding in the UK, sadly.

Original poster

thefruitwhisperer · 10/03/2011 21:50

What made it all the more out of the blue was that all day she had been saying, dont worry if the baby cries in public, fuck what other people think!

Shes just one of those people who has everything worse than everyone else. When we were staying with her having our bathroom done, she shouted at me because I had constipation what was hurting my stitches. She had a cold and no one is ever in more pain than she is, no one is ever more tired than she is etc

This one just really got to me because I was stressed with the feeding.

OP posts:

IreneHeron · 10/03/2011 21:52

You are so not being unreasonable. And I wish I could have come out with such a choice retort when I was feeling like a wet rag when breast feeding [applause].
I am in awe of you for that one.

Breastfeeding can be the most beautiful and wonderful thing in the world, but it can also be one of the hardest. For me it was by far the most difficult thing I've ever done. Don't feel bad about giving the bottle. I did sometimes when I was out and about. It helped me no end, I still breastfed him though for 14 months.

At least you got your mum to apologise. It really isn't the kind of thing you want to have to deal with when you're worn out with a new baby.

mmsmum · 10/03/2011 21:53

Telling you not to be stupid sounds like she was trying be nice, ok she could have said it better but I've done it before and told DD she was being stupid about something, I meant well but it was the wrong thing to say.

But saying 'not in public' I don't understand at all

Original poster

thefruitwhisperer · 10/03/2011 21:53

And I wasnt making a fuss at all, we were having a conversation and there was just one other woman in the whole shop

OP posts:

BluddyMoFo · 10/03/2011 21:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MosEisley · 10/03/2011 22:00

Your mum's behaviour sounds a bit narcisistic. Google 'daughters of narcisistic mothers'. There is a forum that might interest you.

Bringonthegoat · 10/03/2011 22:11

I have very similar isues with my Dad. Similar comments and attitude. Counselling is helping me a great deal and, in turn, helping my relationship with Dad. One thing that sticks with me is when counsellor said that as my Dad is emotionally immature (as your mum sounds) he cannot be a mature parent. He does his best, gives the support he can and is apologetic when he gets it wrong. That's more than some others get and I am learning to appreciate what he does do rather than mourning what he can't.

Original poster

thefruitwhisperer · 10/03/2011 22:18

Thank you all, I do feel better about it now. DP is always very understanding as hes seen her first hand (I feel like he rescued me actually)

That day when I had the stitches problem I asked her if there was any medicine in the house and she said I was being a drama queen and that if I took any medicine I would have to give up BF (untrue). She then shouted at me for not eating the lunch she'd made.

You are right about the maturity level. For so long Ive felt like Saffy from Ab Fab. I only ever speak to her rationally even in an arguement, so that I can be sure Ive not done anything to aggravate her but acting aggressively.

Thank you all again, Im crying now thinking how better I will try and be for my boy. x

OP posts:

Original poster

thefruitwhisperer · 10/03/2011 22:19

*by not but

OP posts:

littlebylittle · 10/03/2011 22:37

Yanbu. By the way, I've always had difficult relationship with my mum, but after dd was here it was all loads worse. Really brought into sharp focus what she was like and her expectation that she'd somehow suddenly be the one I wanted to confide in and to help with dd made it all very intense and awkward. And the worst time I ever had with her was with dd trying to feed in a coffee shop. Public, Trying hard to feed with double audience and feeling as if had two babies to look after. You don't owe it to your mum to spend loads of time with her if it makes your life as a new mum even more challenging. Be kind to yourself.

smokingnuns · 10/03/2011 23:14

I could never say you were BU because it upset you when you were feeling vulnerable. But... "she apologised... She spent the whole journey home saying she wasnt ashamed of me" - that sounds like someone who is seriously trying to get it right, maybe also trying to reign in old habits that peep out sometimes. Maybe the old habits really hurt you - not surprising - and that a reappearance of them throws you into a spin. She may not be perfect but she's trying which, frankly, is a lot better than some people get. Dare I say forgive her for the past? I'm not saying that forgiveness is easy but it's something to work towards. She's a human being who got a lot wrong, but it sounds like she's aware of that and trying to turn things around, which takes courage.

GotArt · 10/03/2011 23:33

YANBU... but I don't agree that she is trying to get it right. My mother is exactly like this and it is an empty apology, especially when she says 'she isn't ashamed' instead of saying something reassuring like 'I'm sorry I snapped at you. I am very proud of you.' I would just stay clear of topics that get her in a tizzy and make you feel the way she did.

GotArt · 10/03/2011 23:36

And your LO isn't rejecting you darling, some babies just don't BF, (others never want to stop) or have problems managing, but its not you by any means and at least he takes a bottle so he is getting nourishment. Relax and snuggle up to him, whether he's BF of BtF.

GotArt · 10/03/2011 23:36

or, not of.

Granny23 · 11/03/2011 00:02

Am I right in assuming that your mother did not breastfeed you when you were a baby? Almost certainly she would not have fed you in public, in a coffee shop. I did feed my DD's (1970 & 1973). My mother was totally unsupportive and called me a 'hippy'. However I only breast fed at home with family & friends, never in public, not even at Mother and Baby group!

Now as a granny with 3 grandchildren who were breast fed anywhere and everywhere - eldest DD seemed to want to set the world record for number of unusual places to feed a baby - I have to say I am very proud of my DDs. I also have to admit to being a bit uncomfortable at times as baby slurped and burped away, whilst Granpal 23 tried to continue conversing, whilst pretending that nothing untoward was happening.

For mothers who FF their babies through choice in the 70's and 80's when that was the norm, it is difficult to hear and accept all the positive reasons why their daughters are choosing to BF. Every good reason and all the, often painful, effort that goes into establishing breastfeeding must seem like a critiscism of their own choice to opt for bottles from birth. A choice that they cannot change now and may attempt to justify by rehashing all the old arguments such as better nutrition, more hygenic, can do it anywhere, other family members can help with feeding, which were instilled in them by the baby milk companies anxious to sell their expensive products to mothers who only wanted the 'best for their babies'.

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