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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect more in return for caring for all of the needs of all of my family all of the time?

89 replies

Somethingwicked · 10/03/2011 19:20

or is this just the lot of a woman and I should learn to put up with what I get?

I obviously do everything for my three DCs (all under 4) who I look after full time.
I also do all the cleaning, washing, ironing, cooking, shopping, entertaining, weekend and holiday planning, finances, car maintenance, DIY, gardening, bin emptying, present buying, card sending, spontaneous romantic occurrences etc. for my DH too.

I really enjoy doing all of this and feel almost genetically programmed to care for everyone. But periodically I feel fed up at how little my DH puts into family life.

This is what he does:

Help clear up after meals, often help with bedtime (he works from home), go along with what I suggest/provide good naturedly, tolerate my female mood swings, spend time with me in the evenings, encourage me to go out more (I never do), invite his extended family over for the weekend (but not do any of the attendant housework/cooking that this involves).

That sounds like a lot when I write it down, and really he is very fantastic in many many ways, but I often pine for (and ask for, but never get)..

-something romantic (anything!)
-an offer to cook a meal (he can cook, but not as well as me, or at least he used to be able to a decade ago).
-an offer to put the children to bed on his own after he has been away for a few days (frequently away).
-a suggestion (or even better a plan) of something to do at the weekend other than invite friends to stay.

  • a contribution to the home (anything!- a cushion, a plant, the putting up of a shelf, a tea cup....)
  • any sort of thanks either spoken, written, or by way of a present (I'm thinking flowers not diamonds) to show appreciation for the mountains of food/laundry etc that he receives from me.

Am I actually a spoilt person who isn't getting her way or a put upon woman who is being taken advantage of, or just the same as everyone else? I really don't know.

OP posts:
mmsmum · 10/03/2011 19:23

I do everything because I am a single Mum ,I would love love to work outside the home but am really struggling to find work. Despite all I do and despite the fact I do not claim benefits I get no respect at all, it's the opposite, I am treated like scum because I 'do not work', the presumption of a SAHM Mum is someone who sits about drinking tea, eating biscuits and watching daydream tv all day

BeerTricksPotter · 10/03/2011 19:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsscoob · 10/03/2011 19:38

He does more than my man does Hmm but no YANBU

pointydog · 10/03/2011 19:41

Have you said some of this to him?

NettoSuperstar · 10/03/2011 19:47

Talk to him!

It sounds like you have fallen into this, and you want a change.
That's fine, but he's no mind reader.

Lara2 · 10/03/2011 19:51

Sounds like my DH! He sometimes clears up after dinner (which I have planned, shopped for, and cooked - I work full time), and empties the rubbish once a week and puts the bins out. I've learned after 21 years not to rely on him and to sort things out myself. It doesn't mean I put up with it without a murmur. It would be so nice sometimes to have a cup of tea waiting for me when I get back from walking the dogs in the mornings.........

Original poster
Somethingwicked · 10/03/2011 19:54

I will go back to work when my children are all at preschool (only one is at the moment) but as I have 1 yr old twins, and the older only has 15 hrs a week covered, I would make a loss working at the moment. I will work more full time when they are all at school in 2 1/2 years, but even then I will be the one who collects/picks up/does holidays etc I should think as DH can't really handle the 'humiliation' of being a dad who does day to day provision (not his words, just my feeling really).

My DH is, and always will be, a writer, who makes next to no money at the moment. He is one of these people who has to follow his heart or go mad with boredom. He may make loads of money in the future, but equally he may make none, so we are just scraping by at the moment. I feel that I will have to be the main breadwinner when I can work, and though I am a trained teacher, I will prob start my own business and just try to make a decent amount of money so that we can eventually afford to buy a house, pay for university in 17 year's time, retire etc. My DH is also a spender not a saver, so I just feel that I have to provide the financial stability.

On the other hand, he feels HE ought to be providing the stability, but just can't do anything other than write, and can't quite believe that he isn't earning a fortune. He gets very stressed about our money situation at the moment, as he is the sole earner (though in reality we are mainly living on tax credits). I feel he is only thinking about the short term, and am not that stressed about money, as I know I can make proper money if I need to (if I was being really mean, I would say that I can work hard, unlike him!).

We have talked about it a few times, and I feel that no matter how hard I try to be considerate, I just can't get him to hear my point of view before his ego gets dented and the whole thing deteriorates....he might well see it a different way though!

OP posts:
littlebylittle · 10/03/2011 19:54

Yanbu, but need to be aware that he may be feeling a bit deskilled and need specific requests and a general chat about how you feel. Also if you give the impression that you live doing what you do or at least are happy with the status quo, he may not realise you want change. My dh used to do loads more than me and we needed a good chat for me to realise that I wasn't pulling my weight and that he wasn't happy. Wish I'd just noticed and done more, but I didn't and now things are much more even.

justcarrots29 · 10/03/2011 19:54

Are we all married to the same man???

I am absolutely sick of it. I speak to him and he is 'good' for a few days and then back to thoughtless laziness. Anything for an easy life, that is the problem. I am just about at the end of my tether about it...in fact I feel a post coming on...

mmsmum · 10/03/2011 19:59

Your DH works from home writing, AIBU to suggest you go to work outside the home and he provides childcare? He can write when you are home. I'd stick with teaching tbh, you can't get a better job for kids holidays than teaching.

Grumpla · 10/03/2011 19:59

YANBU

But nobody is psychic...

The fact that he encourages you to go out in the evening but you never do is a promising start, but it does also indicate that both of you perhaps need to change your behaviour a bit.

Sometimes it can be quite difficult to give up control especially if you are used to doing everything in a particular way.

Why not start with working out (with him) a 'routine' for when he comes home after being away. This is more or less what me and my DH do (we work different days so swap roles)

e.g. Worker gets five / ten / fifteen minutes to get changed and draw breath after falling through the front door (the longer they have been away, the less time they have, as the more desperate the person at home is to hand over control!)

You cook dinner on your own whilst drinking a glass of wine whilst worker re-connects with the kids in another room OR worker cooks with the kids helping / watching and you lie on the sofa in another room with a glass of wine.

You all have dinner together (if possible / practical) OR worker feeds the kids whilst you run bath / tidy away toys.

You clear up dinner (as much as poss) whilst worker deals with bath / story / bed

If you didn't eat together, you and worker now eat your dinner and finish clearing up together.

You then either do something nice together at home, OR you go out. Slumping in front of different computers / tellies doesn't count as together, watching a good film and snuggling does.

This sort of plan gives you some much needed time to wind down, without expecting the knackered worker to do everything.

Original poster
Somethingwicked · 10/03/2011 20:03

I love doing what I do, so for example, thinking hard about what foods he loves and making meals that he really enjoys, bringing him breakfast at the weekend, buying/giving him little things etc... I just sometimes would like similar in return. I have really spelled out everything I said in my original post lots of times to him, it just never sinks in. I have never written it down but I am considering it, if the mumsnet jury deems it appropriate that is.

For example, I have asked him directly (not hinted darkly in a passive aggressive way) many many times to put his own clothes away when I have folded them in our room, and to bring the bin round to the front of the house the evening before bin day, but he just can't be bothered- he is quite happy to pull clothes out of the pile on the chair if I'm not going to put them away, so I end up doing it anyway. And he can't be bothered with the whole bin palaver, so if I leave it to him he just leaves it out the front (an eyesore, nobody else does it, I hate it) all week to save on the hassle.

This is a familiar scenario I am starting to see from your posts!

OP posts:
Hassled · 10/03/2011 20:06

You're not being unreasonable at all - you're asking for respect and appreciation and validiation, which are reasonable requests. I think so many of us have been where you are - the relentlessness of it all, and the fact that no-one just says "thank you" without a bit of foot-stamping first.

He sounds like a basically nice guy with some inherant laziness and the in-built ability to take things for granted. So fairly standard :o. You need to talk to him - not in a nagging, you're making me feel shit way, but in a "when you fail to do Y you make me feel X", constructive sort of way.

I'm worried about the whole writing thing though. Does he have any talent, do you think? Is this sustainable long term or are you just going to end up bitter and resentful?

Original poster
Somethingwicked · 10/03/2011 20:16

He is very talented. And very good at putting himself out there. He is actually quite successful but not in a way that is making any money... I don't want to go into detail for fear that I out him!

I obviously want him to be happy in his job, but from a selfish point of view I do think that if he does a job he hates to support the family he will be so unhappy that he might feel like leaving us.

OP posts:
Firawla · 10/03/2011 20:19

no yanbu, i get how you feel as my dh is similar. all you can do is keep telling him and hopefully one day it will sink in (i am still trying that myself)

Xenia · 10/03/2011 20:31

he sounds like a total waste of space. I thought you were going to end with but he earns £200k a year. Instead he messes around at home pretending to write and makes no money and is a sexist pig leaving everything to you. get back to full time work even at a loss and make him do more than 50% of everything to do with the chidlren.

blackeyedsusan · 10/03/2011 20:31

my dh thought that bins only had to go out on bin night no matter how full/smelly they were.

perhaps if you didn't wash his clothes in the first place then you wouldn't have to put up with them on the chair.

I would't cook for his rellies either, just ask him what he was planning to do and let him organise it. if it all comes unstuck, well maaybe he will do better next time. (or the rellies will come less often nd you hve more time together Grin

pointydog · 10/03/2011 20:34

He sound slike hard work.A big lump of a husband as well as three small kids. Cauchemar.

Quattrocento · 10/03/2011 20:35

You're utterly bonkers, OP

I hope this is just a grump, and that normally you are happy putting everyone else's needs first ALL THE TIME. This self-sacrificial thing you've got going on, where does it come from? Catholic childhood?

Onetoomanycornettos · 10/03/2011 20:43

There sounds like two things going on here.

  1. You feel unappreciated, which anyone, working outside or in the home can feel. Everyone wants to feel their partner notices their hard work and appreciates it, my husband does, I do, so I would tell him this directly and write down some of the ways he could show that appreciation.
  1. Much much deeper, there is a massive power inbalance here, where he gets to play doing what he likes, and you don't (unless as Quattrocentro says, you love picking up and housekeeping for someone making no money). If you are not careful, you will go back to work and still be doing all the running about and cleaning and cooking and childcare. What's stopping him doing any of this if if he is at home and can work flexible hours? I would take drastic action, a nice weekend away for you and leave him to it. He needs to start hands on daily care for his children whether or not he is the supposed breadwinner.
Original poster
Somethingwicked · 10/03/2011 21:11

oh dear..

I didn't think he would come across that badly.

I don't think I am mad but I may well be, not a catholic at all, actually, agnostic upbringing, nothing too weird going on.

I think I may resent the fact that I was 'nannied' as a child whilst my mum worked, and want to be the perfect housewife character as a rebellion from that. I was a feminist back in my degree days believe it or not!

Also, I think I fear that if DH doesn't enjoy family life he will follow in the footsteps of his dad and bugger off leaving a family of very young children (his dad left whilst his mum was in the hospital giving birth to her third child). He is very like his dad but not a dishonest philanderer (major difference).

OP posts:
Quattrocento · 10/03/2011 21:13

Do you think this relationship-insecurity is healthy for you?

Why not just go back to work and get him to do the childcare? He doesn't sound as though he's terribly good at earning. He can do some writing in the evenings and they'll be at school in the blink of an eye

MosEisley · 10/03/2011 21:33

Your DH sounds like a bit of a waste of space - he doesn't support his family much financially or in any other way.

Personally I wouldn't put up with that situation like you are doing.

I think you have to get past your own hang ups (I have learnt the hard way that there is no such thing as the perfect housewife) and then make some changes in your life. He gets away with prioritising himself and his own ambitions partly because you allow this.

Why not start by taking him up on his offer of going out... before bedtime, so he has to put the kids to bed on his own.

You don't need to start a revolution, just gradually begin to take some time back for yourself.

blueshoes · 10/03/2011 21:43

Agree with Xenia and Quattro.

You need to take back the balance of power and go back to work at least part time, leave your dh with the children and get yourself some marketable skills and cash in the bank for the day when you will be better off without him.

sunnydelight · 10/03/2011 21:48

So you are spending your life facilitating him following his dream. I loathe "creative types" personally as so many of them seem to think that they are far too special to do the boring shit like cooking and cleaning but it's ok for other people to do it for them.

You need to talk to your DH and tell him that you are not happy. Discuss the scenario where you go back to work part time while HE (not paid childcare) sorts the kids. He needs to know that his cushy number - and boy does he have one - will not last forever.