to tell my two year old about the 'bad man'

[sleepyhappymummy]

I need some advice..... I have a two year old and twin 2 month old babies. My toddler is similar to most (I guess) in that he frequently runs off, and sees this as a game, very enjoyable as whoever is with him runs to catch him. Unfortunately with the babies (and while I was pregnant with them) its not really possible to do this as he really runs at full pelt off and can get quite far in a really short time.

I am really anxious about this, partly because Im worried he'll hurt himself, but partly because he could easily get out of sight and could be lost. Also, it means leaving the babies in the buggy behind while I chase after him, and someone could equally just walk off with them!

I have tried everything you can think of, praising him when he doesnt run off, explaining to him that mummy cant run after him, rewarding him for not running off, telling him off.

I mostly take him to places where it is enclosed and he cant run off, and today we went out to a soft play, where there is also a really big cafe on another level. He ran off a few times while we were having lunch, and so eventually I ended up saying to him that if he ran off, a 'bad man' might take him away. He seemed to take this in, and didnt run off again.

BUT Im worried this is not a good idea - I dont want him to be frightened, I want him to have a fear free childhood, and running around is part of that, but the reality is I also need to keep him (and the twins!) safe!

What do people think? Have I done the wrong thing, and any other ideas about how I can sort out this behaviour? Its exhausting for another thing, and could do without having to run after a energetic two year old after being up with two babies all night!

Thanks

Reins.

No reins - he's not a dog and is at the age where he should be given slightly more responsibility, not less.

When you say you've told him off - have you given him the full scale, nuclear meltdown mother of all rollickings? A full on, in his face humdinger of a shouty telling off? I suspect not.

He needs to know in no uncertain terms that you simply won't tolerate it at all, and if it makes him cry - good, the harder the better. He needs to know that mummy will unleash hell if he ever does it again.

Regular nuclear options will of course rpaidly diminish in effectiveness, but chosen carefully and rarely, will work wonders.

I didn't use reins for DD1 BristolJim because I thought it'd be easier in the long run to teach her to hold my hand.

But DD1 wasn't a runner, and from what I can gather on here it's the luck of the draw whether your DC is one or not.

You sound a bit harsh in your advice, the mother of all rollickings? In his face humdinger of a shouty telling off? Make him cry?

He's three bless him.

I've done my fair share of shouting, and I understand the 'give them a shock and they'll not do it again' (like to stop them touching the oven) but the OPs babies would have to hear the almighty row you're saying she should make, and they've done nothing wrong.

There are better options IMO.

"full scale, nuclear meltdown mother of all rollickings? A full on, in his face humdinger of a shouty telling off"

reins.

He's 2.

Reins.

Can someone else say REINS, I'm not sure OP heard. But please don't assume reins work for all children at all. You could easily have a child that if you put them will either lay on the ground screaming until you take them off or wind himself around you, a lamppost or a passerby until you take them off.
This is why I hardly left the house for 6 months. It's just not that simple.

I'd rather have my kid on reins and SAFE than running into the road because while I was giving them the mother of all rollockings they ran off.

He is 2. He is still just a baby himself. He will not remember to keep himself safe and he can't risk assess. He won't bear the 'bad man' in mind even if you decide to drum that into him. He will run around if you don't physically stop him.

You can use the reins and you can get things that actually attach the two of you if you are fearing you can't hold on to the reins all the time.

You can't let him run around where it is not safe (or appropriate) to do so.

I know - sort of - what it's like. There's 15 months between my two. so I had a newborn to carry / push round and a 15 month old to keep hold of.

It requires a good grip, certainly

A two-year old may get scared by your shouting on that occasion, and stay by you, but simply don't have the reasoning or memory to apply this in the future. Are you going to stand and shout every time?! Bristol-Jim's idea is so daft and doesn't understand children's developmental stage, it's untrue. Even rewards are short-lived in their effect at aged two.

You just have to find a way to prevent them running off, I think the sling, then buggy with buggyboard is a good idea. You can always swop who needs to go into the sling, or even into the double-buggy if you prefer that option.

I think expecting a two year old to walk everywhere and stay by the mum's side is probably overly optimistic. At this age, most are either in buggies or on reins. If you have a sprinter (I had one, the other not), then just go for physical restraint, even in a cafe. Once they are a tiny bit older (three plus) you can get them to hold the buggy nicely whilst you walk along, with the back-up/threat of reins if they let go.

Wow, I'd like to second all those who are impressed by you getting out and about with three two and under. I'm very impressed!

"please don't assume reins work for all children at all. You could easily have a child that if you put them will either lay on the ground screaming until you take them off or wind himself around you, a lamppost or a passerby until you take them off. "

Yeah. I know what you mean. my eldest often kicked up a huge fuss. I didn't care I got good at using the reins to prevent him from being able to lay down etc. In the end he learned that he could do it the hard way or the easy way, but in either case it was my way! [evil]

Every time we do a reins talk on here, it fair takes me back

2 is too young to be given the responsibility of not running away, getting lost, or falling under a hot drink or the wheels of a car. I agree with using reins for now. It won't be forever.

IMHO having a baby and toddler (mine was 3 at the time), you can't trust them not to run off until nearer 3.5 or even now she is almost 4 she still thinks it's funny to run off occasionally with her friend or to play 'hiding' in the supermarket (little devil monkey)

Personally the best thing that worked for mine was to big up the "let's see if you can walk like a big boy, wow you're walking just like a big boy" etc etc. He really clicked onto wanting to be seen as "the big boy" and his brother the baby. Felt abit of a loon sometimes going on about big boys but it really worked, fingers crossed for you!

"No reins - he's not a dog and is at the age where he should be given slightly more responsibility, not less." responsibility? at two? okaaaay

Op - when my ds was little I used to put reins on him then attach one of those wrist straps to the handle and then round my wrist so that he did have a little bit of space to run (as the reins really are quite restrictive), but he was made to hold my hand and the reins were a back-up really in case he did decide to run iyswim. I was fortunate, he wasn't a runner, but I put the measures in place before we ever reached the might-do-a-runner stage as I just couldn't take that chance.

I am blind and having a child that could randomly run off was simply not an option.

So put the reins on him, attach a wrist strap to the reins (not to the child) and then attach it to either yourself or your buggy. Then make holding on to the buggy mandatory with consequences for trying to run, and rewards for walking nicely. (bag of chocolate buttons "oh, we've walked to the end of the road," (chocolate button), until he gets the idea.

If he tantrums over reins then just time him out - face him away from you and hold him for two minutes).

Some of the reins you can buy can also be used like highchair straps, so you might want to consider that if going into a restaurant - get a travel booster (they're quite small and should fit under your buggy) then just strap him in in the cafe and you won't look as if you're physically restraining him but more as if he is sitting in a booster as most two year olds would.

Forgot to add he was just 2 at the time, used reins near main roads.

reins

Must not have been as stubborn as mine, Hecate, I persevered for months and he never ever gave in to reins or a wrist strap. He's the stubbornest child I ever met, he will hold his stance no matter what.

I do love the whole 'children are not dogs' argument.

No. Children are not dogs. They are much more important. A dog is kept on a lead because it lacks the ability to risk assess and to be responsible for its own safety.

A small child - a toddler - lacks the ability to risk assess and to be responsible for his or her own safety.

So you physically ensure the safety of the dog but you choose to grab hold of the child or yell at them to get them to come back.

If it wasn't so sad, it would be funny.

I have never understood equating reins with dog leads............ do people not use cots because they look slightly like a prison cell with bars? No, because it keeps them safe.

Sorry x posted with Hecate!

autism = bloody stubborn indeed

I perfected the 'sling him over my shoulder and push the baby's pushchair with my belly' technique. In the end he decided walking was easier for him

But every child is different. I'm more reminiscing than anything.

I think you need supernanny

or reins

or to put him in the pushchair and one of the babies in a sling

He is young and doesn't understand danger. So you simply shouldn't allow him the opportunity to run away until he does! Whether its in a park or by a road, in the soft play area or a coffee shop, children should be within a reasonable grabbing distance and not see running away as a 'game'.

If you could, perhaps you could start teaching him the rules, by going somewhere safe for him to run and showing him if he does as hes told he can walk freely but if he doesn't then he has to wear reins or go in buggy?

"Ok DS, you run ahead but you must wait for mummy at the bench"

or "Ds you can walk ahead, but when mummy shouts 'stop' you must stop straight away!"

If he does as hes told he gains trust and can walk freely more often.
If he doesn't you keep putting reins on him until he cottons on!

Same in cafe, if he won't sit on a chair and wants to keep running around he should be in a buggy for his own safety and your sanity!

"Ds if you are a big boy you can sit nicely at the table, but if you keep running around I will put you in the buggy!"
If he doesn't like being strapped in then he needs to learn that he should sit still.

I tell my twins that if they run away, they might get lost and Mummy won't be able to find them - that seems to scare them sufficiently without introducing the "bad man" idea (which never sat right with me either). And I did use reins when they were 2 - only way to do it IMO as they used to run in opposite directions and force me to decide which one I liked the best that day!

I would try - I want you to walk next to mummy, holding on to the pushchair all the time. Say this as soon as you go anywhere. Big praise and smiles and cheers if he does it, even if only for a second. Stop and hold his hand for a minute and say 'we have to stop because you let go of the pushchair' After a minute, start again and stop every time he lets go of the pushchair. Took DS about 2 hours to realise I meant it.

So, be very exciting and happy when he does it right. Be very boring and still when he gets it wrong.

I wouldnt recommend the shouty, nuclear thing. My DC all find it hilarious, have only tried it twice and both times they were all in hysterics.

Oh, and sorry if you already are, but ask for help. Then ask again, then ask again, then keep asking. Anyone who you think will be useful. This is a difficult it for you, it will get easier but if you can have help then do.

OP you need three hands. Or even four.

I think most of us would struggle with newborn twins and a toddler.

I would be buying a different double buggy that could take a buggy board, sorry, sure you didn't want to hear that. Which double have you got? Just wondered if anyone would know if a buggy board would fit or not.

A little booster seat to slip under the pram and use in cafes is a good idea, he is then restrained but it won't feel as babyish to him as a highchair.

I also bought this for one of mine who was a runner
www.littletrekkers.co.uk/shop/index.php/flypage/12835

My eldest was about the same age as maddie when she was taken and as he had overheard people taking etc he asked me what had happened, I did end up explaining briefly to him, so he does know all about not running off because naughty people might take him, I don't think it's neccesarily an awful thing to explain why he shouldn't run off, although obviously not so detailed that he has nightmares.