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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think he is unreasonable?!

23 replies

Rillyrillygoodlooking · 10/03/2011 11:28

yesterday my DH said, "I knew if I stopped going on about the cleaning, you would stop doing it". This was at 10pm and was in reference to two plates, and two saucepans in the sink that hadn't been washed up yet.

When he got home the kids were ready for bed, the living room tidied and hoovered and the kitchen completely tidy and clean from their dinner.

I then cooked our dinner and we ate it at about 8.30 after the DCs had gone to bed. We then both lolled on the sofa. Until DH went to get a drink and saw the "mess" that was in the kitchen.

He says things like this a lot. This is based on 11 years worth of arguing about the cleaning. I admit I am not great, but since having DCs I have changed so much. But still he bases his actions and statements on what I used to be like.

When he says things like that I really hate him.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 10/03/2011 11:29

I'd tell him to shove it up his arse to be honest.

BootyMum · 10/03/2011 11:31

Why didn't he do the effing two plates and two saucepans if he is so worried about it Hmm

That's what I would say to my DH, after I'd emptied his drink on his head.

thenightsky · 10/03/2011 11:33

If I cook DH's dinner, he always does the cleaning up that is left at the end. Unthinkable that yours expects you to do both TBH.

Rillyrillygoodlooking · 10/03/2011 11:34

to be fair to him Hmm he was washing them up as he said it.

Because we have arguments that start like this so often, I just start crying now as I don't know how else to react.

OP posts:
manicbmc · 10/03/2011 11:34

If he thinks it's a mess then he should get off his bum and wash up.

Rillyrillygoodlooking · 10/03/2011 11:35

thenightsky for a long time his attitude was, as I had cooked, I had therefore made the mess so I should clean it up.

OP posts:
QuelleLeJeff · 10/03/2011 11:35

He's got a point, you lazy arse.

Nah, not really, he sounds like a bit of a prick.

diddl · 10/03/2011 11:37

"thenightsky for a long time his attitude was, as I had cooked, I had therefore made the mess so I should clean it up."Shock

Unless he wasn´t eating any of it, of course!

manicbmc · 10/03/2011 11:37

So he was washing up in a 'I am doing your job' kind of way.

My ex h used to do this. The whole passive aggressive crap about what had I been doing all day as when he got in there might be dishes to put away or the kids might have toys out. He is my ex for plenty of very good reasons.

What kind of man wants to make their partner upset with thoughtless comments? Hmm

Bogeyface · 10/03/2011 11:38

Tell him if it a housekeeper he wants, someone who he can boss around and give a bollocking to when things arent up to standard, then he can place a reasonably priced ad in The Lady. It should only cost him around £30,000 a year plus board.

If he wants a wife, a life partner, someone to be a family with, then to shut the fuck up and stop treating you like the hired help.

I would be FUUUUMING if my DH spoke to me like that.

How about coming back with "I knew that if I didnt ask you to stop being a wanker you would soon start doing it"

eaglewings · 10/03/2011 11:40

I'd be so tempted not to do any tidying, cleaning, washing up etc today so that when he comes home he will see the difference.

MooMooFarm · 10/03/2011 11:44

YANBU. Tell him exactly what you said to us - that when he says things like that to you, you feel like you hate him.

Then he can have a think about if he wants to make his wife feel like that about him.

hairylights · 10/03/2011 11:45

did you tell him to fucking well do it him fucking self? If not, why fucking not Grin

Desperateforthinnerthighs · 10/03/2011 11:47

I am surprised he didnt end up wearing the dinner!!

Ever watch the old re-runs of wife swap?? There are so many men obsessed with cleaning...I honestly think they must have something wrong with them Hmm

Cheeky sod!!

manicbmc · 10/03/2011 11:48

Tbh he sounds like a control freak to me. Seriously, it upsets you so much that he has you in tears and he thinks this is an acceptable way to treat you?

Rillyrillygoodlooking · 10/03/2011 11:48

He does do housework as well, but often it will be used in future "discussions" about the housework.

e.g. DH will point out how he managed to do four loads of washing on a saturday morning, so why have I let the washing basket get full again so quickly?

I have pointed out to him that everything takes longer with 2 small children in tow, which he agrees with, but says that it still has to be done, come what may.

Everything I say in response comes out as sounding like an excuse as to why I haven't done something or other. So I often end up sounding like a stroppy teenager and have often told him to "Fck off, you Cnt". the shame.

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 10/03/2011 11:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

manicbmc · 10/03/2011 11:53

Yes, it still needs to be done. But if it isn't done immediately, the world will not end.

The comments I used to get, from ex and his mother (who we unfortunately had to live with) used to make me feel like you. I had twins to deal with but their care paled into insignificance if there was washing/ironing/tidying to do.

You are not making excuses, you are stating a fact - it takes a lot longer to do anything with little ones to look after as well.

Bogeyface · 10/03/2011 11:54

Email him this. Its an old one but it makes a very good point!!

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his family's house: Their four children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house.

Proceeding into the entry he found an even bigger mess: A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work you ask me what in the world I did today?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 10/03/2011 11:57

You need to stop justifying yourself. When he moans about some housework 'crime' just say 'Yes, dear' and then ignore him. He can only argue with you if you play your part, iyswim. Give him fuck all response wise. Perhaps raise an eyebrow and sigh. Two can play at the passive/aggressive game. Or, start nit picking about the way he leaves his shoes by the door, doesn't hang up towels etc etc. Because as Jeff so elegantly put it, he's being a prick.

QuelleLeJeff · 10/03/2011 11:59

I agree with Chickens (especially the last sentence, where she agreed with me and said I was totally brilliant) and was just about to say something similar, I just would stop engaging with him about any of it to be honest.

diddl · 10/03/2011 12:03

"I have pointed out to him that everything takes longer with 2 small children in tow, which he agrees with, but says that it still has to be done, come what may"

Well, if it bothers him that much, he should do it himself.

Bogeyface · 10/03/2011 12:04

i take my posts back.

Do what Chickens said and dont engage. He has a go because he knows it gets to you. If you stop reacting then there is no point in him having a go. You cant have an argument on your own!

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