to feel that the media is directly affecting my brothers social growth? (long rant)

[LDNmummy]

I have a 13 year old brother, he is 14 in a couple of months. I have been trying to encourage my mother to let him be a bit more independent and join more after school activities. She will only approve the ones that she can drive him to and pick him up from which are almost none due to her working hours. She will not even let him get the bus by himself except to go straight to and from school, and calls him at specific times to check where he is. It is worse than it sounds and these are just surface issues. She once had a go at him and was upset with him for two days , even calling me to moan about it and have a word with him, because he had walked through the park near her house by himself after school! She also watches him walk to the bus stop whenever she can.

The reason for this is her complete fear of teenagers (and the general world outside of her house) and an idea that if he hangs around with his freinds after school, he will somehow become involved in gangs or become a target of gangs. She has gotten this into her head from watching all the moral panick pieces on teen crime on the news. She is convinced that groups of teenagers hanging out together are aggressive groups or gangs and has thusly isolated my brother from social teen life out of fear.

I am very concerned that this lack of socialization outside of school is stunting my brothers social growth. He lacks social skills and is immature in comparison to his peers. I have negotiated with her to allow him to take the bus every Saturday to come and study with me at my local library but am yet to see if she will actually let it go ahead. Even with the fact that the bus is direct and I will meet him at the other side of his journey.

She is in her 50's and not in touch with what teenagers are really like so is convinced that what she sees on the news is the reality of teenage life. I feel like the media are really damaging and actually can have a serious effect on many people's lives. I wish more was done to regulate this situation to avoid this problem and I know my mother is not the only parent of a teenager who is this protective, I know some who are even a litle worse and won't let their kids get the bus full stop!

I know it sounds like she is OTT, but she is not alone in this behaviour, I think there was even a documentary about it recently.

I'm just that my brother is missing out so much on his adolescence I suppose and needed a rant.

She does sound overprotective. I think (as mother of DS, 17, and DD, 20,) that it is our duty as parents to give our DC feelings of confidence and independence and not transmit our deepest fears to them. Tell your DM to take a different newspaper and stop watching crime programmes. They seriously twist your thinking with their focus on all the bad things in society.

DS took a bus and a train to school by himself from 11. It made him very independent and savvy about getting around London by himself and with friends.
Your DM needs to get a grip and find examples, and there are plenty, of teens who quite happily go around in groups, safely and independently.

Tough, she will never stop worrying about him, BUT if he is never equipped with the social skills to deal with difficult situations, she will actually be putting him in more danger.
Tough one.

He needs to be able to spend time with friends outside the house, I'm sorry to say this but this is one of the reasons I think people should'nt have children late, because they are old before their time like your mother.

You need to instill some sense into her, he should be out and about and living, not living in her fear.

F**k, I'm in my 50s with a 15 year old, and totally in touch with what he likes.
Your mum may be out of touch but she must be very old fashioned.
I was hitchhiking to Greece at 17 and sleeping on beaches.
Sorry, may be going of the subject but sheesh!

agree with last - it not correlated with age - its correlated with fear. I think this is a bit much unless you are in streatham or somewhere where gang danger is realistic.

even so the stifling effect will not cause too much damage after 18 - stifling parents often generate kids who have a drive to experience and break free so that will equalise out some of the restrictions. He might feel like a freak for a bit, but better to feel like a freak and have a solid base to draw from than feel normal and go off the rails. ..

Thanks for the responses, I see what you mean about the age thing, she is very conservative so that could definitely factor into this more than her age.

I do think he will break away when he hits 16, I'm actually counting down till he can have a bit more freedom. I know some might wonder why it bothers me so much but I worry that (as already said) his lack of "street" knowledge will make him more of a target in the long run. It is upsetting because he has no choice but to sit in front of the TV or PC all day as he has no social life. He lacks confidence in social situations and this has made him a target of bullies in the past because he doesn't know how to be assertive. I don't want him to look back and have missed out so much.

Anyway, will be trying to gradually make her see that there isnt as much danger as she thinks out there but its going to be tough, she is very stubborn. We live in London which makes it a whole lot worse.

I guess I needed to get it off my chest so thanks again guys

Letting go is scary, but it is much safer for the child to do it gradually when you can still exert some level of control then wait until they are big enough to do what they want anyway but they don't know how to look after themselves. My eldest was off to Sydney Mardi Gras at the weekend which didn't exactly fill me with joy as you will always get the morons who go just to cause grief, but I had to make do with "be aware of the prats and stick with your mates" or next time he would just lie about where he was going.

Does your brother have a friend who lives nearby whose family your mum likes/trusts? Maybe they could start doing some things together and lead her gradually out of her comfort zone. If she really won't let him out, is she willing for him to have friends round his house? That way he at least has some social interaction.

Do you live in an area that gives rise to your mums virtual hysteria? I know it can be scary letting go but I left an urban life behind me for a safer rural county town over 30 years ago.

When my first marriage ended I chose to stay in a town where I knew virtually no-one as I wanted the quieter lifestyle for myself and my DC.

I'm not sure you can blame "the media" for this, but having been told repeatedly recently that 13 year olds are little children I wonder if you're right that there has been a cultural shift towards treating teenagers as though they are under house arrest.

LDNM, realize I am not going to be any comfort to you...If your brother is the last child left at home, is this a subconscious way of trying to make sure he doesn't leave? Is he so biddable? Does your mother not realize this may have the opposite effect? On the other hand, he may be a Mummy's boy all his life and create real problems in relationships with girlfriends, partners in the future? When & if the rebellion comes, it may be very sudden and possibly extreme. Would not ever put myself up as an ideal example but am almost 59 (OMG), daughter of 16 is on the pill, going to festivals 200 miles away, parties at the houses of friends whose parents I don't know... She also likes doing stuff with me, too. Other mothers have criticised me but their daughters are on the pill without them knowing...Don't know that you can blame the media, though. Your mother may read/watch/listen to it but could disregard it (which is what most of it deserves IMHO).

'If you love it let it go and it will return to you. If you try to imprison it, it will forever try to break free.'

Sorry, not offering any solution - are there any family members, her friends who could talk to her?

How was your mother with you when you were a teenager? Is there a big gap between you and your brother? If your mum behaved similarly with you, then what strategies did you use to "break free"?

Old before your time at 50 1'm 52

She needs to let him go to learn how to deal with Rl ..my guess is he will rebel big time when he hits 16 anyway

How does your brother feel about this?

Perhaps it's his lack of social skills that makes your mum feel as protective as she does. Was she like this with you?

Perhaps your brother is happy with the situation as it is. If he needs more time to mature perhaps he's not ready to be as independant as you want him to be.

You think he's missing out on his adolescence but you are perhaps looking at it from how you would have felt at his age - he might be fine with the way things are.

Once he's mature enough I doubt anything your mum would do will hold him back. I'd have had to nail some of my teens feet to the floor to hold them back:o

He's 13 - loads of time yet. If he's still the same at 18 then maybe you might have a point.

Sorry to hijack but
fabbychic Seriously??? My mum had me at 40 and is a damn site more "with it" than MIL who had DH at 20.

OP are there any school activities he could do?

YANBU to think it's stunting his growth - but YABU to think the media is to blame. Obviously it is a big factor but your mum needs to, and I mean this nicely, get over it!

You could get her to read 'toxic childhood' by Sue Palmer.

We live in an okay area but DS 15 has been mugged twice. 3 times in the park to and from school by a local boy who has been a well known trouble maker who has been trouble since he was tiny. He didn't take anything but his friend punched ds on one occassion. Thankfully he got moved to south london to live with his dad.

2nd time by 3 boys who took his phone, court case is in april. These boys are coming in from london on the trains doing their crimes then going straight back again. This was 4 in the afternoon with lots of witnesses.

He was once grapped and hit over the head by some strange girls because his friend has been laughing at them on the train. They were on the train the day he got mugged and he got off the train a stop later to avoid them
The media has not necessarily got it wrong it's the way you handle it. We have not stopped DS going out but I am worried if when he is out and prefer it if we can pick him up.

What about something like Scouts or Venture Scouts? They have lots of confidence/character building activities, but sound like the sort of thing your mum would approve of?

bruffin that is horrible! I hope your DS is ok, must have been horrifying for you. My DB has had his phone "jacked" from him on the bus before too and I know how it feels when someone does something like that to a loved one. But before anyone asks, my DM's behaviour has been like this for years and this incident was very recent so not a contributing factor.

I do feel the media is to blame because she didn't have these anxieties or fears before stories of yob culture and teen violence became headline grabbing news. She thinks the majority of crime committed in this country is carried out by teenagers and when I try and reason with her over my DB, she talks about stories on the news and "did you not watch the news" or "did you not hear about...". It makes it difficult to explain to her that it is not the reality of the situation when the media is bombarding her with all this negative news on youth culture.

She is naive about these things because she comes from a country where this kind of media doesn't exist, she doesn't understand the idea of media hype or that the news can be greatly exaggerated. In a very simplistic way, she cannot imagine the idea that the reputable sources of daily news that get noteriety enough to be on TV, could have an agenda, she takes it at face value.

Yes it was different with me growing up because a) we didn't live in London, b) I am a girl so she feels this makes me less of a target, c) I didn't want to mention race at all in this as I don't think it the main issue, but my brother is mixed heritage, I am mixed heritage but white in skin tone. She feels that his being an obviously young African male makes him more of a target, not just from other teens but from racists (one of his freinds was attacked over race last year by a man on public transport).

My brother is definitely not happy and we have talked about it. My only consolation if he breaks away later on is that we are very close and I can keep an eye on him as he talks to me about everything, provided that doesn't change of course.

HeartSkipsABeat thank you for the book advice, I will look into it

It's not "the media" restricting your brother's development, it's his mother.

I would be inclined to use your Saturdays with him for discreet social training - let him off the leash a bit ;).

Does he want to rebel against all these restrictions on him? Is his dad in the picture?

My DS [14] had a close friend at primary school whose mother is very over-protective. The friend isn't allowed to go into town on his own or with friends, to go to the cinema/swimming unaccompanied by his mother, go on sleepovers - or walk/wander home from school with other kids. We don't live in London.

At school he is becoming something of a loner as he's being left behind socially by his primary sch friends. Plus, to try to 'fit in' he tells fantastical tall stories about how he's spent the w/e or holidays And he's seen out & about with his mother [teen-crime!!]

My DS asks if he has 'Special Needs, now' like his friend X who has AS. He realises that his ex-friend gets socially excluded and considered weird but is at a loss how to treat him. Always kind and protective to children with SN.

An extreme case. And very sad.

Perhaps, your brother could take up a martial art - to build his confidence and possibly reassure your mother that he's safe when he's out.