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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel guilty no matter what i decide

20 replies

rmm · 09/03/2011 16:59

I have an amazing dh who is very capable and very good with dds.

My grandmother lives on a different continent and is not well :(
She has to have open heart surgery next week.
There are huge risks involved, becasue of her age and health. But the risks are even worse if she doesnt have the surgery.

I have 2 dd. Both are quite young and whilst dh has said he can cope on his own if i was to go visit my gran, i feel really really guilty leaving dds (it would be atleast a couple of weeks).

I do all the running around and organising their activities etc.DD2 is particularly a mama's girl and i'm not sure how she would cope if i was to disappear for a couple of weeks
I know i can leave detailed lists, and i really want to be ther for my gran i just feel really guilty leaving dh and dds.

Everytime i start to think about it both options leave me in tears.
So what do i do?
I feel IABU whatever decision i make.

OP posts:

activate · 09/03/2011 17:02

they will be fine if you decide to go

no need for lists - that's just trying to control what happens in your absence

you know your partner is very good and capable and loves them

that's all they need

he won't do things the way you would - that doesn't matter

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 09/03/2011 17:03

Go. They'll manage without you, and you need to see your grandmother.

gooseberrybushes · 09/03/2011 17:06

Yes, go, they'll be fine. Trust your husband.

AgentZigzag · 09/03/2011 17:07

Although not under the nicest circumstances, it's perhaps a good time for your DH to connect with his DDs in a practical sence

I'm sure his routine wouldn't turn out to be exactly the same as yours, but he'll find his feet with them and I'm sure they'll survive.

Are you just focusing on how your DH will cope to deflect your attention away from how you'll miss your DDs?

Only you can decide what decision to take, but it sounds like it's setting itself up so you can visit your grandmother?

How old are your DDs?

catchmeifyoucan · 09/03/2011 17:09

Definitely go. The children will be fine and your H will have a chance to care for them his way, without lists because you know what? He IS capable. Go.

inkyfingers · 09/03/2011 17:12

Get friends to help out too, with offers for lifts and taking to activities? What about his parents? They may enjoy the chance to be 'hands-on' for a few days.

It's not end of world if they don't manage all their activities for a few days anyway.

Original poster

rmm · 09/03/2011 17:14

dds are 4 and just turned 2.

I know i will miss them. DD1 is very independant and will cope. I worry endlessly about dd2 who is much more attached to me then dh. But i cannot take her with me and leave dd1 behind.
I also know that dh will make sure that they are ok. He is an amazing dad.

I am a control freak (blush) and an endless worrier.I really really want to go and make sure i see my gran. But i just cant seem to be able to make the decision.

I guess i just want someone else to make the decision for me -which i know is very unreasonable!!

OP posts:

PepsiPopcorn · 09/03/2011 17:17

Go for a few days, not a couple of weeks.

Original poster

rmm · 09/03/2011 17:24

Its not possible to go for just a few days.
I would have loved that.
But from the time she has the surgery and is in ICU and then in HDU its going to be between 5-7 days. She will then be in hospital for a further 7-14 days.
So if i was to go i would stay atleast until she is out of "danger" and that togther with travel time would be at least 2 week.
PIL are happy to help out and infact cant wait to spend more time with GC but their parenting style is very different to mine.
Why cant science invent the ability to be in 2 places at once?!

OP posts:

TobyLerone · 09/03/2011 17:27

Just go. It won't do your children any harm at all. They will be with people who love them.

Make the lists, if it makes you feel better. Just don't say a word if they haven't been followed when you get home. Your husband will be fine.

AgentZigzag · 09/03/2011 17:31

Nothing wrong with joining us being a control freak, at least you see it in yourself.

I wouldn't be keen on leaving my DDs, but it's not as though you're swanning off for a break in the sun!

You've got a valid reason for going, if one were needed.

Are you worried about what other people might think of you leaving them and that's why you need a specific reason in your mind that can't be anything but the right decision?

Original poster

rmm · 09/03/2011 17:38

I really dont care about what people think.

I know that i have some very good friends that i can rely on and i also know that DH will be very good at juggling everything (so long as its just for a while) I have never been away from DDs. Well apart from when i was in hospital with DD2.

I really want to go and i know its going to be very difficult once i get to my gran and not the sort of place where i can take dds. My side of the family tends to be over charged emotionally. I just feel guilty, like i'm dumping everything on dh, and what if dds dont love me the same when i come back? Again very reasonable i know but still..........!!

OP posts:

TobyLerone · 09/03/2011 17:39

You'll regret it if you don't go.

Original poster

rmm · 09/03/2011 17:40

Unreasonable i meant!!

OP posts:

Longtalljosie · 09/03/2011 17:42

Go. They will be fine. Really.

And of course they will love you as much when you come back. Especially if you bring back presents!

My dad went away on business quite a lot when I was little. No real memory of it at all, I just remember him coming back with toys!

SeeJaneKick · 09/03/2011 17:43

You must go. My DHs family all live on another continent and if one of them were ill I would not eve think he should not go.

Of course you must go.

AgentZigzag · 09/03/2011 17:43

My Dad was off at sea for months on end and it didn't affect me

zikes · 09/03/2011 17:46

2 weeks won't affect your relationship with your children and it would mean a lot to your gran. You'll be able to talk to the kids by phone or skype or whatever, but I think if it all goes wrong for your gran, you'd deeply regret not going.

Diamondback · 09/03/2011 17:49

You're stressing and paralysed by anxiety because (a) you have a bit of a tendency to control freakery (as you said yourself) and (b) you're very upset because your gran is ill.

I know myself, when I'm stressed I can't make decisions, I can't think straight and I imagine everything is more complicated and difficult than it is - I'm guessing you're similar?

So go and see your Gran - you'll really regret it if you don't. All your worries about putting to much on your DH or how your DD will cope without you are just procrastination brought on by (understandable) stress and upset.

Hope your Gran is okay and have a safe trip.

NurseSunshine · 09/03/2011 17:57

You will really, really regret if you don't see your gran.

Your dds will miss you but they will be fine. Could you get a webcam and sign up to skype so you could talk to them every day and they could see you on screen? Or even just speak to them on the phone.

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