homophobia on school bus

[whatkatydidathome]

dd (10) gets a school bus full of (10 - 14yr olds). The community served is wealthy with outwardly middle class people but many (sadly most) of them have rather dubious values. So her bus is full of racist and homophobic prats who keep teasing and minorly bullying dd. Today they spent the journey asking her if she was "normal or bent", laughing because she didn't know what they meant and then teasing her when she said that she didn't think that there was anything wrong with men who married men and women who married women. They moved on to arguments where they all said that everyone who came from India was a terrorist. What do I tell her to do? She is completely out of her depth here. I have spoken to the council etc but I'd appriciate advice as to the advice that I give her when it comes to coping with instances of homophobia and racism. I don't want her t become more socially isolated than she already is but she is struggling with the fact that her values are so different to that of the majority. Her social skills are non existant which doesn't make things any better.

You mention your DD's "lack of social skills", being very logical, needing clear guidelines and making comments that seem older than her age. Are these related to any condition at all in your DDs case, such as Aspergers or autism? Many apologies if this isn't relevant though!

She sounds lovely and a completely different sort of person from the bullies on the bus. Is there somewhere else she can make some friends, and build up her confidence in making good relationships with others?

I thought that too Pepsi but couldn't ask as well as you did.

OP is it possible? Or is she just sensitive?

Is she upset about the behaviour? If not, then I wouldn't do anything. Try to work on her social skills and confidence in general. Bullies will always pick on someone different or vulnerable. I would try to encourage her to find one other child on the bus that she could talk to, that she can find something in common with, and try and form some sort of friendship or at least an alliance. Also, make sure she knows what things mean like gay mean and all the other words for it, because the knowledge will give her confidence.

It sounds like your DD has quite a few social issues. Unforuntatly the school bus is a vipers nest :-(

Without you knowing all the kids or seeing the dynamic on the bus it's really hard for you to advise her.

It's really hard to change the behaviour of others, but you can arm your daughter with the knowledge of the things they're talking about (sigh...still so young to learn about homophobia etc). Instill in her YOUR values, but explain that others have different values which you disagree with but can't change. Tell her that older kids know that younger kids don't understand certain things and that's it's really pathetic of them to get their laughs in this way.

It sounds like she just needs to keep her head down and read. If she is being bullied on the bus then I hope the school will take that very seriously.

Why doesn't she have any friends? Having someone on the bus to sit next to and talk to will be an enormous help.

I am always telling my 11 yo to just try and do the right thing. I can't give him specific help sometimes because I'm just not there on the school bus or whatever.

Pepsi we have had her assessd but it is v hard to get a girl diagnosed - I have a report from a pediatrician saying that "dd spent the session walking around in circles whilst giving a monologue" but that she did not display enough repetative behaviour to be considered to have aspergers. She was assessed as having social and emotional needs and did have support at her old school but we cannot get this new (middle) school to accept that there is any issue so she has no support. We were taol that she had no social problems as sh egot on so wel with the staff!

I am sorry to hear your DD has no support. I wonder if there's any more help/support you can get from somewhere? Can the GP advise, or is there a special needs co-ordinator in education for the county council? I'd have thought they would have to take notice of an assessment of social and emotional needs, it doesn't sound right that the school is ignoring this. And is there any possibility of your DD moving to a more supportive school? Or any online support groups anyone on here can recommend (maybe AIBU isn't the right place - but can you ask in another section of MN such as behaviour/development or special needs?)

OP is she quite bright? Gifted even? There are sometimes local supposrt groups for gifted kids....the website educationotherwise can help put you in contact with them....and DD could socialise with other bright, sensitive kids.

Of course you want your dd to have friends, that's understandable. But friends with nasty, ignorant minded little sods like these? Seriously? I'd be proud of her if she wanted nothing to do with them.
When she goes to secondary school there will be others with the same views as her, others who will be pleased that she doesn't come out with the same claptrap as those on the bus. Are there also any out of school groups she could go to?

Totally agree with MadamDS and co. Your daughter should not have to deal with this rubbish, it's the responsibility of the school/L.A. they have a duty of care to the kids on their bus, as they would if there were mechanical problems leading to injury. The problem is the bullies, not anything to do with your DD. My DD had similar (less serious) issues, similar suggestions of Aspberger's/gifted/ASD. Changed school to one with great ethos of emotional/social education and support inc Children's Centre. Problem solved. Insist bus is made fit for purpose (hate thatphrase!) Your DD has a right to travel in peace.