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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think ex should tell dd before announcing on fb

28 replies

LilaTheBrave · 09/03/2011 11:53

That he is having a baby with.his new partner?

He hardly ever sees dd, last time was about 2 years ago, I've given up trying to get him to grow up. He called me this morning and told me, said he will phone dd on Saturday but I just logged into dds fb account as she is friends with his girlfriend, and its been announced?!!!

Aibu to want to call him and suggest its not the way to handle it, I don't want to ruin them telling their friends about it, but I am seething.

Dd is 11 BTW......

OP posts:
HeartSkipsABeat · 09/03/2011 12:00

OMG. That is absolutely horrible.

I'm a stepmum and we made sure DSCs were the first to know everything - that we were getting married, and the two pregnancies.

I'm friends with them all on FB (DH doesn't use it) and I make sure I don't put anything on there that I wouldn't want them to know, or if it is something big, I would tell them first.

plantsitter · 09/03/2011 12:02

Oh YANBU call him now quick! Poor DD!

Original poster
LilaTheBrave · 09/03/2011 12:03

Thanks, that was my reaction. Am pretty amazed at how stupid they are both being. Do you think I should ring him?!

OP posts:
jaffacake79 · 09/03/2011 12:03

You are def NBU! He should have told her first.

FabbyChic · 09/03/2011 12:04

You should ring him and he should tell her before she sees the facebook status.

MotherNight · 09/03/2011 12:04

YANBU Shock

eileenslightlytotheleft · 09/03/2011 12:06

Lila, I would call him and ask him to ring her this evening - because otherwise she will see it on gf's facebook. But keep your conversation factual as your aim is to get your dd told asap rather than have a go at your ex (tempting though that is). Heartbreaking stuff.

ratspeaker · 09/03/2011 12:07

Some men are insensitive twats
My friends ex didn't bother telling his kids he remarried
He was having them for a visit and expected to tell them in the on the way from the airport, by the way I have a new wife (who is now in the apartment they used to live in with their mum )

Luckily my friend had found out months earlier and gently told the kids so it wasn't an upsetting shock for them

eileenslightlytotheleft · 09/03/2011 12:18

Now I come to think of it, my dad told me that my SM had moved in when we were in the car on the way to his house for our regular night with him! My mum told me that she and my dad were divorcing by stopping outside a strange house after a holiday at the gps and telling me and dsis that we were going to live there without daddy! Parents are bizarre.

WinterLover · 09/03/2011 12:22

That's terrible!! We told family on the friday then DSD on the Saturday when we picked her up for our holiday, I was 13w at that point. She's only 5 but nothing got put onto FB until everyone knew and we knew DSD was happy with us having a baby. She's obviously not on FB but we didn't want it leaking out to people her mum may know.

The fact your DD is friends with his GF on there makes it even worse!!

Definately ring him with a polite, think you best ring DD tonight before she sees in on FB :( your poor DD

coccyx · 09/03/2011 12:24

Whats the big deal, you said he hardly ever sees your daughter, so they can't be very close.
YABU

Original poster
LilaTheBrave · 09/03/2011 12:30

The big deal? Making her feel even worse about her shit relationship with her shit dad?!

Jeez.

Thanks all, I have rung him and left a message for him to call me back.....

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 09/03/2011 12:31

What seems odd to me, OP, is that your daughter isn't close to her father yet has his girlfriend as a FB friend. Is she close to her? If so, perhaps she already knows about the baby and just hasn't told you?

squeakytoy · 09/03/2011 12:31

And here is another reason why children shouldnt be on FB. You lose control of what information they become aware of, and with this sort of thing, no, a child shouldnt read this first on FB.

TandB · 09/03/2011 12:35

If she is close enough to be friends with his girldfiend on facebook, how come he hasn't seen her for 2 years?

Is the relationship salvageable? If not, is it a good idea for her to have a sort of pseudo-relationship with his girlfriend via Facebook? It seems to me that she is just being set up to be hurt if she has a little window into their lives and no proper contact.

Chippychop · 09/03/2011 12:36

YANBU... The guy is a total insenstive pig. You need to nip this inthe bud right now. Your dd comes first. I' d be making sure that he was reminded he already had a child and neither of you expect her to be pushed into no2 positonjust because of a new baby.

Original poster
LilaTheBrave · 09/03/2011 12:37

Dd is friends on fb with his gf, I couldn't ask her to delete her, so I logged in and hid her posts so that nothing she wrote would come up in dds feed.

It's not ideal, but I thought it was better than nothing.

OP posts:
Ciske · 09/03/2011 12:40

FYI, if your DD is 11 she shouldn't be on Facebook at all.

Facebook T&C:

No information from children under age 13. If you are under age 13, please do not attempt to register for Facebook or provide any personal information about yourself to us. If we learn that we have collected personal information from a child under age 13, we will delete that information as quickly as possible. If you believe that we might have any information from a child under age 13, please contact us through this help page.

Lizzylou · 09/03/2011 12:40

Oh Goodness, how awful for her to find out like that, over FB!
I remember being very upset when my Dad told me he and my SM were having a baby, even though we had a good relationship. It needs to be handled sensitively.
YANBU!

Honeybee79 · 09/03/2011 12:43

He really needs to call her before she sees it on FB.

YANBU. Very poor behaviour.

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 09/03/2011 12:45

Ciske - are you FB police? Hmm

(Frankly I think FB is the work of the devil and no one should be on it - it would save a hell of a lot of heartache! But it's the OP's decision what she allows her DD to do).

I am another one confused about why/how she's friends with her Dad's GF on FB but never sees them?? Sounds most odd.

I hope he rings you back and calls your DD tonight.

He's a twat - but you knew that already Wink

Original poster
LilaTheBrave · 09/03/2011 12:48

ok, look can we not turn this into a facebook issue? It isn't. Its a shit Dad issue. I am well aware that dd "technically" shouldn't be on fb - but me and her step-father agreed she could have an account as long as she understood that we would be monitoring it, and we would be in charge of the password.

So really isn't a facebook problem, its a problem with her having a Dad who moved miles away from her, never calls and can't be bothered to be part of her life, yet still wants her to be his trophy daughter he sees when he can be bothered.

It affects dd alot more than she lets on I think, and I worry about it constantly, but ultimately I can't MAKE him into a decent Dad. I hope that this latest news doesn't upset her - anything I can do to make it easier for her I will do - if that means ensuring that he doesn't act like an arse and announce it to the world on FB before telling his daughter, then that is what I shall do.

OP posts:
Original poster
LilaTheBrave · 09/03/2011 12:50

Yes, it is odd - but like I said, I couldn't ask her to delete his gf without turning it into a big issue - so i just hid all her posts, dd won't see anything she writes unless she goes onto her profile, which she doesn't do....so I figured it was the best thing to do in that situation.

She wants to have more of a relationship with him and his gf, its them who are shit and let her down, dd thinks the world of him (and possibly his gf because she is with him)Sad

DD is much more interested in talking to her friends on fb rather than anything else.

End of FB talk!

OP posts:
deaconblue · 09/03/2011 13:00

oh my sister's ex did this. The first she or their son knew of the baby was 20 week scan photos on facebook. Cowards.

BuzzLiteBeer · 09/03/2011 13:13

It is a facebook issue, if she wasn't on it she wouldn't have seen it.

Of course she feels worse seeing this on facebook, why would she be FB friends with her dads girlfriend if she doesn't see her dad?

Yes he's a twat for announcing it on FB, but its also your fault for letting her have access to an adults page on a site she should not be on.