baby photos

[lionmummy]

I had a miscarriage at 18 weeks, dc#3 would have arrived in December. My lovely sister had her beautiful ds in January; I'm genuinely very happy for her. My Mother insists on sitting me down & showing me photos from every visit to the new granchild, 200 in one sitting at the last visit. I don't want to get drawn into big discussion with her but I think its a bit tactless at the same time. What do you think? Advice to handle next time?

you cant spoil her happiness because of your loss, i know how you feel, i also had miscarriage after trying for 10 years, but people move on and they cant stop of tiptoe around you forever. :( sorry to be blunt but its true

or, not of

Yes it does seem a little tactless,is this her 1st gc,maybe she is just excited,you should say something really,how about asking your sis to say something.
Sorry about you mc.

Utterly tactless. Am going through a similar thing. Had mc at end of Jan. SIL had baby in early Feb and photos are emailed, Facebooked blah blah.

We haven't been invited to see the new addition yet but when we are I am going to be honest and say that I don't think I can handle it yet. I wish them nothing but well but I need time to get myself together.

I would be straight with your MIL and when she starts just say, I'm sorry but I really don't feel up to looking at those now. Your loss was later than mine and it is entirely understandable that you don't feel up to hearing and seeing chapter and verse. No one with any shred of feeling would blame you for feeling as you do xx

Well, no one but tallulah anyway...

Perhaps just be honest tell her that you're really happy for your sister and it's lovely that your mum is loving being a grandma, but everything is still a raw and you find looking at the photos quite difficult and you're not really ready for it yet. She's probably just so excited that she's not really thought about how you might still be feeling. Sorry for your loss.

YANBU. A bit of sensitivity wouldnt go amiss here. I dont think its tiptoeing around you to hold off on the baby photos a bit. 200! Is she trying to shock you into getting over the loss of your baby?

I am sorry about your loss. How awful for you. I am sure you are very happy for your sister but it must be very hard for you to be inundated with photos of her baby like this.

I dont know how to advise you apart from being really honest with your mum. 'Mum, I am really very happy for DS but I am finding it quite hard to look at so many photos of the baby at the moment. I am still trying to come to terms with my miscarraige'

If you think you can.

YANBU, and I am sorry about your loss.

Could you explain that you'd like to see photos now and again, but only when you ask?

Oh sorry, it's your mum not MIL? That's worse, your own mother should have a bit more sense. I'm not saying for a moment she shouldn't be excited, proud etc, of course not. But she has two daughters and one of them is finding it hard.

Thanks for your views. My DH is when I told him but it's a one sided view from him. It's my mum's 4th gc so I would have thought the novelty would have worn off by now I get that she's really happy and I am happy for my sister too but I personally think that she's not being very considerate.....and definitely don't want people to tiptoe around me!

Yanbu!

YANBU... get your DH to tell your mum that whilst you are of course very happy for her and your sister, you are still v upset about your late miscarriage and looking at endless baby pictures makes the pain worse.

How can you even consider that you're being unreasonable?! Of course you aren't! I am shocked at how insensitive your own mother has been. Very sorry for your loss.

YANBU. I don't think people understand if they haven't gone through it themselves. Explain nicely to your mother and I would ask her not to mention to your sister. Very sorry for your loss - it must have been awful.

Oh lionmummy, YASNBU. I am so, so sorry for your loss.

It's horrible. I had my last MC in Jan 2010. DP's brother announced his partner's PG exactly 2 weeks later.

When they had their baby, all I could think was 'I should have a baby now too'. Selfish, I know, but I couldn't help it. The morning their baby was born, DP and I were helping his folks collect some furniture. By the time we met them at 10am, they had been to the hospital, and taken so many photos of the new arrival. Which DP's Mum showed me, in the middle of a furniture store. I had to feign a nosebleed and run to the car for a great big cry.

Then, it was demanded that we go to visit at the hospital (by DP's brother). Having this beautiful, 10 hour old little one thrust into my arms almost ended me.

How to deal with it? I really don't know, tbh. I kept my distance for the first few months (which led to accusations of me being a horrible, cold, uncaring bitch by DP's brother). I just couldn't hold their daughter.

Now, many months later, I can handle being around them, though I still cannot hold their daughter.. It still hurts - I reckon it always will, but I can at least be around them, without wanting to cry, or yell, or throw things.

So sorry for hijacking your thread, OP.I just hope that sharing my experiences will help you.

It will be difficult. Try to be strong, and enjoy the new addition to the family. PM me if you want to talk about this further.

Untitled, sorry to hear your story (& no problem for hijacking)...must have been awful for you. I haven't been to see the baby yet as they live a way away but to have to hold the baby must have been so heartbreaking for you. When I do go next month (by which time my Mother will have asked me close to 20 times as to when I'm going down to see them!)I'm sure I'll be ok and feel much more assertive about saying a polite no to the bloody photos next time!

YANBU. 200 photo's??? I wouldn't want to look at 200 photo's either and I haven't experienced what you have. You are obviously far more polite than me as I would have stopped her after the 10th!
I am sorry to hear stories of people having babies thrust at them. I would never do that and would not expect anyone who had suffered such a loss to have to hold my baby. Maybe you could email before you see them and say it is still a bit upsetting for and that you may get upset when you do see them but that it isn't because you are not happy for them.

lionmummy, sorry for not returning to this thread sooner, today has been hectic. Thank you for your kind words.

WRT visiting your sister next month, honestly, it will be bloody difficult, but you will get through it, and it does get easier.

Do say a polite 'no' to the photos. It's just self-preservation, protecting yourself from things that will hurt you.

BlueCollie speaks a lot of sense.

I lost my baby five days after my niece was born. She was born alive at 20 weeks and died a few hours later. I felt rather torn because I didn't have any negative feelings about her, she wasn't my baby and it seemed as logical to be upset about her life as an adult's life (this is my feelings, not trying to own anyone else's) but at the same time I didn't want to be changing her nappy or giving her a bottle or whatever. I never bonded with her like I did her older siblings and I know Mum felt the same.

You need to do what you need to do to get through, if being shown all these pictures of your nephew is too much for you then just say "Please don't, I'm not ready".

It does get easier, honest. There are bad times, you'll probably find the year and half year anniversaries hard, special birthdays, the first September your baby should have been going to school (this has been my hardest one actually, I've got two babies in the same school year so now I feel like I know what I'm missing, everytime my daughter brings home homework or a drawing etc I think it should be my other baby too) but in between you work it out.