To think three is always a crowd?

[Frazzledmumwithsmudgedmascara]

A good friend of mine asked me to meet at a soft play place this morning. When I drove into the carpark I saw she had brought another friend along, whom she has been friends with since they were little. They saw me drive into the carpark, waved to me, and then didn't wait for me but went off inside. It wasn't raining or particularly cold and they had been standing right near to where I parked.

Got DD out of the car, went inside and they were sitting talking, and they basically chatted all the time I was there. I tried to join in and would add to the conversation but just get a "yep" or an "mmmmmmm" and then they'd carry on talking. They were asking each other questions "oooh how did you get on at so and so?" "Have you booked your holidays yet" etc etc. In the end I got fed up so I said I had to go, put DD's coat on and went.

I feel that everytime I go anywhere where there are 3 it is always me who gets left out. I went out on a shopping day with a friend before Xmas and she brought along another friend out of the blue, who she lives near and sees every day, and they spent the whole day chatting about a holiday they're booking together. We went into a large store and my friend even said "Right, we're off to look at the baby boy things, see you in a bit" and left me wandering round on my own.

I'm fairly quiet and not a pushy person particularly. I'm thinking maybe it's best to avoid situations where there are 3 as it's always a crowd. DH says I should have gone home and made excuses as soon as they walked off inside without me this morning, as perhaps that was an indicator of how they were going to behave.

Really quite upset about it:-(

Oh no that's not nice , sorry to hear you had a bad morning. I would have gone home too.

I think it's your friend that's the problem not a crowd. She sounds rude and unpleasant.

I would avoid threesomes. It's not doing your self esteem any good at all and your friend is showing you a lack of respect.

I have ALWAYS found the 3 thing difficult, even if I am the one who knows both people. You need to have v good conversational skills to turn the conversation constantly around so all 3 people can join in equally. It is hard. Your friend doesn't sound so good at it. Have a and take heart - it's not you, it's them!

What annoys me is even if I'm not the person who knows both of the others, it's always me that's left out and it just makes me wonder what's wrong with me and why doesn't anyone ever want to leave someone else out in favour of me. Does that make sense?

thanks for the replies and

Hi Frazzled,

I am sorry this has happened- i really sympathize, I have been in the situation many times- and also try to avoid now. I cant see how this ever works and I am always one to be left out. Probably as I am not pushy enough.

I had this issue at Uni. There were 3 of us who used to walk 40mins to campus and I'd always end up walking in gutter or behind the others or at the front. It got to the point that I was so upset that used to leave 20mins before the others, wear my ipod and enjoy my walk in peace. No one ever got it.

It's hard when friends invite others when you are not expecting it. My friend does this- you go for dinner to find 4 other people there unexpectedly.

I'd personally have fucked the pair of them, gone and played with my daughter and said see you later.

how strange. Why did she invite you if she essentially just wanted to chat with this other friend?

ChocolateBrownie, that's really sad. They sound like the sort of people that wouldn't be proper friends anyway if they couldn't see how rude they were being. Good on you for doing your own thing.

Gemsy, I did that after a few times of trying to join in their conversation and them making it obvious they wanted to talk just the two of them. Final straw was when we sat down to have a drink and it was as if I wasn't at the table. Think they knew I had a mood on when I started getting DD's coat on.

ZZZen, I think she invited me first and then invited the other woman at the last minute.

it's just really bad manners on the part of the other 2 women. You can get together in a threesome without anyone feeling left out.

No three is not always a crowd be these two were rude. I would be upset too.

Agree with ambarth.

Three can work well. I like groups of 3 and above because sometimes just the two of you can get a bit intense. I would always make an effort to include everyone in the conversation.

Your friend was just rude.

Three isn't always a crowd at all. Your friend is being really rude to invite you to something and then exclude you when you get there.

You describe her as a "good friend", so can you talk to her about it?

I don't think 3 is a crowd - I often meet up with/go away for a weekend with my 2 friends and conversation never falters and all 3 join in equally.

I agree with other posters that it's your friends who are at fault. After all, how rude is it to ignore a person sitting with you?

Hope you are feeling better. It really really isn't you. And don't try to become more pushy. I'm not pushy and it took me a long time to accept that about myself. I was often overlooked in conversations and I felt very sidelined and sometimes invisible. But then I made other friends who never ever make me feel like that.

No you're not being unreasonable at all!

I think there must be something wrong with me as I experienced this with different pairs of friends in primary school, secondary school, university and then in the workplace. In my case it's never even been the 3rd person being my friend's friend - the 2 have always been my friends in their own right and in one case I introduced them to each other! I've just cut them off in the end as I end up so annoyed (I'm a chatty person so it's not that I'm quiet)

However... I went away with 2 friends recently and apparently did the same to one of them so maybe the problem is that I'm not good at giving equal attention to 2 people and this is why when I'm in a group of 3 I often end up left out... wonder if this applies to you, Frazzled?

Ooooh I'm not sure really Giselle; I like to think that I wouldn't do that to someone and would always try and include someone and wouldn't want them to be left out. However I might have been guilty of doing it I suppose if I'm with one of my closest mates and someone else.

YANBU I think it's a bit rude and thoughtless to invite someone else along without asking you if you're happy with it. I find it causes problems sometimes with the dc - one is invariably left out.

A friend did this to me recently then complained bitterly that her son was being left out. She also spent 95% of the time talking to her other friend.

I wanted to yell at the top of my voice "you created this situation".

She is now an ex friend as it was the last straw.

I don't blame you for dumping her as a friend, Nora. Luckily it didn't cause any problems between the children today but yes I totally agree it could do, especially if for example my DD had been looking forward to seeing my friend's child, only to get there and find another child thrown into the mix that they might not get on with.

I had thought I might get a text from my friend today as I left quite abruptly and I thought she might see if I was okay as it's not like me to be like that, but nothing. Clearly she thinks nothing was wrong.

Am just going to avoid any situations in 3s in future.

TBH it was lots of things really - this just being one of them. But sometimes you just want a nice chat with someone, knowing that your dcs will play nicely. If another random person comes along, it totally changes everything.

I think some people are just very easy going and don't see how this is upsetting to others.

But yes, I try to avoid threesomes - particularly with dcs.

I don't mind three I like the dynamic of more people to keep conversation going but I will try to keep everyone involved. Yr friend was very rude and should have included you as well. With kids I find it tricky but not always It depends on the child tbh

Frazzled, perhaps she is a Mumsnetter and has already read your post and wept! Hope so, perhaps she is just very insensitive. Would try to find someone else to go with or why not go by yourself with the paper or a good novel?

yanbu, groups of 3 can be difficult if one member of the group is prone to dominate the conversation.

I used to have 2 friends each of whom were lovely when I was with just one of them, but when the 3 of us got together the dominant one would spend a lot of time talking about whatever she was most interested in and would tend to drive the conversations... and as they were dating guys who were good friends and they both worked in the same industry they had a lot to talk about - and I was consistently left with no way to add to the conversation because I knew nothing of what they were talking about.

I slowly stopped seeing them and felt much, much happier for it. They just didn't 'get it' though and were quite unhappy that I wasn't meeting up anymore. I really don't think either of them had really realised that I felt they were excluding me and being really rude. They were just inconsiderate and too focused on themselves to really notice I think.

Yanbu to think that you were treated unfairly. I think it is polite to at least mention it if someone else is coming along. But three can be great. I have two really close friend's. Sometimes I see one, sometimes both. At a soft play it often works out well- you still have a chat if one is dealing with children. But we don't leave each other out and even when they talk about work, it isn't for long and I enjoy the quiet for a bit. But it can be a nightmare if people aren't sensitive

:(

YABU though, this is not because there were 3 of you, it just sounds like they are rude and/or clueless.

It sounds like you are very unassertive and maybe need some more practise at it. I could've written your OP a couple of years ago but after socialising in mum circles a bit more it's got so much better.

I do think you should stick to one-on-one meet ups for now though as it might get your confidence up and maybe you will find a closer friend.