To expect my DD to be able to choose (and eat) school lunch in peace

[furcoatnoknicks]

My DD(6) is friends with a girl who seems to dominate her at school. Last night we were discussing school meals and I asked her which of the choices she picks. Her reply surprised me- she goes for the veggie option most of the time.

(Now before I get flamed by the veggie community I have no problem with that as such)
but turns out that if she picks a meat option the friend teases her about it and generally makes her uncomfortable for the time she's eating. Am I being unreasonable to go in and mention it to the teacher so they can be split up or at least watched at lunch?
I feel that it should be her choice what she eats and she should be allowed to eat in peace.

I thought about mentioning it to the mother but she's equally veg fervent (has an opinion on everything and uses it freely- annoying opinionated cow in other words- won't be on my dinner party list ).

I don't want to spark a debate on veggie/non veggie stuff, just whether I should intervene because I feel my DD has a right to a peaceful lunch, whatever it is.
Should I wade in or not?

Maybe have a quiet word with the teacher about changing the lunch queue line-up?

I completely agree with you (despite being a veggie) but I think unless your DD is asking for your help this is one battle you should let her pick.Unless you think this is becoming bullying, just encourage her to stand up to her friends, arm her with some facts and let her do it herself - it's a good lesson to learn.

Tough one. I agree with StealthPolarBear to an extent but perhaps a quiet word with the teacher to make her aware might not be such a bad thing either.

i am a vbeggie my kids aren't as i feel its a lifestyle choice, blah blah, say something, it at best manipulative at worst bullying

I would encourage your child to tell this girl to mind her own business and then I'd have a quick word with the school.

I don't see what's wrong with talking to the parent either. Just cos she's opinionated about vegetarianism, doesn't mean she'd automatically be happy to know her child is teasing yours over her choices.

I'd leave your daughter to it. She is still getting a full lunch and she is choosing, just not for reasons that you like! Let her get on with it, you can't micromanage her relationships.

Your child has a right to eat whatever she likes.

But does the other child not have the right to point out how barbaric meat eating is? :o

I would handle it as Stealth suggests, leaving it to DD to deal with unless she specifically asks for help.

I agree with acanthus

it's your job to tell your dd to be assertive, ignore her friendand eat what she likes

talking to the teacher is madness

teach your DD it's OK to make her own decisions regardless of what her friends say/think. That's the best you can do. I think involving teachers for something like this is really OTT.

She's six, yes. Old enough to choose a lunch. She's getting a lunch. Surely we all remember doing stuff because we were influenced by our friends. No reason to involve the teacher here.

Surely she is not choosing her lunch if she is having to choose a veggie option in order not to get teased by her friend, though, Acanthus?

It's not the fact that she is eating the veggie option that's the problem, but the fact that she is feeling coerced into a particular 'choice' by her friend. That is not a good thing for a friend to be doing, nor is it fair for the Op's dd to feel she can't have what she wants for her lunch, for fear of what her friend will say.

I agree with SPB that the best thing to do is to tell the girl that she doesn't have to listen to what her friend says, and to equip her with some facts and some come-backs to use when her friend starts to have a go at her for choosing a non-veggie option.

"It's my choice what I have for my lunch, and you should stop bullying me about it."

"I don't tease you about your choice of food and you shouldn't tease me."

"Friends don't tease eachother, and you are making me unhappy."

In my opinion, this is getting very close to being bullying - it is not a one-off incident, and it keeps on happening, and I see no reason why the OP should relax and let another child carry on doing this to her child.

I would be appalled if any of my dses were forcing their views onto another child like this - and this girl's mother should be focussing on the unpleasant behaviour of her child, not condoning it because it chimes with her views on food. Does she want her dd to grow up thinking it is OK to tease/bully/coerce others into doing what she wants them to do??

I agree with what you say but still don't think it's a teachers job to intervene, it's down to the parent to instil confidence etc
teachers have enough to do without following kids around in the lunch queue

That is a fair point, compo. But I do think it would be worth mentioning it to the teacher so that he or she could have a word with the whole class about how it is wrong to tease someone else for their choices, and how it's wrong to make someone do something they don't want to do - in circle time, perhaps.

That way the teacher doesn't have to police the dinner queue, but can still reinforce the need for tolerance - which is a good lesson.

Would the 'leave her alone, she's getting a lunch' posters feel the same way if this little girl wanted to eat veggie but was being bullied by a 'friend' into eating meat?

I agree with compo though. It's not the teacher's job to intervene. Your DD needs tactics to help her in standing up for what she wants.

Yes and no, OTHD - as I said, the teacher could have a general chat with the class about tolerance, and why teasing someone is wrong. It is the sort of thing that the dses primary school teachers used to tackle in circle time.

We had this the other way round (sort of) DD is veggie and when she started schol her lunch box was different to the other kids - she'd have raw veg, fruit, pasta, wholemeal bread/pitta, hummus, dips, felafel,salad with bean sprouts etc.

Some other kids thought she was "weird" and that her food was strange. We taught her how to cope with that while checking with her every no9w and again to see if the teasing was still happening (as she grew more confident the teasing got less. We encouraged her to tell the other kids that she liked those thgings and that they liked their food and that was good as there were more nice things to go round.

People should have the right tio eat what they chose (well within reason, obvioulsy I'm not advocating cannibalism as a healty eating choice)however too many people are afraid to explain where food comes from or are squeamish about the whole meat production and are uncomfortable with (some) veggies approach to brutal honesty about what is on your plate.

Its sounds from the OP that the girl may be dominating her DD in other areas not just the lunch situation. In which case OP I think you should encourage your DD to be more assertive, perhaps giving her some phrases like those DavidTennantsgirl suggests. Mention it to the teacher as well as something to keep an eye on and perhaps bring up in circle time as others have suggested.

Teach your daughter to know her own mind and politely disagree with her friend if she wants to. I wouldn't go straight to the teacher right away, give your daughter a chance to try out her new skills.

It's not urgent, she's getting lunch, and sooner or later she'll strike out for herself.

Does she have other friends at school that you could invite home with your daughter sometimes? One on one friendships are nice but they can be all encompassing and it's important for your daughter to socialise with lots of girls.