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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I know IABU, but feel very sad that DC3 will be DD3 and I will never have a baby boy.....

49 replies

littlejobbie · 07/03/2011 16:20

13 weeks with DC3, we are thrilled to bits after a MC and various other traumas and I was so so happy to see that baby looked healthy - and then the sonographer said she thinks its DD3 (she was right at 13 weeks with DD1 and DD2) and all of a sudden my total joy bubble was burst... Joy is still there,underneath, but feeling completely overwhelmed by sadness at never having a baby boy and can hardly bear to hold my friends baby boy for sadness! Ridiculous!! I need a cure for this lunacy - or at least to be told if its normal/abnormal/how long its going to last. I am shocked by how upset I feel, when I know its totally unreasonable and I should just be happy that I have conceived, baby looks healthy etc etc We certainly didn't set out to have DC3 with the wish to have a boy but if I had had to guess before US I would have said this was a boy as pregnancy has been so different and fits so many OWT for a boy - so I think I just got boy in my head and now need to come to terms with 3 pink ones! Please help me sort my head out so that I don't send unwelcoming vibes to this (much wanted) DD3...

OP posts:

spidookly · 07/03/2011 19:33

Great post needa

it sounds like you're sad for the son you (probably) won't ever have, rather than for the daughter you will.

Knowing that a certain path your life might have taken is now closed off means facing your mortality.

I have 2 DDs and should I be lucky enough to have a 3rd I'm pretty sure I'll feel like you. I simultaneously love the idea of having 3 girls and know that I would love to have a son.

Have your moment of wistfulness at what might have been. Then remember how very lucky you are - 3 lovely girls! :)

congratluations!

melpomene · 07/03/2011 19:52

It looks like the German word is "Dreimdiderlhaus"

link

As others have said, whatever flavour/combination you have it will work out fine.

And with 3 dds you have a good chance of having a grandson one day.

melpomene · 07/03/2011 19:53

Dreimäderlhaus - didn't come out properly on copy and paste the first time.

pointydog · 07/03/2011 19:58

Be disappointed for a couple of days and then get over within the week.

That would be ok.

pointythings · 07/03/2011 20:08

YANBU - I don't think this is at all unusual. I must be the weird minority because I couldn't give a toss either time and was happy just to have two healthy girls. Mind you, both times I had this very strong 'it's a girl' sense pretty much from the moment I started feeling sick - never felt the lack of a boy. Perhaps I'm just the kind to accept what has to be - and of course I do have two friends who both wanted children but it just didn't happen for them.

CPtart · 07/03/2011 20:32

I have two DS and would have loved a girl the second time, I still occasionally mourn never having a daughter but certainly not enough to have a third child! And seeing my two boys together makes me realise how special that relationship is between same sex siblings, much better than that of me and my brother.

DeWe · 07/03/2011 20:35

I've never heard of anyone being told the sex at 13 weeks before. Is this common now? For mine you always had to wait for the 20 week scan.

chipmonkey · 07/03/2011 20:47

pointythings, are you sure you would have felt the same if you had two boys? I often think we have strong feelings that we are going to have what we want to have IYKWIM.

RockyAddict · 07/03/2011 21:22

Scans can sometimes be misleading. My sonographer told me she thought DC2 was a girl at 20 week scan, there was no sighting of a winkie. My amnio (for health reasons) said otherwise. I guess he was just a bit shy.

pointythings · 07/03/2011 21:36

Chipmonkey,

Yes, I can honestly say that I would have been just as happy with two boys. I just didn't care what I had as long as they were healthy - perhaps this is because I had my children late-ish (first one at 33) and as mentioned have friends who were childless. It also took me a long time to fall pregnant with DD1 (well it felt long - 7 months) so that blue line was all I needed to see.

When I was PG with DD2 I did wonder what it would be like to have one of each, and I did but a lot of 'gender neutral' first-year clothes for DD just so that I could use it again if DC2 was a boy, but that was just me being cheap frugal.

I also have an uncanny habit of telling my friends what they are going to have (only if they ask) - I have only been wrong once in about 30 babies so far. A friend of mine told me her scan said she was going to have a boy, I said I didn't think so - and it was a girl. Just call me spooky.

I wouldn't dream of condemning the OP for grieving for the boy she isn't going to have, not for a moment - I just don't feel that way. It may change when they're in the middle of puberty while I hit menopause, though...

littlebylittle · 07/03/2011 22:12

Please don't listen to the " you should be so lucky" brigade. You can't help how you feel. We had to have fertility treatment to conceive all three of ours. And once they're conceived you're back in the normal range again with all those feelings. I had a preference for dd first time. Not overwhelming, and not dwelt on, but there nonetheless. People are lucky not to feel preferences and most choose not to express them publicly in RL, not strongly anyway. Ad someone who knows the pain of thinking you'll never hold a baby in your arms, I don't think yabu. And even if you were, what are you supposed to do about it?

GiddyPickle · 07/03/2011 22:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wook · 07/03/2011 22:32

YANBU and abit U all at the same time-as you know! I am sure I would feel the same in your position. And you know that this baby will be a precious gift and that all your girls will be different people

A1980 · 07/03/2011 22:52

I'm glad you know that YABU because you ARE!

it makes me fucking sick when I read all the condolences for not having the gender you wanted. It doesnt work like that! I'd like a child, either gender will do, but it's unlikely I will have any.

Would anyone care to swap? I'll have 3 children of the same gender and you take my fertility problems?

MosEisley · 07/03/2011 23:09

YANBU OP to feel the way you feel. I felt a bit the same when our scan revealed DS3. Then he was born and I met him and he was the loveliest-baby-in-the-world (for me) and I felt so guilty that I'd ever wished for any child but him. I'm sure when your littlest daughter arrives your love for her will wash away any sadness at not having a son.

Knowing that other people have worse problems does not negate your feelings.

BanalChelping · 07/03/2011 23:27

You're being a bit bonkers but understandably so. I found out DS2's gender because I was so desperate for a second boy and I thought I would need time to get my head around it if he'd been a girl (nothing wrong with girls - I was one - but I couldn't imagine myself with a daughter). I do think 12/13 weeks is really early to tell so you might get you boy after all.

chipmonkey · 07/03/2011 23:37

littlejobbie, it does ease with time. A couple of weeks ago, I was walking through a shopping centre with my four boys and all of a sudden I felt so proud! And I am determined to be happy when ( not if, when!) dc5 turns out to be ds5. Assuming we get through this pregnancy OK.

And as a Mum of boys, I will tell you that the range of clothes for little girls is much better and nicer and you can put them in cute dresses with tights and boots and stuff.

TheSleepFairy · 07/03/2011 23:37

YANBU I'm truly relieved to have 3 dd's but when preg with DD3 we had problems including early labour at 31 weeks.

We were told during a scan around that time DD3 was a boy & DH was visable over the moon, he spoke about his boy & friends went on to have DC3 all to be boys.

Our DD3 was born 2 weeks early with a heart condition & I KNOW DH was dissapointed & maybe will always mourn the loss of his son.

But as someone else said, it's not all about gender. DD2 really should have been a boy & I'm sure DH will find lot's of boy things to do with her.

constantlywrong · 08/03/2011 00:02

YANBU.

letsgetloud · 08/03/2011 00:08

I have 3 dd's and then ds1.

When pregnant with dd2 I wanted another girl. When pregnant with dd3 I still wanted another girl but felt a bit guilty for dh as although he denied it, I thought he would want dc3 to be a boy.

I never asked the sex at the 20 week scan with dc3 as I didn't really wanted to be disappointed either way. If they had said a girl I worried I would have felt "same old, same old" (sorry, know it sounds bad).

I knew if I had been told dc3 was a boy I would also have been disappointed as I have just never wanted a boy.

Well she turned out to be a she and when we were told what she was, we both felt as elated as we did when we were told the sex of our first (at the birth)

Our three girls are a wee gang.They look out for each other, have their own wee world. I love being out and about with them as I am so proud of them.

They are all so different but the third has honestly kept us on our toes like none of the others.

When pregnant with my fourth I would have been quite delighted with another girl. I just felt you would never be lonely with 3 sisters. The only thing that was swaying me towards wanting a boy was what others would think.

I felt that the whole world wanted me to have a boy and that everyone would in a way feel sorry for me but much more so for Dh, if bump turned out to be a girl.

I have lost count of the number of people who have said "a boy at last". 3 people including my own mum, told me when I was pregnant with dc4, that maybe I would be blessed with a boy this time. What an awful thing to say. Deep down I wanted a boy for dh but much more than that I wanted a healthy baby.

I can understand that you are disappointed same as I think I would have been disappointed when I was pregnant with dc1, dc2 and dc3 if I had been told at the scan they were boys.

For that reason I didn't get ask the sex at the scan (well not true really, first two the hospital didn't tell the sex). I just think as soon as you have the baby the sex is totally irrelevant.

chandellina · 08/03/2011 09:32

YABU - another one here with fertility problems. I have a gorgeous son but he was a bit of a miracle and a second child is extremely unlikely after a bunch of failed IVFs and miscarriages. Having three children sounds like such a blessing to me. Please embrace the good fortune of this new sister for your girls!

FWIW, my brother and his wife had four girls before having a boy.

jester68 · 08/03/2011 10:24

Aww congratulations on your new baby girl to be!!!!

Funnily enough with my first pregnancy I really wanted a girl deep down- never said anything but it was just my desire. Though at the end of the day also just wanted a healthy baby. Found out at the 20 week scan she was a girl

With second pregnancy I honestly did not mind what we had- but I was swaying towards another girl as thought it would be great to have 2 little girls growing up together. We did not find out the sex this time and when our second daughter was born it was amazing. And our 2 girls are very close -and I love buying them clothes!!!!

I was a really girly-girl when I was younger but grew up with 3 older brothers who were/are great. Just never got to play with them as such (apart from sporty things). But we are all close now we are older and they are very protective over me.

I have 2 nieces (and sadly one in heaven who died of cot death) and my 5th nephew is due in may. My sister in law who is due in may was disappointed when she found out the baby was a boy as she was desperate for a girl. It is her first but my brother is the father of 2 boys and a girl (plus his little one in heaven as well). But it did not last long. She is 31 weekish now and very excited to meet her son.

But we did have a neighbour growing up was desperate for a girl. She said she would keep on having children until she got her girl. After 6 boys the 7th child was a little girl -who is now a complete and utter tomboy and refuses dresses/skirts/pink/dolls/long hair etc

littlebylittle · 08/03/2011 14:12

Just to clarify, I don't think it's unreasonable to feel how you feel. Of course what you do about it is different. But I think op is acknowledging how she feels and is trying to process it. I don't think any part of it sounds self pitying for her situation-ie she knows she's lucky to be having dd. Look, I've forgiven myself for feeling bitter every time someone had a baby when we weren't because what I actually did was keep away if I really couldn't cope, but mostly visit, gush and give a lovely gift. You can't help how you feel, sometimes you can help what you do about it.

zukiecat · 08/03/2011 14:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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