To Be Furious with Ex Husband and His Family?

[midori1999]

I'm sure I can't be BU.

ExH and I split almost 7 years ago when DS3 was a few months old. DS3 has Downs Syndrome, but this wasn't a factor in the split, it had been on the cards anyway and the pregnancy was unplanned.

I have always got on well with ExH, accepting that he chose to work abroad and saw the DC infrequently. He always paid generous maintenance, which although didn't make up for him not seeing the DC much, was at least something. ExH then 'made up' with his estranged family and decided to get a job in the UK near to them. It meant a huge drop in maintenance but that was fine as I hoped he would see the DC much more. He does have some problems as he had surgery on his spine/neck whilst working abroad and needed further surgery recently. He was on morphine until then and couldn't travel much. He has been inrreasingly 'difficult' since being back in touch with his family.

DH has now worked in the UK again for almost two years and has seen the DC three times in those two years. I offered he could have them last summer and we would meet him half way with them (we do live some distance away, ferry trip and 3-4 hour drive). However, he didn't confirm things and then when he trid to book the time off work he couldn't. So, the last time he saw the DC was Christmas 2009 when they DC went to stay with him.

The final straw was that it was DS3's birthday on Saturday and he didn't get a card or present from his Dad, nor any card, present, phone call from any of ExH's family. When I asked ExH about it (when he rang to speak to the DC on Sunday) he just said he didn't know why and that was it. They did send things for all 3 DC for Christmas and for DS2's birthday just before Christmas.

Luckily, DS3 doesn't really understand birthdays properly and wouldn't notice the lack of anything from his Dad or his family, but that's hardly the point, is it?!

No YANBU.

Ex should be ashamed of himself, although he can't take responsibility for his family's behaviour.

It sounds as though your children have regular phone contact with their father, and you receive regular maintenance. So I think you'll have to be content with that for the time being.

His family sound unpleasant and there are obviously 'issues' there for him to have been estranged from them for a time. Try not to let your 3 notice the lack of gifts, but if they do notice then I don't think its unreasonable to be honest and say that their paternal relatives are a little thoughtless sometimes and forget about their GCs. More fool them.

YANBU - very sad that a father doesn't seem to care about knowing his children.

Just remember that you are the parent that they know loves them and is there for them. He is the the parent who will have to explain himself in years to come

YANBU just because your DS might not be aware of what he has missed out on does not make it ok for his dad to forget about him.

I wish absent parents realised how much it hurts when they "forget" their children.

Shameless behaviour from him. Is he paying money regularly? At least that is something he can be relied upon for. The siblings will notice if his attentions are hit and miss, even if DC3 doesn't at the moment.

Sounds like you haven't spoken about his commitment to contact with your children for a while, it's clearly wavering.

At the very least, he should be making efforts on ALL their birthdays, and at Christmas. Make sure they do something on Father's Day, too.

His position is total madness, look what he's missing out on!!