I want to bang their heads together (bloody BIL!!)

[ItsMeYourCathy]

This is a bit of a long one but I GENUINELY need help from others who may have been in a similar position.

My BIL and his GF have decided (for some unknown reason) to stop contact with my PIL. We really have no idea what they actually did, apart from some vague 'MIL has done a lot to hurt me' comment which was not elaborated on. I honestly would tell MIL if I could think of what she'd done but I can't see what it could have been. Really.

Anyhoo, I'm having a baby in about 4 weeks and I was hoping this would have smoothed things over. Last week, I was popping to the bank with MIL and SIL walked past us with a friend and loudly and sarcastically called 'Hi there ItsMe' and totally ignored MIL. I thought it was so rude - why not just say a blanket hello rather than singling me out and making a point of it? It made me feel awful for MIL. She won't normally go out during lunchtimes in case she bumps into BIL and SIL on their lunchbreak from work and is ignored. She just said 'see what I mean' and began to fill up. I feel so sorry for her.

After that, I was so wound up by the utter childishness of SIL. I want to give up trying to be pleasant to them and keep bridges open.

The thought of my son not knowing his uncle / aunt because they are so petulant and weird makes me sad though, and I'm getting stressed about them visiting when he's born. I want to shake the pair of them. SIL has thre lovely kids (not BILs) who were loved and acepted by the family and have now been cut off as well. Its a shame that my son will miss out on cousins.

WWYD? AIBU to give up? AIBU to feel like banging their heads together? AIBU to keep smiling and being pleasant when I want to scream at them and stick up for MIL, just for the sake of keeping the lines of communication opne, just in case?

Dear me, families hey...

My first instinct is to say leave the to it, keep out of it. No good can come from interfering (however well intentioned, it won't be well received).

I can see how silly and pointless it seems, and you naturally want to see if you can heal the rift.

But I don't see how you can do this without finding yourself caught up in the argument.
Can you OH have a word with his brother? tell him how hurt their mum is? Ask if there is anything he (your OH) can do to mend the hurt?
Other than that, I suggest you leave things for a while, but keep distant contact such as birthdays, pics of your newborn, Christmas etc.

It might blow over, it might not. try to focus on your new little family and allow your PIL to play a full part in your family (although don't overcompensate by allowing them to smother you!).

My instinct is also to advise that you stay out of it. That will be the easiest and least stressful thing for you to do. There may be lots of things that have gone on that you just don't know about.

However,if you feel you must do something (and I would struggle to stay of it, even knowing that it was the best thing to do) then get your DH to ask his brother for the specifics and to let him know how hurt your MIL is. They may be entirely justified in not having contact with the ILs. If they give you the reasons and you think they are being very unfair, then you and your DH will have to choose whether to remain on good terms with your BIL or defend your ILs.

If this was me, I'd want to know why this had happened. If I felt that my BIL and SIl were being unfair, then I would say so and would defend my MIL. But I really think this is something for your DH to do, because it is his mum and brother and all words will be better coming from him

I think you need to find out exactly what has caused the rift as no one seems to have any idea. Perhaps your SIL is ridiculously sensitive on a certain point and your MIL has said something completely innocently. It could all be the most enormous misunderstanding that could be cleared up in an instant. Can the brothers get together to talk it through? It would be so sad if it festered and went on for any longer. Poor you - its the last thing you need right now!

Hmm! My manipulative, controlling MIL just lives for this kind of situation! She loves to pitch relative against relative and can turn on the tears like a tap. The more drama she can generate, the more people she can rope in to take her side, the happier she is.

STAY WELL OUT OF IT!!!

Both my SILs have spats with their parents from time to time, usually because of disputes over the bringing up of dogs (don't ask) - the last one resulted in my DH's elder sister not speaking to my PILs for over two years! Fortunately it got smoothed over in the end, and the grandchildren did not lose touch.

Anyway: don't get involved, try to stay neutral, try to stay in touch. You can listen to what they all have to say, but do not try to mediate, unless one of them expressly asks you to. All families have their own history and dynamics.