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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to completely disagree with hubbies bedtime routine?

16 replies

Praline · 07/03/2011 10:44

DS is now 6.5, from birth to 2 my dh was working 2 jobs 7 days a week so he would, whenever possible do bedtime routine, this has stuck now he has a normal job, and we have dd as well. HOWEVER, kids are 6 & 4, he bathes them, reads to them, kisses them goodnight - and at that point I really think he should walk away & come down. But he doesnt, he stays with each one till they are asleep, sometimes doesnt come down till 9pm, by which time I have eaten & been up some 15hours and ready fro bed. I keep asking him why, as I think they should be more independent, and he is being too soft with them, he says he enjoys the time with them, which is great, but they nned to go to sleep on their own, what are they going to do at sleepovers or Beaver camp this year?? ARGHHHH

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 07/03/2011 10:47

He doesn;t get to see them at any other time, just because you see them all the time. I think it is real sweet. It's his way of winding down, leave him be and stop moaning.

Fernie3 · 07/03/2011 10:47

Yanbu they should be able to go to sleep alone. Its nice he enjoys the time but the 6 year old especially is too old for this!

Original poster

Praline · 07/03/2011 10:51

He gets all weekend with them, and is home at half 6, so he sees them plenty. I do not see him at all.

OP posts:

Al1son · 07/03/2011 10:54

They don't need it but perhaps he does. I can't really see it causing any issues for them at camp or on sleepovers because they won't be left alone there either.

Have a think about why you object.

Is it because you think it's bad for them or is it because you think he should be spending time with you instead? By the way I think that would be perfectly reasonable but you need to tell him if that's how you feel.

Fernie3 · 07/03/2011 10:55

You need to talk to him about spending time with you. It sounds like he is avoiding it for some reason :(

Bloodymary · 07/03/2011 11:00

Its really very sweet of him, tho I really think that children of that age should be able to fall asleep on their own.

BertieBotts · 07/03/2011 11:06

It's not going to harm them. They are old enough to understand that different people have different rules, and if they go on sleepovers or to beaver camp, or if you put them to bed instead, Daddy won't be there to stay with them until they fall asleep. They will cope.

I honestly don't think this will cause a problem for your boys. However it does seem a bit unfair if you aren't getting to see him at all. Have you tried speaking to him from this angle? I wonder like Fernie says whether he is avoiding you for some reason?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/03/2011 11:08

Let your DH have his own bedtime routine, OP, you have yours. I think children benefit from a little variety in the way each parent does things, there's nothing wrong with that.

Are you just annoyed that he's not spending more time with you?

wellwisher · 07/03/2011 11:11

I think he's being a bit selfish - at 4 and 6, the dcs should be able to fall asleep by themselves. If this routine undermines that, it's more about your dh's emotional needs than the dcs' best interests. What happens if he's away or out and you do bedtime? Do they go off to sleep on their own or do they need you to stay upstairs with them?

Agree that he should try to make more grown-up time for the two of you - it's a bit odd that you are both home all evening and don't eat dinner together...

Snorbs · 07/03/2011 11:27

What's the routine when you put them to bed?

walesblackbird · 07/03/2011 11:32

I don't think YABU. At that age your children should be able to fall asleep without having him lay with them. And the problem is that when one parent does it and the other doesn't .... mummy can come out of it being the baddy.

My husband does it with one of our children - he has some behavioural problems and bedtime routines can be difficult to manage but imo it doesn't help when my dh insists on laying with him to get him to sleep. I don't/won't do it and tbh he falls asleep without my having to do that.

It's good that he wants to spend some time with them but who's he doing it for? Him or the children?

nzshar · 07/03/2011 11:49

I wouldn't be so worried about the children not going to sleep on their own more that fact that the both of you do not seem to get time together.

ursusnix · 07/03/2011 11:58

I'm up most days from 6am through to 11pm, I stay up just so my DW and I can spend a few relaxed hours together, no calls, no kids, just us.

If the DC are happy, settled and well adjusted - pat yourselves on the back for a team job well done, and you will have DC's that will love both thier parents.

It could also be his way of granting you some 'you time' - please dont assume he's 'avoiding'.

I'd also, if I were feeling like this, as myself why, and what I would be hoping to gain - its easy to percieve bedtime as the best time, maybe you'd just like to be as spoiled with attention at the end of the day.

Do talk it through though.

just my thoughts

JBellingham · 07/03/2011 12:00

He worked 2 jobs and wanted a bedtime routine with his children?
He bathes them?
He reads them to sleep?

I would get shut of him, he sounds a complete bastard.

curlymama · 07/03/2011 12:00

You need to focus on the fact that you get no time with him, rather than the fact that he is staying with the dc until they fall asleep. There is no harm in that, and as their parent, he has a right to decide to do that if he wants to.

Do you all eat together, or are you eating separately? Could you cook just for you and him and ask him to come down a bit earlier as you want to spend that time with him. Or think of something to do together in that time? If he would only be coming down away from the children to sit infront of the telly and do nothing, he doesn't have any incentive to change his routine. He probably likes to relax with his children falling asleep, so you need to think of something that will appeal to him more.

MCos · 07/03/2011 14:28

Hi OP, are the children able to fall asleep without DH staying with them? If so, the issue is you are not getting enought time together. But if they cannot fall asleep without your DH staying with them, then you have 2 problems..

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