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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not give in to ds?

14 replies

ilovespinach · 07/03/2011 09:19

Today is a special day in ds's nursery as all of the kids can go dressed up. DS1 didn't want to this morning. Instead of saying that though, he threw an almighty tantrum, kicking, shouting, screaming at me and his dad. Because ds1 didn't want to neither did ds2.

Fine I don't have a problem with him not wanting to dress up. But I do have a big problem with his reaction. He is 4.11 not a baby.

As predicted when he got to nursery and saw all of the other kids dressed up the tantrum started again as, of course, he then wanted his costume. One of the parents asked if I lived close by and could go and collect his costume. Yes, we do live nearby and yes I could have got it. But because of the way ds1 has behaved this morning I said no. He can't shout and scream and behave like a complete brat, spoil it for his brother and then expect to get his own way. AIBU?

FWIW I have had to bring him home and reschedule my appointments for today. Pehaps I shouldn't have brought him back but in the end I didn't have much choice.

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 07/03/2011 09:29

You need to stand by your decisions and make him realise that he cant behave that way and still get what he wants, so YANBU, you did the right thing. By sticking yo your guns, he will learn that tantrums arent worth the hassle (hopefully)!

Why did you have to bring him home? Thats the only thing I would have done differently, I would have left him there, but I am a uber mean mummy!

zikes · 07/03/2011 09:34

Er, I think for next time, just shove his costume in a bag and take it with you. It shouldn't have become a big deal.

I'm not saying a tantrum is acceptable, but there are usually ways of deflecting them.

I'm not sure bringing him home is a good result.

Original poster

ilovespinach · 07/03/2011 09:36

I know bogeyface....

He wouldn't stop crying and had got himself into a real state. I was too nervous to leave him there. We have been called in to discuss his bad behaviour previosly and I didn't want to leave him there to be disruptive to everyone else.

You're right though, I shouldn't have done that.... He has lost his fav toy for the day, no tv and now also doesn't get to play with his friends at nursery.

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 07/03/2011 09:38

Zikes, he didnt want it and was adamant, so why should the OP take it anyway just to keep him quiet if he kicks off again? That way he gets the reward of getting his own way despite very poor behaviour. He needs to learn that you dont get your own way by chucking a strop!

Original poster

ilovespinach · 07/03/2011 09:38

Yep we made too much of a big deal about it :(
Ds shouldn't have behaved that way though.

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 07/03/2011 09:39

I can see why you brought him home then ILS. Stick to your guns, you are doing him a favour in the long run, although I appreciate that it probably doesnt feel like it now! :)

Unwind · 07/03/2011 09:40

YANBU

zikes · 07/03/2011 09:47

Bogeyface, when he first said he didn't want to wear it, I'd have just said "I'll just chuck it in a bag in case you change your mind when we get there" and hopefully it wouldn't have developed into a tantrum in the first place.

I presumed there had been some attempt by the OP to get him to wear it that had spiralled into the tantrum rather than him going from 0 to tantrum at the first mention of the costume.

Hullygully · 07/03/2011 09:49

I agree with zikes.

Something must have been worrying him about all of it and he's very young for all those sanction things.

mummytime · 07/03/2011 09:49

Okay my DD2 could well have behaved exactly the same way. She feels very intensely if she is different to the other children. She is not sure that everyone else will be dressed up, and even though you tell her (and others do) she is not sure.

It is as if you were told that you needed to go naked to a party, and you weren't sure if the person telling you was serious. You would a) worry that they were going to make a fool of you. b) be worried that even if that was the plan then no-one else would be naked, because they would have all chickened out. Then when you got there and everyone else was naked (or wearing a chicken costume) and you weren't you would feel awkward and embarassed.

My solutions: try to make sure that DD2 has plenty of warning about costumes, and from lots of sources. For DS1 when it was wearing a Celtic costume to school, we phoned a friend so they could go together. We have also looked out for others going to reassure that it is mufti day.

Do try to think of how he is feeling. And I haven't always got it right, we have spent a lot of time with me dashing home for clothes, or DD2 sitting waiting in the head teachers office (or once when I got a very confusing email, her being changed into spare school uniform).

Good luck!

Original poster

ilovespinach · 07/03/2011 09:57

I didn't just spring it on him this morning. He was told about it on Friday for the first time.

I never tried to make him wear anything. He did just spiral into a tantrum at the first mention of it this morning.

On reflection, I should just not have said anything this morning and then taken the costume along with us to nursery. Bugger got it wrong again. It seems always to be a stuggle with ds1. He has a history of overreacting like this. Things like this should be fun right?

OP posts:

Fernie3 · 07/03/2011 10:04

My son is 4 and sometimes gets it into his head that he doesn't want to go to school and so won't get dressed or actually do anything to get to nursery. Nursery days are the one day i get peace ( well from the older two anyway!) so there is no way i am going along with that. So the morning goes like this:
He lies on the floor refuses to move or get dressed. I put food out. If its still there after 15 minutes i take it away again. I then take his pjs off even he wont and fetch the clothes basket ( each child has a clothes basket with next days clothes in so there is no room for argument). I then dress him like a baby stick his shoes on pick him him and take him to school when we get there I walk in take his coat of ( we have to settle them) say goodbye and leave. He normally snaps out of it at some point before the end of it but he has been known to go as far as the end. I hate him thinking he can dictate what he can and cant do so I may be a little mean about it sometimes i think.

zikes · 07/03/2011 10:08

No, it's easy to say what you should have done from the outside - but it's hard to predict these things and I get caught on the hop plenty myself .

If he does these tantrums like this a lot at the drop of a hat and can't be distracted from them, maybe there's something else going on. I don't know what your tactics are, but perhaps you need to look at reward systems or try something different?

mummytime · 07/03/2011 11:14

For some children things like this are fun (even some of those who make a fuss).

For others they are torture! (Which is why my DS1 would rather wear school uniform even on Muftiday, and has to be coaxed into his house t-shirt in summer even when its over 30 degrees.)

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