To think that dh is being a push over?

[loopylou6]

So today we decided to treat the dc to a lovely meal out, we all decided unanimously that we'd have Chinese. We had a choice between two restaurants, dd (6) favoured the one furthest away, she's been there once a couple of years ago. After ringing for prices and menu we chose the one nearer to us as the selection is miles better. Have just come upstairs, heard dd crying saying she wants to go to the other place could hear DH attempting to placate her by telling her this ones better bla bla bla. Dd is carrying on with her bratty whining so I go downstairs, tell her she is being ungrateful and she needs to stop whining or we won't be going anywhere, she crys more so DH starts cuddling.g her stroking her hair etc and telling her how good this place is etc I was

Dd is being a brat and he's comforting her grrr

Lol just realised how pointless this thread is, but I feel better for moaning

A simple thundering of DO YOU WANT TO GO OR DO YOU WANT TO BE LOOKED AFTER BY YOUR WARTY GREAT AUNT EDNA INSTEAD should do the job. YANBU.

YANBU, you're the grown ups here and your final say is, well, final.

Have to say though - did you initially ask her which one she would prefer, and that's why she chose the further one? Because you were perhaps asking for trouble by then doing further research and discounting her opinion IYSWIM.

Yadnbu

we may share a dd by the sound of it.

Sympathies.

Thank you :) heart, no we didn't offer a choice as to where we where going, only the type of food we will be eating.
She can be such a brat its unreal, other times she's the picture of model behaviour

YANBU - ask him if he still fancies letting her wrap him round her little finger and get her own way when she's fifteen and wants to wear a skirt half way up her bum and stay out all night [stops for breath!]

He is enabling her behaviour. She should be grateful for being allowed to choose the food. You choose the venue. Anything over and above that is allowing her age-inappropriate control over family matters.

YANBU. My answer would be, you go where we say we are going or you dont go at all. Make your mind up now.

Ah I see, in that case YANBU in the slightest! Sympathies BTW, my DD is starting to get one hell of an attitude. Trying very hard not to give in at all.

YANBU at all.

Ds has been known to behave similarly.

YANBU

She's a child. They'll always try to pester and manipulate to get their way anytime they're thwarted. But they need to learn that the world does not work like that, and that they're storing up heartache for their future selves if that sort of behaviour becomes a habit. They need to realise that No from an authority-figure means exactly that: No. They have to get used to the fact that we don't always get what we want in this world and to accept it with good grace.

Your DH is preventing her from learning these valuable lessons, and also sending her signals that men can be emotionally "worked". Obviously, Daddy can, but this is not healthy, and sooner or later will probably lose her a man she really wants.

Stand your ground. And try to get DH to support you, not only for your child's sake but also so that you don't always end up being the Bad Cop.

YANBU - its good for children to learn that they cannot always have their own way

YAB a bit U.

I think that your DH is actually dealing with it in a nice way tbh. He's not "giving in", if he was he would be saying "it's ok dd, we'll go to the place you want". He's just trying to explain the choice to her and empathise a bit if I have read your OP correctly. I think that's nice!

As long as he does not give in to her, then I don't see the problem.

I often cuddle my lads while telling them that I understand they are upset, but it's just tough luck

You can refuse to give into them while cuddling and comforting them.

In fact, I think that's better than refusing to give into them in a shouty, confrontational way.

It says I love you, I acknowledge your feelings, but as the adult, I have made the decision.

YANBU. DD (4.6) does this kind of thing regularly and DH is a total pushover with her, it's ridiculous. When she was born people made the usual 'oh she'll have you wrapped round her little finger' comments and he was adamant that the very notion was idiotic. Fast foward a few years and she starts with the huge sobs (not a tear in sight) and he does whatever she wants. It astounds me.

I thought the OP was saying that the husband did not give in? But rather hugged her and told her what a nice time they'd have at the place they were going to?

I see giving in to them as saying "Ok darling, we'll change our plans and go where you want to go" not "I love you, but tough. we're still going here, you'll enjoy it." (basically )

Good point, Hecate. But I still think the child needs to be taught to deal with things not going the way she wants them to without whining and crying. Accepting the lumps is part of life-training, and there's not always going to be someone around to mollycoddle you. She is getting reinforcement in the idea that making a fuss gains her something. It looks like bratty behaviour to me, and I don't think it should be rewarded with any sort of approval-signals.

Also, as you all know, kids complain about stuff fifty times a day, but usually if it gets them nowhere they just get over it (and find something else to whinge about). It's the old ignore-the-fuss-and-they'll-give-up strategy and surprisingly often, it works. Excessive comforting just adds fuel to the fire.

LoopyLou: What did you guys do in the end? Did you go out to the restaurant nearer to you? And how did your daughter deal with it?

I disagree Lee32. (Also btw I made the point about him not having given in earlier in the thread, Miss..!)

But anyway, I disagree. I wouldn't ignore anyone who was upset about something, let alone a 6 yr old. I think it is a nice, humane way of dealing with it tbh. I think empathy is a positive quality to be modelling to his children.

I disagree.

I think it is important to acknowledge someone's feelings and their right to their feelings, even if they have to accept that their feelings will not change the outcome.

I wouldn't say to an adult "It doesn't matter how you feel. Tough." I'd say "I'm sorry you feel that way / I'm sorry you're upset" or try to explain my reasons. At the end of the day, their upset wouldn't turn a no into a yes, but I would not tell them how they felt was of no importance to me.

And I wouldn't tell a child that either.

I disagree Lee, not Cat, btw

I agree with you, Cat

Wow its still going We went to the one I wanted to go to, she was fine, said it was just like the other one .

I dont agree with comforting a child who is presenting bratty behaviour, that would mean that I am accepting that behaviour and I wont because its naughty.

We're all different though, the world would be a boring place otherwise

Plus she had no real reason for wanting to go to the other place, shes been once before and she wouldnt of even remembered it properly, she just had one on her and was trying to control.

Well, I found that around 6/7 my normally co-operative if feisy daughter was like this a lot. She just wanted to control lots of things, refused to do things unless X or Y happened and so on. I think being calm but persistent in your boundaries is the way to go. I think if your husband comforted her once or twice, then walked away it's better than pleading with a child, but equally you may find the 'we're doing this, tough shit' school of parenting starts to fall down as they become more independent unless you want to engage in a lot of power struggles.