Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To keep turning down invitations

25 replies

StupidRecluse · 06/03/2011 09:44

because I feel too fat?
Today, I cancelled a lunch invite with loads of people as I look so horrible. I tried loads of stuff on and I look awful.
I've cancelled invites loads of times and have especially avoided seeing my childless friends who I've known for years when I was slim.
I just can't seem to stick to a diet though but I really want to look nice again and get back to having a social life.
I'm just having a moan.
I put this in aibu so I get some arse-kicking responses

OP posts:

BlueCat2010 · 06/03/2011 09:49

YABU

Get yourself a Wii and use it every day, have fruit in the house to snack on rather than junk, get yourself a new outfit that hides your flabby bits and get your butt out of the door!

If they judge you cos you put on a bit a weight then they aren't worth having as friends!

Consider your arse kicked!

Queenofchaos · 06/03/2011 09:51

YABU

Real friends won't care what you look like but if you keep cancelling on them, eventually they'll stop inviting you. Call them back, say you're coming and go out and enjoy yourself!

Bogeyface · 06/03/2011 09:55

These are friends so presumably will support you when you say that you feel you need to lose weight?

And what happens when you do lose weight and have no one to go out with because your friends are all pissed off at you dumping them? Go shopping for a couple of outfits that make you feel good and save them for going out in.

Why cant you stick to a diet? Are you feeling down and comfort eating? If thats the case then maybe a visit to the docs is in order to see if there isnt more to it. Otherwise, dont focus on dieting as such, just try to limit your junk intake and up your exercise.

And go out!

WriterofDreams · 06/03/2011 09:56

YABU but I can understand how you feel. You are however required to go out for lunch today and MN hoardes will be very angry with you if you don't! Friends couldn't give a hoot if you're fat, it's only you that cares. Consider it a favour to them that you're accepting their invitation and do it as a duty to your friendship. Once you're out you'll have a great time :)

Original poster

StupidRecluse · 06/03/2011 10:03

I knew I would hear the voice of reason here

I can't lose weight as I comfort eat too much. I don't gain weight but I can't shift the 2 stone I need to.
I don't even know why I comfort eat too much.
My life appears so together to everyone else. When I was having a whinge about not losing weight one of my friends said to me that she couldn't understand why I can't lose weight as I seem to be so organised and efficient at everything else.
(thats not meant to sound smug or boastful or anything. I hope it doesn't come across like that. Just that I can't seem to lose weight when I seem to be able to work at everything else)
It really makes me feel miserable.

OP posts:

Original poster

StupidRecluse · 06/03/2011 10:05

I really can't go today as the excuse I gave would ensure I couldn't make it.

OP posts:

MillsAndDoom · 06/03/2011 10:08

I've struggled with my weight all my adult life, so I'm not much good at offering you weight / food advice.

Don't keep cancelling invitations - your friends are your friends they don't care what you look like.

Queenofchaos · 06/03/2011 10:09

What did you say?!

Are they close friends? i.e could you just admit that you were lying because you were self conscious about your weight and tell them you've changed your mind?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/03/2011 10:10

I hear you, OP. Make a resolution to yourself that YOU will arrange the next outing and fix the date with your friends NOW.

Then, if you want to, start keeping a diary of what you're eating and determine that you'll lose one or two pounds a week, that's all. You only need a deficit of 500 calories each day for a pound off a week. If you keep a diary, you'll be able to eat the things that you want to (but not in the same quantities perhaps) and take the weight off without the pain of depriving yourself.

If you don't lose the weight, these are your friends and they want to see YOU. Make an appointment at the hair dressers, get your makeup done - and wear something that you know flatters you. Whatever your size, there is always something that looks better on you than something else. Go with what suits you best.

Don't keep making excuses to your friends, you are doing them (and yourself) a huge disservice.

Was that a kick up the bum?

Carrotsandcelery · 06/03/2011 10:12

For many very together and organised people comfort eating is a form of rebellion. They behave as perfect citizens but the little devil inside them has to break out sometimes so it happens in little rebellious trips to the biscuit tin (or whatever...)

Could the solution to "dieting" be less control and more letting your hair down? Do you need to get blazing drunk now and again and do something ridiculous? Do you need to say "no" to anyone or just ignore them? Do you need something that is utterly selfish and just for yourself?

I also agree that good friends would only be concerned for your misery and not judgemental about weight gain at all.

fivegomadinthelambingshed · 06/03/2011 10:13

Quite frankly if I was your frind I wouldn't give a toss about what you looked like, but Iw ould be very pissed offf that you cancelled coming to lunch at very short notice when I had put time and money and effort into cooking you something.

True friends are helpful and supportive.

I am 17st by the way.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/03/2011 10:13

Sorry... that post reads as if it's all sooo easy... it isn't, I know.

thomasbodley · 06/03/2011 10:13

Don't go today - it sounds like you're feeling fragile and perhaps the MN arsekickers aren't really what you need just now.

Can you see one of your more talkative (gossipy) friends one on one, and turn off your happy face when you're with her? Tell her you've been a bit down in the dumps for ages and try talking through your feelings with her.

The hope is that she will both offer a friendly ear/shoulder to cry on, and also afterwards tell your other friends that you're struggling. If they're any friends worth having, they will be more compassionate towards you.

In terms of the comfort eating - how about keeping a diary of your feelings instead? Or getting some counselling? And getting rid of tempting foods and buying a pedometer so you can start taking control in a (literally) small step-by-step way?

ragged · 06/03/2011 10:14

If you're having a nice outing with your friends, aren't you less likely to comfort eat? Isn't that a good way to get out of the habit of comfort eating?

gorionine · 06/03/2011 10:18

Yabu

They invited you because they enjoy your company and ov=bviously are not bothered one bit about what you look like! If they were they would not want to be seen with you!

I also agree with ragged a lunch out with friends might boost your confidence and do you more good than harm.

ledkr · 06/03/2011 10:19

I am starting top feel that way op,i have just had dd 5wks and she was my 4th i was massive had a section and am fairly old so the belly is still quite big (not to mention my arse) i cant fit in to any of my clothes and 2 people have asked if i am pg-idiots as i had pram with me with tiny baby in it.
I have a trip to the races planned in 2 wks and a weding in June and i am dreading them both,i am starting a diet this week and some gentle exercise.

I thik you should do a gok and get some good hold in undies and maybe some flattering black jeans and a funky top and heels and get your hair done too,people are more interested in how they look when you are out.Look up online how to do a great make up too,it will all help.Good luck x

HelensMelons · 06/03/2011 10:20

if you don't break this cycle of self punishment you are going to end up falling off people's invite lists, losing friends and becoming much, more reclusive. I don't think thats what you really want.

Stop buying the crap food. Stop buying it, don't put it in your trolley/basket, whatever.

Replace it with tastier, healthier stuff and instead of ruminating get out of the house and exercise, walk, get a dog.

Your friends want to see you, they want you in their company. You need to stop sabotaging that.

Good luck x

foreverondiet · 06/03/2011 10:20

Do you want sympathy or a kick.

If a kick - buy the shred DVD, make a committment to do it each day plus join myfitnesspal or similar and log EVERY SINGLE THING that goes into your mouth.

Listen to Paul McKenna or similar (slimpod) each day to give yourself the willpower you need.

I have been dieting since October, yes its hard, but I now have lost almost 3 stone (almost at target) I now look much better have more confident and generally feel better.

Original poster

StupidRecluse · 06/03/2011 10:24

It wasn't a lunch being cooked at home. I'd feel really bad if I cancelled short notice on something like that!
It was a large get together at a hall. I just couldn't face seeing that many people and feeling like I looked crap.

I hear you all. Sometimes you just need someone to say 'Listen, its quite straight forward to lose weight. Just do this and get on with it'

I've realised that I've been self indulgent to an extent by cancelling on people who are making an effort.

I do need an arse kicking as I don't want to keep doing this. Its getting poblematic hence the more supposedly convincing excuses I need!

OP posts:

ChippedChinaTeaCup · 06/03/2011 10:29

I was you 3 years ago. Now I've lost weight but have slmost no one to socialise with. Seroously your friends dont care how you look!

Get out there!!!!!

FetchezLaVache · 06/03/2011 12:08

OP, please stop worrying about your weight- IME, it's when you stop making food a huge issue that it starts to drop off you without you even noticing it! Will the budget stretch to a couple of flattering outfits, a haircut and maybe some new make-up? Then, when you look fab, ring the friends you just cancelled on and REARRANGE.

beesimo · 06/03/2011 14:01

I can understand how you feel yesterday I received my order from m and s which contained some size 20 big pants I had ordered, my sister and I were in fits of laughter they were HUGE I decided to try them on as a joke and guess what the fitted perfectly. It was the first time I had really looked at myself semi naked since last summer what a shocker! Very few of us are at our best after a long long winter comfort eating. Had to go to a wedding dance last night feeling completely poo about myself, put on a happy face smiled and laughed all night. I am sure quite a few people did the same try not to compare how you feel on the inside with how people appear to be on the outside don't sit at home it will only make you more fedup. Accept every invitation its a compliment that people want your company if just the beautiful looking people were allowed friends and a social life there would be a awful lot of empty pubs!

TheVisitor · 06/03/2011 14:10

I've made the decision to throw away my scales and to never diet again, as I'm sick of being so critical about myself. Yes, I'm a bit on the lardy side, but I'm just going to go with it and not feel guilty. I'll exercise and eat well, but won't deny myself the occasional treat. Oddly enough, I'm comfort eating less as I'm not punishing myself anymore. Next time, wear the outfit you feel best in and get out there. Your friends want your company, not your figure.

FabbyChic · 06/03/2011 14:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

blinks · 06/03/2011 14:17

i recently lost 1.5 stone (actually i did it as part of a TV programme) and this is how i did it.

threw the scales away.

focus more on exercise rather than eating.

try to eat sensibly but allow yourself at least a day a week where you're completely relaxed about food.

a few times a week have no carbs at dinner time.

no breakfast cereal and less fruit juice, more water.

drink loads of water.

give yourself an aim eg running a 5k in 2 months time.

measure your arms/bust/waist/hips and thighs at the beginning and remeasure every 4 weeks.

replace biscuits with more healthy alternatives eg lovely choc chip Nairn oatcakes.

allow yourself a few squares of 70% chocolate if need a chocolate fix.

exercise wise i've been walking about 40mins twice a week, doing a davina workout roughly 4 times a week (about 30mins per workout) and i do a zumba class and/or a body combat class once a week if i can fit it in.

Flip