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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop going to a Toddler group because it is clicky

24 replies

PeachesandStrawberry · 05/03/2011 23:27

Background:

I started going to my local toddler group back in June. It was just round the corner so thought it would be a good place to take my 2 year DS.

The first 4 weeks I went nobody spoke to me apart from the ladies who did the coffee and one of the organisers. Everyone else sat in their groups and I was wondering where to join.

Just before we broke up for summer one of the mums spoke to me and she seemed really nice so I decided to give it a few more goes.

However since I have been going, nothing much has changed. Not many people speak to me, I have tried making conversation, but it doesn't seem to go anywhere and sometimes I speak to one person and then they blank me the next week.

Also my DS prefers to run around and he is a very strong willed little boy. So when it is time to put the toys away he will throw a tantrum.

When that has happened I have had the other women stare at me and I can feel that they are looking at me as if I am a bad mother.

I decided to go elsewhere, but my mother thinks I should go back and when DS has a tantrum, confront the people who are staring and say how unfriendly this group is. I am not sure as I don't think it would make any difference.

Not an AIBU as such, but a WWYD.

OP posts:
EricNorthmansMistress · 05/03/2011 23:29

I wouldn't go back, and definitely don't go back to tell them they are a bunch of bitches! Will make you look mental.

And it's 'cliquey' - sorry :)

aurorastargazer · 05/03/2011 23:29

i'm sorry you had sucha rough time no real advice sorry Smile (((hugs)))

LisamumtoJake · 05/03/2011 23:30

hmm sounds the same as the one i went to! I wouldn't personally go back, just because it's gruelling experience and i doubt whether confronting them will make any difference, as i'm sure they are aware you're sitting on your own every week!

worraliberty · 05/03/2011 23:31

Well when I took mine to toddler group (many moons ago) I took them so they could socialise and play. I didn't even give a second thought to whether or not I'd make friends myself.

They used to create merry hell when it was time to leave just as yours does, but I never gave a second thought to the staring...just assumed they were sympathetic looks as most toddlers tend to do that at first.

Jaydles · 05/03/2011 23:32

Urgh I hate bitchy toddler groups give your son some smarties and a can of coke and send him in like a little whirling dervish and watch whilst he causes utter carnage...show them some bad parenting and then never go back :)
Seriously though is there a friend or a neighbour you could invite with you? If not I would just go to a different one or stick it out until new mums start and the cliquey ones move on

fifi25 · 05/03/2011 23:33

I done all this with first 2. No 1 was ok as i knew people, no 2 was awful as all the other mothers knew each other and even the kids were all friends. No 3 2.7 has never set foot in a playgroup. She will go to nursery but it hasnt done her any harm Smile

SeeJaneKick · 05/03/2011 23:35

God my local one is the same...luckily it's quite big and has crafts and things so DD and I stay busy.

But its so mean of these people to not be friendly.

Try another...we are!

I'm a second time Mum and have seen it before...but if I had had this with my first I wouldhave hated it!

Don't worry though it gets better when they begin school.

Serenity788 · 05/03/2011 23:36

Haha there's always the 'look'. From the mum with the 'perfect child' in thencase of our toddler group this horrible
woman made an old lady cry by shouting at her for her child taking a biscuit they leave out for the kids and shouted at my friend
for her 18month old hitting her 4 year old after her 4 year old snatched a toy... Yeh they aren't actually perfect parents, just
oblivious to their own flaws

pigletmania · 05/03/2011 23:37

YANBU dont go back, why subject yourself to that. I knew one like that, went once and did not go back.

Original poster
PeachesandStrawberry · 05/03/2011 23:37

Thanks. I go to other groups and when DS kicks off, nobody stares or they sympathise.

Jaydles sound good, DS would love it if I gave him coke, the thing is he would want it all the time.

I went once when it was snowing and only 2 others showed up. They knew each other and they just ignored me. One just said that I would have to get my own chair and then turned back to speaking to her friend.

OP posts:
Serenity788 · 05/03/2011 23:38

Ps on the starers front my son has autism (as well as many other probs) and at nearly 5 will consistently have meltdown in public. I greet the stares with 'he has sn, what's your excuse?' maybe you could say 'he's 2 he's still learning how to be polite... shouldn't you know by now?'

Jaydles · 05/03/2011 23:40

That is not cliquey that is bloody rude! I go to 2 toddler groups and would never ignore anyone, we place all the chairs out at the beginning in like a big circle and people just sit where there children are playing its a bit like musical chairs!

bibbitybobbityhat · 05/03/2011 23:42

You mean its cliquey. Clicky is not a word, click is a noise, not an exclusive group of people.

No need to go to any toddler group at all if you are not enjoying it.

legaleagle21 · 05/03/2011 23:45

Well i empathise completely my little boy hate anything bit running amok and playing. He eont tidy up, sit in the singling circle or sit down for snack. all the other mums seems to be in a click and all their kids seem to be so placid they must be on valium.

Its up to you if you go back or not but if you do -DO NOT confront them - that would be social suicide!

I would just keeping trying to make conversation - I;d start with the leader and any mums of kids your child plays with (if he is anything like mine though- it is more like mums of children hie chooses to assult- for not reason.)

SwingOutSisters · 05/03/2011 23:48

Just ignore the stupid prats, this so typical of peoples behaviour these days, dont worry about it, if your child is happy thats the main thing, take a book to read or laptop and enjoy your world.

gaelicsheep · 05/03/2011 23:48

I have come to the conclusion that to have any chance of integrating with a toddler group you have to start going when your DC is a baby. No one can resist a baby so people talk to you. When your DC is a toddler they're one of many and you do often get ignored.

But it also totally depends on the group. I love my toddler group, but I have been to two others in the past and found them full of the kinds of mothers that I now steer cleer of. Cliquey, unfriendly and plain rude.

Millie1206 · 05/03/2011 23:51

Aw don't be mean, cliquey/ clicky we all know what she meant, she's having a hard enough time as it is! I'd just stop going tbh, or like others have said maybe leave it a couple of months until there's a bit of natural wastage and a few new mums.

terrystyg · 05/03/2011 23:51

Are you in norfolk by any chance? That is such norfolk behaviour. If not bet you are definitely south of the watford
gap.

gaelicsheep · 05/03/2011 23:55

Or in North Yorkshire. Honestly these types of women are everywhere. When I had my first I naively thought that I had something in common with other mothers, shared experience etc. I soon realised that women do not stop being total cows just because they have children. If you had nothing in common before, you still have nothing in common.

fifi25 · 05/03/2011 23:58

My middle daughter hated going, she was ok in the preschool when i stayed but once i had to leave her for the nursery sessions she became very unhappy. I started lurking after i had dropped her off and she would sit by herself. I then started going along to collect her earlier and she would be by herself.

She ended up going into reception with the large group of girls from the nursery. She made a friend from a different nursery, they became very close and she enjoyed school. The other girl then moved house and schools. She is always left out and hates school. I think the pre school done her more harm than good socially.

The oldest is in a big group of friends who all went to nursery together, 2 of them are sleeping here now. I think it can really affect some kids tbh Smile

Original poster
PeachesandStrawberry · 06/03/2011 00:20

Thanks for all your support.

I didn't think it would be a good idea to confront them either, I don't think it would change anything.

DS hasn't got any friends there, he just goes and plays with different toys and some of the older kids exclude him and push past him.

It's a shame because I would have liked some local friends and for DS as mine live far away.

I'm in Croydon at the moment.

OP posts:
gaelicsheep · 06/03/2011 00:38

I really feel for you and your DS. Sounds so similar to my first two attempts. I suspect that anyone you would want to be friends with has probably also stopped going. There must be Mnetters near you though. Have you tried the local board for a meet up?

TysonNobdie86 · 06/03/2011 00:46

Croydon? Im surprised its not Northampton! I have learnt to hate toddler groups unless its a surestart group! I have never been made to feel so awkward as to when i went to a parent and tots group.

Original poster
PeachesandStrawberry · 06/03/2011 00:50

Gaelic

There was 1 lady there who felt the same as me, we ended up talking and seemed to get on. This was just before Xmas. She has not been back since the New Year.
She was looking after her great niece so that may have changed.

Maybe will try a local meetup. Thanks

OP posts:
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