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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by this

48 replies

Serenity788 · 05/03/2011 21:36

My dp has gone out tonight with some friends I have never met... Not a problem. We have a ds with severe sn who is demanding u need time out from this

on going I said don't be back too late, he said what's reasonable? I said 2am...bear in mind it was 6pm when he left

anyway I get a call off his phone so I answer and it's his mate.. Who I don't know, telling me they are going to be out till 5am...

Now my problem is this...dp didn't tell me himself, he put me in an awkward situation with his mate who doesn't know me. Made me feel rubbish and I told him such. Then I get a text saying I don't trust him and I'm treating him like my ex (cheating scum)

Him being out wasn't the issue it was the phonecall off his friend. And then tomorrow he'll be sleeping and grumpy all day no doubt. Now we have had a fight and he's gone out I don't even know what's going on. :(

OP posts:
legaleagle21 · 05/03/2011 22:30

Totally unreasonable - he is being a tit

lovenamechange100 · 05/03/2011 22:43

Reply to OP only, not read thread. YANBU thata reaklly cowardly to get his friend to ring, I wud be annotyed to.

Mybe you need to address why cudnt he say this to you and in turn why you dont want hime out til that time (obvious I wouldnt like it DS(5)) and why he presumably thinks its ok.

does he feel he needs to mark his spot so to speak with these new friends?

Jaydles · 05/03/2011 22:46

It was a surprise collection I can't recall she had to do it more than once :) haha to 'tap that'
I do however think that to expect to come in at 5am is pushing his luck, my OH has done this 3 times each time when I have been about 8 months pregnant with each child. He didn't give me warning he just didn't come home until 6am I think it was. He reckoned it was because he never gets to go out, we discussed this and he soon realised he was being v.childish and now is always home by 2/3am

Original poster
Serenity788 · 05/03/2011 22:50

Love they aren't new friends they are work mates... And he's worked in the same place for years... I think it was all a bit of peer pressure maybe lol

jaydles I think it's the same with him he doesn't go out much... When he's out with me though we have to go home at midnight as he is 'tired' maybe I'm just boring?? Lol

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crystalglasses · 05/03/2011 22:52

Call me old fashioned but I don't know why a grown man in a solid and settled relationship would need to be out with his friends until 5am, leaving his do at home. Where was he? What sort of pubs and clubs are open until that time?

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 05/03/2011 22:52

YANBU He is being pathetic and spineless hiding behind his mates.

You have two options...

a. lock the door so he can't get in.

b. make him get up tomorrow. If he wants to stay out that's his choice, he still has responsibilities to his family that he has to face up to tomorrow.

If he can't do both then he doesn't stay out so late.

crystalglasses · 05/03/2011 22:53

do - Sorry - meant dp

Original poster
Serenity788 · 05/03/2011 22:59

Crystal... Apparently the gay bars are... Which is where he is tonight with his mate who is gay... I've never been but my friend who is gay is there tonight so I'm sure I'd hear if they weren't lol... But I'm sure he is telling the truth... Ty for agreeing though :)

chaos I couldn't lock the door think of the neighbors... lol drunkern man banging in the door can't look good... But I told him that ds WOULD be repeatedly singing pop goes the weasle untill dp joins in (as usual) in the morning and I WONT be stopping him lol

OP posts:
lovenamechange100 · 05/03/2011 23:02

OH seren I went mental cos mine stayed out til 4am one morning when I thoughjt he was comming home at 12. its disrepsectful and he was adamant ai was being unreasonable, when he wnent work everyone was in bother (male and female off partners) and he sent me flowers. Its not that he stayed out late, tis me more often out than him and likely to be in a state (well not so much lately) its that he just didnt bloody well tell me.

I think its realted to the assumption that you cant handle it and will go mad. I think if he offers you a break' in return next weekend this is ok, but I dont get whyhe got mate to ring either cowardly or 'boys together' and he was conforming to peer group.

Its not great but I would tell him how it mafe you feel and let it go.

Do you feel rensentful in anyway, ie do you get time off to go out?

I garantee there are other WAGS at home peed off the same.

lovenamechange100 · 05/03/2011 23:06

Oh no locking doors is so silly and cuase too much attention and fuss for house, if you really are peed off and want to make your point you have to think of somthing better than this.

Taike yoursleved off for the day for an acticivity and visit, dont be around. Its easier then not to get dran into discusion. If you must.

Jaydles · 05/03/2011 23:06

I don't think it's the question of what he is up to, well it wasn't for me it was more who is expected to look after the kids in the morning. Basically he gets the night off to party and then the day off to recover leaving me to do all the childcare that pissed me off. Agree with the not locking the door my OH would just keep knocking until the oldest DS woke up and let him in!

Original poster
Serenity788 · 05/03/2011 23:09

No I don't resent him going out at all I want him to... It's good for him to go and blow off steam he does a lot for us! I don't go out much but I'm sure he wouldn't mind if I wanted a night out too (although maybe not untill 5am) lol

OP posts:
lovenamechange100 · 05/03/2011 23:10

Gay men tend to have less domestic responsibilities and have a more carefree lisfestle IN THIS RESPECT having lived with two gay men. So yesm I could magine they would be oh just ring anf tell her.

I have stayed out till 5 am before as we went to casino after nightclub, this was after I had DS too, DH has done this for and I HAVE DONE THIS FOR HIM soory for capts

Original poster
Serenity788 · 05/03/2011 23:12

Your right jaydles although I normally do the morning shift anyway (he's a night person so does the cleaning up after tea bits)

It's more a... Have the guts to tell me yourself or don't bloody do it and don't suggest a stranger minds ds while I go out and get pissed because I'm NOT that sort of mummy (the stranger bit, I know wine is good sometimes lol)

OP posts:
Tuppence2 · 05/03/2011 23:13

there's blowing off steam though, and there's taking the piss... He asked for a reasonable time to come back and you said 2am! I think that's more than reasonable. Your ds is both of your responsibility, not just yours. To even suggest 5am shows he's not being considerate, let alone getting his mate to do it! Bet he said something like he wasn't allowed to stay out til 5am, but if his mate rang, you wouldn't say no!

Original poster
Serenity788 · 05/03/2011 23:15

Thanks love :) I don't mind his friend he was drunk and when i angrily hung up he said sorry... I just don't think dp should have let that happen... 'hi it's x dp wants to stay out till 5am' urrm where's dp? 'he feels awful' so fookin tell me yourself then! Lol 5am isn't the issue it was that call

OP posts:
SwingOutSisters · 05/03/2011 23:16

men are selfish pigs give them an inch they take a mile
unreasonable behaviour do the same back to him see how he likes it.

Original poster
Serenity788 · 05/03/2011 23:17

Lol tuppence... He says his mate just took his phone and I said 'what wrestled it out of your hand?' n he said 'urrrrr noooo wellll I just thought' yeh I know what you thought, lol

OP posts:
Original poster
Serenity788 · 05/03/2011 23:18

Lol swing I wish ihad the staminer for a night like that with ds and full time work.....

OP posts:
Tryharder · 05/03/2011 23:21

I'm going to go against the thread here a bit and say that he behaved like a naughty teenager (getting his mate to ring etc) because you treated him like one by policing his night out, telling him what time he had to be home etc....You are his partner, not his mum.

YA both BU.

legaleagle21 · 05/03/2011 23:21

Understand it was the call that is what would have annoyed me - so childish

SwingOutSisters · 05/03/2011 23:22

we should all be treated like equals, but men just dont want this, very one-sided.

Original poster
Serenity788 · 05/03/2011 23:25

Maybe tryharder but I only asked him nit to be dead late as Sunday is the only day we get together... And coz of waking ds (bad sleeper due to spd) up. And also we have 0 money...

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