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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be flippin furious that MIL refuses to help with my kids at all now she's got another grandchild?

20 replies

boomummy · 05/03/2011 19:59

Have to share before I blow a major blood vessel.
Never had much help from MIL but now there's a new grandchild on the scene she's told us she can't cope with my lovelies (aged 2 and 4) and so can't help us at ALL - but has my SIL and small baby round every day and babysits for them all the time.
We don't usually even bother asking her for help, but could really use the support at the moment. DH was laid off before Christmas and I have possibility of taking more hours at my work, but am worried sick about what'll happen to the kids while I'm working and DH job hunts / does interviews / hopefully finds work.
My mum is great but has other family commitments so can't always be there.
I thought MIL might help us a bit in a crisis, but she's said no.
Don't know whether to cry, or go round and slap her!

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 05/03/2011 20:00

She obviously just thinks that people with very small babies need more help.

mercibucket · 05/03/2011 20:04

did you need her help on a specific day and ask and she said no or are you thinking about the odd day in the future for job interviews or as a longer term childcare option?

tbh, sounds like you're best off imagining she lives a long long way away and can't help out in day to day situations - you need a group of mums who can help out instead - playgroup friends etc. there's always other mums in the same situation and you could help each other out

rainbowinthesky · 05/03/2011 20:05

A 2 and 4 year old is far harder to look after than a tiny baby.

MrsvWoolf · 05/03/2011 20:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

squeakytoy · 05/03/2011 20:09

She is your husbands mother, so why cant he speak to her about it?

LadyBiscuit · 05/03/2011 20:12

Maybe she's one of those women who think that her daughter's children are more important as grandchildren than her son's?

If your DH isn't working at the moment, then has he asked her to have the children if he has an interview?

I don't think going round and slapping her is the right answer. Grandparents aren't under any obligation to provide childcare - as you say, your mother has other family commitments.

Wikileeks · 05/03/2011 20:13

Where is it written that Grandparents HAVE to help though ? also its her own Daughter just had a baby,you have your Mum too anyway... so yes,I think you are unreasonable to expect anyone,even your own parents to child mind.

Boomerangme · 05/03/2011 20:14

Like your mum, it seems that she has other family commitments. Are you as angry with your own mum because SHE can't help or just with your MIL because she's your MIL?

Needanewname · 05/03/2011 20:15

YABU, neither my parents or in laws live close enough to help, it is not their job to help either, it would be lovely but wouldn't afect my relationship with them.

I think you need to calm down and find a way for you to look after your children, apologies if that sounds harsh

Boomerangme · 05/03/2011 20:18

Like your mum, it seems that she has other family commitments. Are you as angry with your mum because SHE can't help or just with your MIL because she's your MIL?

runnyhabbit · 05/03/2011 20:20

Been there, bought the t-shirt.

Really upset me at the time, as mil didn't even tell me directly, just kept dropping me in it at the last minute with childcare(and then finding out she was looking after her other gc)

Totally agree with mercibucket about imagining she lives a distance away. My mil helps out now with overnight babysitting, and makes a weekend of it, iyswim.

Also, ime, anything to do with pil, is best with by dh.

hidenseek · 05/03/2011 20:21

If she doesn't want to help, there's not much of an argument to be had, since she doesn't have to help. If, however, we're talking about her not seeing the children in any sense, and seeing the new baby all the time, that's something I'd have to take issue with.

Youllskimmer · 05/03/2011 20:23

My mum helped and still helps, my MIL didn't and I never saw it as her job to help.

It's her choice what she does.

Goblinchild · 05/03/2011 20:25

You really feel like slapping someone because they won't help you with your children?
I think you will just have to work out what your responsibilities are and get used to it.
Other people helping is voluntary, your reaction would piss me off if I was her.
Explaining the situation and asking for temporary support without a sense of entitlement would perhaps work better. She has no obligation to be bullied and manipulated into a role.

Original poster
boomummy · 05/03/2011 20:29

She wouldn't help us when ours were tiny either - they were the first grandchildren and she seemed terrified to touch them in case they broke or made a nasty smell!
Mercibucket, I asked if she'd help us out, in an emergency. Even despite her previous reluctance, I was a bit gob-smacked that she said no!

MIL doesn't listen to DH either - I get the impression she never did even when he was a child! She seems to much prefer her daughters. That's probably where all this comes from.

I like the thought that she's far away!
I have been very comforted by a mum I hardly know in the playground who offered her help.
I should be grateful for lovely new friends (who you can choose) who make up for relatives (who you can't!). :o

OP posts:
pranma · 05/03/2011 20:31

My dgs are 4 and 2-I love them so very much and have the youngest one day a week and the 4 yr old one afternoon[after school].I just cant cope with both together easily.I do do it when needed but its just too exhausting and worrying to take on regularly.Also,like it or not,a mother does feel closest to her dd and her dc.You have your own mum to help.I hope you can accept this-I'm sure m-i-l will help out occasionally.

Goblinchild · 05/03/2011 20:31

Perhaps she finds you a terrifying and judgemental DIL who would be easily upset and aggressive if things didn't work out, so she keeps her distance?

NinkyNonker · 05/03/2011 20:32

What about your mother? You mention she has family commitments, much like your MIL it seems.

runnyhabbit · 05/03/2011 20:36

Ok, I didn't fully read the OPBlush

Your dh is laid off atm? Therefore mil probably doesn't see any reason why she's needed (and I agree with her tbh) I'm sure she'd help out when your dh goes to interviews, esp if he asks her.

And I know that GP are not obliged to help out with childcare, but nearly all my friends use GP as regular childcare (whether once a week or once a month). I would say every parent that doesn't/can't use GP, there is another parent that does

Original poster
boomummy · 05/03/2011 20:39

Yes I know I'm lucky to have my mum to help some of the time, I know there are people who don't.
And no, I didn't try to bully her, or demand anything. Actually, I tried to confide in her that we're worried sick about all the work issues.

OP posts:
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