Am 40 in one week - am now spinning, help.

[carocaro]

Have been totally fine until now about being 40. But now I am spinning. Out of control.

I think it's because I am over thinking everything, my last DS starts school in September and after 9 years of having kids and working a bit I will have to get serious with job and money, which scares me hugely, getting back on the wagon so to speak.

Also my Dad died when he was 50 and I think FUCK, ten more years, he must have felt so young. He was also around when it was my last landmark birthday when I was 21 and I still remember what he said to me and I have the card he gave me and looked at it last night and cried buckets.

And I am going to be fat and forty, which I vowed never to be, but hey ho I am, not that much, does it really matter?

I loved my 20's working life and my 30's having children, so I should be embracing my 40's but I am hiding behind a large bush from it whilst it pulling me like a magnet.

Also as far as I know there is nothing planned by DH, we have no £ at present due to redundancy, not expecting diamonds and pearls but lets just say he's never been that creative or fun with birthdays of the past, so my expectations are low for even anything low cost meets thoughtfull. I'll get a text of my brother (whoopee) at the very most.

My Mum is great and wants to contribute to getting a new hall carpet, which is nice and I am greatfull, but we don't have the cash for a carpet, one stair even. She's more worried about her grandchildren going up and down wooden carpetless stairs and landing, splinters etc, which they have had none. A carpet contributions, really? Could it be more dull and uninspiring? I took her on her 50th to see Mama Mia in London and on her 60 we did the Beatles bus tour of Liverpool and went to the Cavern Club and had a fab dinner. So carpet just seems a bit.... I pride myself on giving good birthday to kids and adults alike, not expensive big bashes, but personal and fun and what I think the person likes. DH got cricket lessons with tow former England players at Lords for his 40th 5 years ago - see see the thought and fun there?!?!?

I know some of you will say I am being a maoning miny whinger ungrateful cow etc etc, but I hope some of you can see what I feel.

I have had three quarters of a bottle of red and two g&t's so if ou got this far, well done.

Over and self-pitying out.

HI there, sorry reaching 40 is getting you down.

40 passed me by with a nothing, no feeling or anything, I was more concerned at reaching 30. Loved my thirties, my 40's have been completely dull. I'm now nearer to 50 that be the milestone for me.

Can you not arrange something yourself?

Why not ask your mother for something more personal, maybe a Spa day just you and her? Or you could just not celebrate it at all? Would that make you feel better?

I have just turned 40, but like FabbyChic found 30 far more traumatic. I fully intend to misbehave for another 30 years at least

My youngest is 4.5 and starts school in August, DH was made redundant last year so I had to return to work after a few years off. I am fatter than I have been for years. But I am loving it all. I have been flirted with, had nights away on my tod for work, have some cash to spend. Miss the kids (but to be fair they don't seem to give a shit.)

You need to celebrate - it doesn't matter if organised by your DH or you - ask your mum for the dosh she would have contributed towards the carpet and organise a wee party at home. (Oh and buy some sandpaper for the splinters on the stairs...)

DH is a dick.

He can't get a babysitter as he's left it till the last minute. And has nothing planned at all. So have just booked myself a massage with some £ I have cobbled together.

Thanks a fucking bunch dickhead. So glad you remembered all the thought and care I put into your 40th.

Being 40 isn't that bad. Why all the wailing?

Look at this way, when Mozart was your age he'd been dead for four years!

ahhh totally understand. Me too. Turn 40 next week. Was told i could get funding for IVF now told not. And it's too late. Feel such a failure, will be 40 and childless.
Am not expecting anything from partner either, he's not working at the moment. I'm not juggling two part time jobs and had booked my b'day weekend off however i won't get paid and it's a fair amount of money to lose just to do nothing with DP! Am debating whether to just work through it as will really resent losing pay just to not be spoilt and taken out!
Caro, i really do hope you do get a nice surprise or two. Maybe your husband could take you away when he's working again..i would drop some hints!
ps
Funny you mentioned the Beatles tour as i had decided i might want to do that. DP poo-poohed it saying he didnt want to go to Liverpool! which i thought was mean as a/ i'd be paying (on my big b'day weekend) b/ i'd go along with what he wanted, on a big b'day.

Sorry am overtired..that should read, I AM juggling two part time jobs!

just re read this ha ha were we separated from birth, my mum wants to give 'carpet contribution' too !!

I turned 40 last year. Didn't feel like having a party because my sister in law was dying. I certainly do think every year we get is a bonus - a real celebration. IS there something you always wanted to do? MAke this decade full of new experiences. I have just started having singing lessons - terrified but am LOVING it. My childless (and sad about it) friend has started Swimtreks - she feels 10 years younger. What could you do?

By the way - my dad died at 60 so I did have the 'only 20 years left' thought. But HIS dad was 80. So...the moral there for me is don't take up smoking again!

REally - it's amazing to be here. Don't be scared, don't pity yourself...go out and live your wonderful life and have a fantastic decade or 4! X

40 is a great age, as your kids are getting older you can do what my mum did and completely redefine yourself and party harder or just have a better time than ever.

40 is not too old, it is the middle of your life, not the end, plenty of time to live life to the full. So what if you have a little more round the middle, as long as you are confident then that is more important.

Congratulations on your birthday!

Sorry if I am being overly peppy about it

I was 40 last year and it passed without my caring really. It's not old unless you make it old. My dad died at 50 also, so I can understand how you feel.

I do so hope that you can be positive and that you have a happy birthday. And Lololizzy a very happy birthday to you also.

Like FabbyChic, i too am nearer to 50, the numbers don't bother me as in my head i'm still 21

I think the time to be slightly perturbed will be when the free OAP bus pass arrives!

Honestly,don't panic! get a massage,but also book a trip in a hot air balloon at some point,to blow any cobwebs away..

You've got being 40 mixed up with your resentment that no-one is making you feel special, and it's understandable.
But don't sulk with Mum and DH.
get mum to babysit or have kids at her home.
Tell DP how you feel without saying I Did such and such for you, just talk about what you can do that costs v little money, exhibitions, etc and lunch somewhere nice but not too expensive?
Look at Guardians top 100 cafes?
Do you need some new make up or beauty stuff?
Treat yourself?
I would like some one to help me sort out the shed for my birthday if anyone is listening? 14 year old Grandson I think!!
By the way better 40 than 14, I loved my 40s met love of my life and had my wonderful grandchildren, discovered my spiritual path, do lots of things for my own enjoyment!!
By the way I tell my little grandchildren I am 21 and it is magic, now I'm older than their mum!!

My very close friend's aim is to get to 40. She has terminal brain cancer and is 35. I am also 35 and developed multiple sclerosis last year which came to me out of the blue. I now use a wheelchair and and stick to walk. I don't mean to be all doom and gloom but just wanted you to see how reaching 40 with full health and then looking forward to many more years of good health is just the most amazing gift in itself. x

Oh, I would love to be 40 again - how young that seems!

Seriously, I went back to work full-time at 40 after 7 years off with the kids and had the most amazingly best years in my 40s. That was definitly my best decade so far.

Good luck!

I viewed turning 30 as the end of my youth and so 40 doesn't seem so bad.

Any 'zero' birthday is a bit of a milestone though. But when you look back at 40 you'll think you were in your prime, so enjoy it!

Carpet present is a bit depressing though

30 was depressing as I realised that I had to be a grown up! When 40 came along didn't treat it as any different to any other birthday and didn't feel upset by it. I did make a decision to get fit around my 40th though and I feel fitter now then since my 20's- don't feel old it's only a number.

I would say don't think so much about "40" as about your "40s" - what can you do with them. I turned 40 at the end of last year, dh 8 months before me, so we've been going through this s lot. For me though, being diagnosed with a prem menopause just before I turned 40 was far more of an "ageing" issue and I got it all mixed up with the birthday for a while.

I have already:

made a career change decision
signed up to start an MSc
started therapy for my ongoing mental health problems!! (check me - rock chick extrordinaire!)

We don't have money worries so last summer we had a lovely holiday instead of having parties etc and dh and I both fulfilled a lifetime ambition we share and learned to Scuba. That is out of your range, but do you have something you have always wanted to do that you could begin to work towards?

Also, my birthday was a Thursday and dh always works overnight - no chance to change it, its a fixed rota. But he surprised me on the morning of my birthday by telling me he had rearranged his surgery to start at 11 rather than 9, and took me out to the local posh caff for breakfast! Kids went off to school at 8, we were there by 8.15, had lovely scoff and great coffee then he dropped me home and went to work. Would your dh be amenable to something like that - also substantially cheaper than even lunch out!

Have a fantastic day - I just turned 40 recently so know what you mean. I blew loads of dosh on a trip to Belgium - couldn't really afford it but thought sod it, Had fantastic day. Treat yourself.

For me, my mid-life crisis was about redefining what I want to do and going about doing it -if you're not happywith your life change it!!!

In a famous quote - If I am not for myself who will be for me? And if not now, when?

carocaro, I think you've every right to be aggrieved with your DH for not making a fuss for your birthday, especially after the effort you went to for his 40th. I think, though, that you need to take the proceedings by the scruff of the neck and sort something out for yourself so that you don't end up spending your 40th birthday in a homicidal rage.

My DH is lazy isn't fussed about birthdays so I know that he was never going to organise anything for my 40th, which is in three weeks' time. And although I'd planned a party for 3rd April, I had to cancel it once it had dawned on me it was on Mother's Day, so most people would have problems attending it and worshipping their mothers too. So instead I'm going to celebrate my birthday with all my different groups of friends and family on different days throughout April, which means I'm going to have about seven outings, and I'm really looking forward to it.

Do what you want to do - tell your mum that the thought of a new stair carpet for your 40th depresses the hell out of you, and could she take you out for the day instead to do something that you would both enjoy. Have fun with your children on an outing, make your DH take you out for dinner, or order in a take-away so that you don't have to cook, and can just snuggle in front of the TV.

And there is something momentous about turning 40 - it's a chance to re-evaluate your life and be grateful that you aren't a silly young thing in her twenties with so many mistakes still to learn from. Being 40 nowadays is nothing like it was when our mothers were that age - we're not middle-aged, but as young as we want to be.

So take control of your birthday, embrace it and be happy. As keresley says, good health is the most important thing you can have, but happy memories help too, and there is nothing wrong with wanting some great ones from your 40th birthday that you can look back on with happiness and love.

So happy birthday! And I hope that you have a lovely day to remember.

I turned 40 two years ago. My dad died when he was 35 so I'd already "heaved my sigh of relief" asitwere. Thing was, deep down, I REALLY wanted a party but have a confidence issue that no-one would have turned up and it would have been a flop etc so when asked if I wanted a party I said no. BUT I was secretly hoping that partner/family would do it anyway? Birthday came round- no party. I was gutted but twas obviously my own doing, expecting people to read my mind. End result? Not having such a great birthday, fake smile plastered etc, kicking myself.

So my advice would be, tell them exactly what you would like. I know it's much nicer if they happen to surprise you with exactly the kind of thing you's want but the reality is, they probably won't.

Have a fantastic birthday :)

*you'd not you's

Carocaro, I think you have signed off and gone to weep into the massage oil, but hopefully will sign on again.

Your DH is an unimaginative [word too rude even for fellow Mumsnetters]. As for your mum, I realise she was probably trying to help but carpet! for your 40th!! Grrr.

Many moons ago, actually under pressure from my MiL, I started handing out lists for Christmas and birthdays. I really did this for DD, and also to ensure that granny never gave DP a beautifully wrapped duster for Christmas again. However in the process I gained big time! Initially I just put down small things I wanted, but now the jewelry and hand-made chocolates are just rolling in.
I have always been wonderful at thinking of just the right thing for everyone-else and completely gob-smacked by their inability to get anything remotely nice for me, and am so glad to have found this practical solution.

I am 48 now and it is fine. I am quite fat too, so I don't feel a bit bad about eating large cream cakes.

I know this is tough, but the meek do not inherit the earth, everyone just goes on taking us them for granted. I think what I learnt was that I must ask for what I want, and not take it as a signal that nobody cares about me if they don't voluntarily produce flowers, card, parties and large diamond rings to order. At first I felt strange and artificial and as if I was drawing attention to my unworthy my beautiful self. But now I'm getting accustomed to getting what I want!
Listen, Happy Birthday, love. I do hope you can have something fun from someone.

Hugs