My Brother!!!

[ExitPursuedByABear]

DB flying in tomorrow to spend 4 days here, to visit our father who is in a Care Home following surgery. I have found out today that Dad is being chucked out of the Care Home next week, so if DB had come next week he could have spent a useful four days looking after Dad before flying off leaving it all to me as usual.

However, I have also found out today, entirely by accident, that a woman whom DB knew many moons ago (about 35 years ago) is coming to spend the weekend with him/us!

DB is on his second marriage, has two boys (10 & 7), and split up temporarily from his wife a couple of years ago when she found out about an affair.

He is a stupid twunt, and he knows I think so. What I cannot believe is that he is expecting me to be complicit in this. I am spending two weeks with him and his family later in the year. It is bad enough knowing his tawdry little secrets from the past, but this just really takes the biscuit.

Maybe this is more a WWYD?

WWYD about what exactly???

Are you annoyed the woman is coming to stay and dont want her too? I'm a little perplexed.

Tell him she cannot come to your home, your loyalty lies with his wife. If he doesn't like it he can find a hotel.

I love your name.

Sorry - he is not staying withus. - When I asked if he wanted to stay with us or at Dad's he said he would stay at Dad's as he fancied some peace and quiet. No mention that he was planning a liaison. Dad is nagging me to make up the bed for him and get in some shopping!

NewTeacher - I am simply aghast that he is using the cover of a visit home to arrange to see this woman and has not even had the courtesy to tell me.

I would be tempted to either confront your brother about this and tell him in no uncertain terms that it is not acceptable to have a liaison with this woman in your Dad's house. Failing that do you have contact with the woman? I would be tempted to give her a piece of my mind about liaisons with a married man with children.....

Well, you have to be consistent: either you want him to tell you, in which case you'd be complicit, or you want him to not tell you, in which case you aren't.

So, while I understand why you're annoyed with him, if he's actively trying to keep you out of it, he's doing what you want. However, now that you know, you have to decide whether or not to challenge him.

She herself is married with children, although they are grown up.

I just despair. I was quite looking forward to seeing him but now I feel like telling him to make his own way from the airport. Or maybe she could collect him....

Bling - I still don't know if he is planning on telling me - it would be very hard to keep her presence secret as Dad's house is only a couple of hundred yards from mine.

Plus she is clearly making it known as it was her cousin who commented to me in an email that I was entertaining X for the weekend and was I a glutton for punishment? (we didn't get on as children - just to complicate things further).

You clearly feel resentment that you are you father's main carer - the initial paragraph of your OP speaks volumes. I very much doubt your brother planned for your Dad to be "chucked out" of the care home and arranged his visit accordingly.

If you don't agree with what he's doing then tell him so.

If that's not enough then tell his wife.

Which Shakespeare play are you referencing with your name? It rings a bell from university.

Tell your bro to bugger off.

Privateg - I don't feel resentment, more resignation. DB has been abroad for 30 years and has never been around to support our parents. Is it unreasonable that he should have confirmed the dates of his visit with us. If we had been away for the weekend he would not have even been able to get into my Dad's house as we have the keys.

Glasnot - A Winter's Tale (I think)

Make up a single bed.... though dont know why he cant make his own bed up

Oh yes of course! Thanks for that. I loved that play. Are you going to tell your bro to bugger off. He sounds a tad presumptuous to put it mildly.

Sorry, I don't really think you can dictate what your borther does in your dad's house. If your dad doesn't like it, then he needs to be the one to say so. If you don't approve, then say so; don't make up a bed, don't get food in.

If what's really bothering you is your brother's selfishness in leaving you to take care of your dad, then you need to address that.

I would inform him at the earliest opportunity that you have heard he's got this woman staying in your dad's house and you aren't impressed, what about his wife etc... And see what he says.

Exit

I didn't realise it was a last minute thing, I assumed it was planned.

< goes back and scans posts for that info cos I missed it >

I'd get in touch with your brother and tell him that the care home are planning on sending your Dad home next week but you think it would be a great idea to bring thst forward a few days to coincide with brothers trip. That it would be much better for your Dad that way as he'lll have your brother living in the house with him to help him settle back in properly. It will also be the best possible use of your brothers time to help out where he is really needed rather than him hanging round an empty house and then going home just as your dad gets out.

That way you'll get the help you need from your brother PLUS he'll have to cancel the rendesvous with his other woman!

Private - sorry, I probably didn't mention it - my original post got so long and involved that I edited it.

Tallulah - fab idea - will see if I can get him sent home tomorrow instead of next week.

< high fives Tallulah

Now THAT is a cunning plan!