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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cancel seeing parents and to avoid them for the foreseeable future?

60 replies

bintofbohemia · 03/03/2011 15:03

God, I barely know where to start. I?ve had a lot of very good advice on here in the last few years regarding my relationship with my father and stepmother. They got custody of me and my brother when I was about 5 and he was about three and we were treated like shit for years. Then they had a child of their own and she has always been the priority. Things really came to light after I had my DCs, they were totally controlling and expected to dictate how we did things and then when we didn?t do what they wanted us to they withdrew completely and had little to do with us or the children.

After several years of angsting, getting good advice here, having counselling and reading ?Toxic Parents? we finally managed to move far away from them all and hoped that would make things easier. Anyway, we?re heading back this weekend to see DH?s family nearby, to visit my aunt who?s just recovering from cancer and other friends. We had planned to pop in and see them so that the children could see their grandparents but we have that many people to get round in two days it?s all getting a bit stressful.

Last night I got a call from SM asking if we were going to stay with them. I politely said I thought that would be much too awkward with all the unresolved issues. (Last year I brought up the fact that my father beat me up when I was 16, and he didn?t respond for about 6 weeks until I was literally starting my car to follow the removal van and he denied it anyway.) She then said two things that make me think screw the pair of them and we?re not going to visit at all:

  1. She asked me why I was slagging off my grandfather on Facebook. I had mentioned in passing that I was getting some expert help with tracing my great grandfather and someone said good luck as it?s hard with Irish relatives. I said it?s even harder when they weren?t truthful about their earlier lives and that there must be a really interesting story behind him feeling the need to fabricate this alternative story. How she?s got from that to me ?slagging off my granddad? is beyond me ? he is out of living memory and what I am saying is fact. And I can?t believe she?s had the time in her life to gossip to a relative and twist what I?m saying on facebook!
  2. She then asks me ?why do you hate your father so much?? At this point I feel like slamming my head against a brick wall ? I must have spent hours talking to her about this recently and I explained that he has acted very cruelly and is incapable of showing any feeling towards me at all ? not the case with my half sister as was demonstrated at our respected weddings. And the fact is I don?t hate him, she is trying to put words in my mouth. However I do feel like compiling a dossier about reasons I feel very let down by him and I might do if only for my own reference.

It just seems so manipulative, I?ve not even communicated with them directly and she?s come up with ?you?re slagging off your grandfather and you hate your dad.? It?s pathetic. Am tempted to send a text saying ?thanks for the lunch invite but we can?t make it? and not going round to see them at all. I can?t be bothered spending any more of my life angsting about what she says, and the fact that my dad never says anything at all. But then they?ll start telling everyone that they?re gutted because we were in town and didn?t go round, and that we?re keeping them away from their grandchildren (who, incidentally, they never spent time with when we lived two minutes away) and it?ll be all twisted around to what a bad person I am.

Sorry for the lengthy rant, I just don?t know how to proceed as saying we won?t go round will cause a kick off but I can?t face sitting there with them when they make all this stuff up about me and refuse to deal with anything/take responsibility for anything.

I might actually put a list of reasons together.

OP posts:
Original poster
bintofbohemia · 03/03/2011 15:04

Ooops, sorry about all the ??s - copied that from Word and it's scrambled it! Blush

OP posts:
Gleekfreak · 03/03/2011 15:08

Don't see them. Why put yourself and your DC's through a crap few hours to appease these obviously completely shitty people. Visit who you want and spend enjoyable time with whoever you and your family want.

NewTeacher · 03/03/2011 15:11

ignore them. you have a good life now by the sound of it, go and enjoy it...

Flisspaps · 03/03/2011 15:20

A kick off but not having to see them seems preferable to sitting there and exposing yourself and your DCs to their shit.

Chil1234 · 03/03/2011 15:21

"We had planned to pop in and see them so that the children could see their grandparents "

If you have such a bad relationship with these people your children wouldn't be any worse off for not seeing them. My own grandmother was a terribly abusive old witch and my mother, quite rightly, kept me and my brother away from her our whole lives. We didn't miss her in the slightest because, as far as we were concerned, she didn't exist. We had another set of grandparents that were wonderful and, for them, I'll always be grateful.

ashamedandconfused · 03/03/2011 15:24

your children do not need to get to know people like them, seriously, blood or not, keep away!

thumbwitch · 03/03/2011 15:28

YANBU - stay well away and don't bother with them again. They are too self-centred and toxic to expose your DC to, honestly. And you really don't need it - do you really think it will be enjoyable? That it would somehow be different from before and you'd have a nice time?

You are only thinking of going out of a sense of duty - let's face it, they don't deserve it. They don't deserve to have a relationship with you or your DC - so why bother? You'll only resent the time wasted with them, when you could have spent it enjoying yourselves with nice people who actually care about you.

NinkyNonker · 03/03/2011 15:30

YANBU. Don't bother and put them behind you.

iscream · 03/03/2011 15:35

Don't bother seeing them. If they slag you off, well, the people who know you will know what to believe and any others, well, it isn't their business anyways right?

FabbyChic · 03/03/2011 15:41

From your opening post you did slag off your Grandfather. Thats the glory of Facebook and posting personal information for you.

I wouldn't see them but would tell them why truthfully without any hystrionics (sp)

ashamedandconfused · 03/03/2011 15:49

slagging off, fabby chic?? she only said, truthfully, that he had fabricated some of what they had previously thought was family history and now know to be false , & that it would be interesting to know the truth/ why he had said this - she did not call him an effing liar!

Original poster
bintofbohemia · 03/03/2011 16:04

Thanks for all the posts - they have over the years managed to completely skew my head so that even I don't know if I'm being unreasonable.

The main thing that sent me over the top was the whole "oh what has your poor innocent father done to deserve this" bit she was pulling. What is that, passive aggressive or just plain shitty?

The other thing that worries me is that if we decide not to see them could they, in theory, start getting lawyers involved over the children? It's not that they actually want to spend time with them, but I wouldn't put it past them doing it just to be a pain in the arse.

My poor DH was getting really hacked off last night, he says he's had to spend £££s on counselling, spend half his life talking about them, and then last night missed half his football match whilst I ranted about what she'd just told me again. It's not fair on the rest of my family.

It's just they both make out like they've never done anything wrong and it's all my "perception" which often makes me wonder who's actually right.

OP posts:
Original poster
bintofbohemia · 03/03/2011 16:05

Fabby - it's not my grandfather, it's my great grandfather who was born about 130 years ago and no one alive remembers. And he has told some proper whoppers!

OP posts:
Original poster
bintofbohemia · 03/03/2011 16:35

And is it terribly rude to blow them off by text if I can't be arsed with having a whole conversation about it?

OP posts:
Rhian82 · 03/03/2011 16:40

I'm pretty sure that grandparents have no rights at all, legally speaking.

GetOrfMoiLand · 03/03/2011 16:42

Bint I think I have seen some other posts about your relationship with them on MN in the past.

I think you are very wise to not go and see them. you have tried to have conversations and to try and rectify the past (iykwim) but they are just not interested. You are banging your head against a brick wall to be honest.

I think if you did go and see them you will probably unearth a load of old emotions and upset, and will then go over everything they said and get more upset. I think it is a good idea to just forget about it for a bit. It doesn't have to be forever, but just keep contact to a minimum for a while.

I am very sorry, I have similar dealings with family members and currently do not speak to my mum due to her ostrich tendencies about the past, and her complete inability to admit she made mistakes. It is very hard but it was driving me mad having contact. I needed to just cut her out in order to get my head straight.

Tbh I think it is OK to text - if you call it will just end up in a row.

DON'T feel guilty. You need to look after the impiortant people - that means you, your DH and your kids.

TheCrackFox · 03/03/2011 16:47

Your DCs do not need this pair of twats in their life.

Toxic parents never admit they are/were in the wrong.

Desperateforthinnerthighs · 03/03/2011 16:50

Stay away, they sound bloody horrid!!!!! You have a nice family life now so leave that pair of twats to their own devices!

expatinscotland · 03/03/2011 16:51

Cut these people out of your life, OP. Just delete them from everywhere and conduct your life as if they don't exist. They don't get it and they never will because they don't care.

LionRock · 03/03/2011 16:53

Stay away, and don't let your own children see you with them. Unless you are able to deal with the grandparents perfectly and ensure your children don't follow the tradition. ("OK so that's how adults treat each other then".)

LionRock · 03/03/2011 16:55

Also, don't get drawn into any more arguments about what you did or what they did recently. You're not dealing with the surface issue (what you did or didn't write on FB) the argument is about all those backyears of sh*t. I agree - cut them out. Be truthful with your children when they're old enough to understand.

Original poster
bintofbohemia · 03/03/2011 17:04

GetOrf - oh yes, very likely, I do end up having to "test" how I feel on here as they make me feel like I can't trust my own judgement. You're right though, if we went we'd either just not mention anything and I'd fume and want to kill them, or stuff would get mentioned and it would be rubbish. And I can't keep going back into it to be told weeks later why they "just can't understand how it's come to this". I think I will just text and spend the extra time with friends.

Sorry you found yourself in the same situation, but it can really mess with your head staying in touch when they claim you're making everything up. My brother and I both remember an incident when I was about six and he was four and he wouldn't eat his peas at teatime. We both remember them bringing them out for breakfast the next morning, which they have since denied (and laughed about, "as if we'd do such a thing") but odd for us both to remember the same thing...

I'm glad you're feeling better for making the break. I thought the distance and sporadic contact would be enough but obviously not. Sad

OP posts:
olderandwider · 03/03/2011 17:19

Your dad and stepmum have their view of reality. You have yours. They will never be convinced of your version (not read your other posts but sounds like you've tried and failed to get them to see things as you do).

I would simply give up the game now. You haven't "lost" anything that was ever worth having. Some people are just not worth bothering with because they will keep on hurting you. You will never "fix" this problem, except by disengaging and walking away.

And listen to your DH. He speaks sense. Don't let the toxic duo do any more harm to your little family.

Think of it this way? You know when you buy a car, and it keeps breaking down, and you keep on spending money on it in the hope that it will be finally fixed, but it never will be because the car is just a wrong 'un, and will never work properly. The toxic duo is the car, and your emotional reactions are money you could be spending better somewhere else.

Original poster
bintofbohemia · 03/03/2011 18:03

olderandwider - great name and good analogy.

Good advice from everyone, thank you. I will text then turn the phone off and not feel guilty. Of course this will probably begin a spate of arsey messages but I guess the best strategy is just ignore, ignore. Wish me luck.

OP posts:
risingstar · 03/03/2011 18:14

only 2 things to say.

firstly take the woman off Facebook

secondly change your mobile number

if you are going to do this, do it properly.

if they dont have your numbers you dont have to worry about arsey messages

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