To think a 16 year old girl should be capable of getting herself up for college?

[theyCallMeHer]

My mother is very ill and my dad works night shifts so one or two mornings a week he isn't at home. On these mornings he invariably comes home to find my sister in bed at 10.30am having missed college and he has to drive her in.

I understand my mums illness is a lot for a 16 year old to deal with but it infuriates me she cannot take responsibility for herself and how if she did it would take some pressure off my parents.

She has a very childish attitude with regards to her work too, i.e a coursework essay is overdue and it's my parents fault as they didn't ask her when it was due in.

aibu and expecting too much?

Leaving aside the issue of your mum's illness, no you are not being unreasonable to expect more, but you will likely be disappointed. I teach very bright motivated kids up to 18 and they also are crap at meeting deadlines, fulfilling obligations like turning up to meetings arranged for their benefit etc and just have no excuse when you ask them why. I think we do to much for them early on and they find it very hard. we always end up giving them 2nd 3rd and 4th chances. They will be screwed when they get to uni and find they have failed an essay completely because its late in. Do you have a good relationship with her? Could you talk to her without it being a nag or a moan?

No. Yanbu.
Of course she should be getting herself up.

But serious illness in the family can make children/ teenagers act out.

Why don't you talk to her about how she could get more organised?

When ds1 was disorganized in the mornings of course I just became annoyed with him but, rather than just be arsey with him, I sat him down and said ' when you are late it has many negative effects on you and on others. What would help you to become more organised ? What is your routine? Why do you think you can't get yourself ready given that you are old enough and should be mature enough to do this?

Does she have any excuses?

I have talked to her about it so many times, we do have a great relationship. She says she is always tired and the alarm doesn't wake her up. I bought her a super loud alarm clock as a 'joke' christmas present.

She is very emotionally intelligent and mature in other respects, I can't help wonder if she feels she has been 'forced' to grow up and so is rebelling against that maybe?

Yes, it sounds like attention seeking rather than anything else. If she doesn't get up on time and causes problems at school etc., then she's getting attention. And the only way it'll stop is if she isn't rewarded for her bad behaviour and if your parents (or Dad at least) gives her more attention when she's being constructive. It's obviously stressful to have a sick parent, but some young people rise to the occasion selflessly and others opt to regress and go the selfish route.

If she wants to go to college, she'd get up and go. Sounds like she doesn't really want to.

Ha, YADNBU. My 34 yr old partner can't get up for work though.

Is she just angling for a lift in?

Does she maybe stay home to kepp an eye on yor mum? She might not want to leave her. I work for a charity which supports Carers. Our Young Carers all act in different ways, they can be selfish, lazy, angry or unhelpful but it's usually because of the situation they are living in.

Or she could just be a normal self-centered teen.

Depends, how ill is your mother? When I was about 17ish my mother was very ill with cancer, my schooling definitely went downhill. I lost all motivation for working, didn't hand in homework etc. Was predicted 3 As at A level, ended up BCC due to no work.

I wasn't specifically lazy or pushing boundaries I don't think, just struggling along unnoticed in my own way.

Do you think the same could be said for your sister?

Why does your Dad 'have to drive her in'?

If she can't get herself up, that's her own lookout. I don't think he's helping by driving her there when she finally moves herself out of bed.

My mothers illness isn't life threatening, just chronic, very debilitating and came as quite a shock to us all.

My dad drives her in as it would take her an hour on the bus. I think she knows by him driving her in she at least gets there for class after break so is almost relying on it.

I can't help but think to when I was the same age, our parents were healthy but worked hard. I was up and helping get her and my younger brother up, fed and out to school every morning.

That might be why your sister does what she does. When you were her age the house was a busy one wth people going out to work or out to school. You had to be motivated to get your siblings off to school. The house must have been a hive of activity on a morning.

Now your mum is ill and may spent a significant amount of time in bed. Your sister might be demotivated and feel down. If there's nobody else getting up early she might not see the need to either. I'm not making excuses for her just trying to understand how she might be feelng.

Sounds like she really values the lift in rather than the hour long commute on public transport...

Is there any way she can get there independantly - on a bike/moped (am I right in thinking you can ride a moped at 16..)....When is she 17? Does she have money for lessons and a beat up car...???

Durhamdurham that's an excellent point I oddly hadn't considered.

I must admit at times at my parents there is just an odd sense of hush about the place. I left 10 years ago, my brother moved out 5 years ago so of course my sister is used to a busy house and now it is very different.

sounds to me like she's a bit depressed. i got depressed when i was 16. everything seemed too much effort.

i don't think your dad is doing her any favours. by allowing her to effectively 'check out' of her responsibilities, she's feeling worse.

my father once wrote me a letter because he was worried i wasn't putting the effort in. he just wrote what he felt without accusations or expressing disappointment. was a massive kick up the butt for me.

YANBU in theory. She is old enough to know that she should get up. However, teenagers have different body clocks and lots of adults are unaware of this. They often struggle to fall asleep before the small hours and thus struggle to wake up until later in the day. They are growing and developing like crazy and need more sleep - rather like babies. Some secondary schools have started altering the starttime of the school day and attendance has gone up. They may look like young adults, but there are still massive differences in their bodies.

It may be worth talking to her about the importance of sleep, and finding out not just what time she goes to bed, but how long she lies there for before dropping off. You can sort out a lot of practical things like making sure that the room is cool, dark and quiet. Make sure that her bed is comfortable. Make sure she isn't listening to music, watching tv, texting. You could also try a wake up light which is supposed to wake you more naturally and more effectively. You can also get some that have sun-down options to help you fall asleep. Other posters have mentioned depression and these lights supposedly help with that.

Does she get enough exercise?

It might also be that she doesn't want to be at college. Is there a teacher/student she doesn't like? Is the time in the mornign spent effectively? Does she gain from it?

It was only when I moved in with my boyf when I was 26 that I realised I had been sleep deprived my entire life, hence the lengthy post - sorry!

You aren't expecting too much. My son sets his alarm on his phone, gets himself up, dressed and out. And always does his work way before it is due. He wants a decent future he knows he won't get that slacking.

Its typical teenage behaviour I think.
My DD ws the same, and in the end I would give up and just thought if she missed the bus and was late ...tough.
She will find out for herself what trouble she will brew up by being late. Hopefully staff at college will tell her off.
Trouble is they dont seem to get told off nowadays do they?
If we were late for school right up to 6th form we would be in serious trouble if we were late.