to want help in the mornings

[onlylivinggirl]

i can't work out whether i am being un reasobale in asking my partner to help me.

I work full time- one day at home. For two days when i am at work in the office (and the day I am at home working) DP looks after DS. ( These can be quite long days- DS will get up around 6, I look after him until I leave around 730 when I hand him over. I generally get back around 7pm when I look after him until bedtime -around 9.)
The other two days DS comes to work with me to go in my work nursery - for various reasons I have to get an early train in which i need to leave the house by 6.35 in order to get - in can be a bit/lot of a rush to get both of us ready within that time. It is made immensely easier if there are a second pair of hands - eg to dress DS while I dress myself or just to help load the car/defrost it - it just takes the pressure off a bit. I have asked DP to get up and help but it never happens and I end up running around like a mad thing or missing train. AIBU to expect DP to help - it is only 5 mins- DP isn't working the rest of the day and can go back to bed- or should i just get up earlier (not sure if that would help really if DS doesn't get up)

Basically he felt that he would find it too much to look after him 5 days a week and so we agreed (even before he was born) that DS would go to nursery 1 day a week- this was increased to 2 days as the nursery felt that DS would struggle on 1 day.

I do like having DS near me for 2 days- I can visit him when I want and it means I see more of him - but i do worry as it is a long day for DS and he hasn't really settled at nursery yet so I know he would be happier at home. DP does find it hard though and I don't think could cope full time or even 4 days. I have told him that tbh if the positions were reversed I would have DS with me full time.

sorry - and he does do some work in the evenings the days DS is in nursery so I would have to leave work early potentially to come home if DS wasn't near me

How old is DS? YANBU btw

Can't imagine how you get yourself and your child out of the house by 6.35. DH should definitely get up and get DS ready while you get yourself sorted.

is your DP Ds's father?

how old is DS?

what is Dp's problem exactly?

I think your DH is damn lucky that you agreed to let him have 2 whole days a week to just lay in bed all day if he wishes (assuming he has no health issues which prevent him from actually doing a normal days work or looking after his own child!)
Bearing that in mind your DH should get up with your DS on your work days, look after him all day on his days with DS and on his days at nursery, your DH should either take DS to nursery (or if easier for you to do so then hand him over to you on your way out the door).

Does he do the bulk of the housework and cooking etc too? as this would be fair to expect.

TBH even if he did all the cooking and housework AND did his fair share of helping out in the mornings, I'm still not sure I could stay with someone so utterly lazy that needs 2 whole days a week to do nothing while his wife worked full time and the DS was in PAID childcare (think of the money you are spending every month in order for him to have 2 days in bed!!!). You are more easy going than me I have to say!

If your DH is at home 5 days a week he should be getting up with your DS at least 4 of those days IMO.

Try comparing hours worked.

Your 'working' day when DS is NOT at nursery is 6am- 9pm, including work, travel and childcare.
Your DH's day is from 7.30am- ? (Does he cook, tidy up etc while you look after DS in the evening?)

Your 'working' day when DS IS at nursery- 6am until ?
Your DH's day is what, a few hours in the evening?

Doesn't look remotely fair to me, although it's not clear from your OP how much work your DH is doing at home.

Reality has said exactly what I thought.

Actually tell DH that if he wants his 2 days to himself, he needs to get up and get DS ready and take him to nursery - wtf should you be doing that to give him 2 lazy days?????????

He sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it - any you are letting him.

Kick his arse into gear or kick him out!

YANBU.
Get the covers off him and manhandle him out of bed into DS's room to prepare him whilst you do yourself.
Loser.
RealityIsKnockedUp - love that you clarified your post of expletives with a YANBU after!

DP is DS's father. DS is ten months. Some of it is unavoidable - i am breastfeeding DS so need to get up in the morning to feed him anyway (i could stop but I like feeding him)but ...

DP's arguments are that i want to spend time with DS (hence the evenings are mine) which is true but i have to say I am knackered!
DS is not sleeping well at night so I have broken nights sleep as well.

We have a cleaner. I cook DS's meals or we use ready-made- we share the cooking of our meals- DP probably does more in terms of number of days while i cook things to be frozen and used during the week. He does the gardening etc and does do things like put the bins out etc etc

I think part of the problem is the way we lived pre DS. DP is self employed as a coach and was never very efficient- eg he would take hours to prepare for a couple of hours work - so now he feels squeezed as he has less time on his own to dither and faff. He then gets very angry if i get annoyed and calls me a control freak

"Actually tell DH that if he wants his 2 days to himself, he needs to get up and get DS ready and take him to nursery - wtf should you be doing that to give him 2 lazy days?????????"

Completely agree, and also wondering about who is paying for the nursery?

Apologies if the DP has some disability or health problem that means he really 'can't cope' with looking after his child full-time or getting up in the morning. But otherwise it doesn't seem a very fair division of responsibilities. I'm sure the OP would like a couple of 'lazy days' with a long lie-in (who wouldn't!) but doesn't get them.

Imagine if it was a SAHM demanding that her husband get up early, get the child ready, take him to nursery and then do a full day's work, just so she could stay in bed a bit longer!

Also surely it's an inevitable part of becoming a parent that you have less time to yourself to 'dither and faff' and just do you own thing. Not easy for everyone to adapt to, but you have to step up and be an adult and a parent and not just offload it all onto your partner so you can have lots of sleep and leisure time at their expense while they run around frantically trying to cope.

I'm at home all day every day, dh goes out to work. I'm the one who gets up with the chiddlers and sorts them out in the morning, because I am the parent at home, and I'm not a lazy fucker like your dp that is my role!

YANBU!

I am starting to feel defensive now- despite this being what I have been telling DP for months!

I had hoped to put in in a more gender neutral way as well as there seems to be different reactions depending on who is working full time v SAHP.

My mum thinks that in some way he has power over me as I was the one who really wanted children but I don't think so. I think DP fundamentally thinks that he has it hard. He basically thinks that I like working and like being with DS and that therefore it isn't a hardship for me. He also thinks that I manage better on less sleep than him (true) and therefore should cope.

In fairness as well the money isn't an issue - i don't care from a money point of view what he does on his days off I just am fed up with him complaining either that he doesn't get any me time or doesn't have time to work.

You need to have a really honest and open discussion with him. You need to spell out to him very clear the hours that you are doing and the amount of 'me time' that he gets compared to you. (Do you ever get time to yourself? Do you leave him with DS at all at the weekend?)

And you need to agree some changes.

I basically couldn't operate if my DH didn't share childcare with me. I work 4 days a week, locally and he works full time and commutes to London (about an hour an a quarter one way). If one does the morning rush the other does the evening shift- and even then we help one another out if we haven't had to go in early for work or come home late. I still find it hard even with all this help. I don't know how women do it on their own or with no help from the other half when they are working- or even if I was at home all the time I'd expect him to help out, not to the same degree but still be helpful.

oh dear, you poor thing.

Have you tried writing out a list for each of you with things you expect from each other every day?

For example in our home every morning my partner gets the childrens breakfast ready and makes sure their teeth are brushed. I get up and make the lunches dp and childrens, choose clothes and iron them for the family, put school bag together and take children to school.

In the evening i do dinner as long as hes done the washing up from the day before, he does childrens teeth in the evening and i usually do bed time routine.

He will hate you doing the list thing, but it needs to be done. hope you get more support soon

Just reading your post made me tired tbh. Out of the house at 6.30am with a dressed baby, then train journey with the baby...

Hes got 2 full days doing nothing and he complains . Even the days he has ds he doesn't do much, only one child, you 've got cleaner and you share cooking! He should be over the moon with the life he has, not moaning.

I really think you are too good.

It is usually those who 'cope' in the family the ones who get ill later at some stage because they didn't look after themselves like their shelfish partners did.