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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think my mum and her friend are acting like 10 year olds...

22 replies

thefruitwhisperer · 03/03/2011 09:13

My mum was invited to one of her oldest friends 50th. She couldnt go as she had a work meeting which involved a hotel stay which had already been paid for. Friend suggested she take a sicky but my mum has a condition which means she takes long periods of sickness. Shes in the process of getting sick notes/a proper diagnosis etc so that her employer will recognise her condition as at the moment, they are trying to disciple her for the amount shes taken. Also mum is so honest, she wouldnt take a day off when she wasnt sick, especially given the hotel stay.

She told friend this. Friend so wrapped up in the party planning she didnt listen. Mum told her again the weekend before the party and her friend took it in, and was very very upset. Its understandable that the friend didnt listen too, shes got a very sick grandchild at the moment who was having an op.

Now they arent talking. My mum has text her and the friend will not reply. Mums talking about sending a letter [bad idea IMO] and I suggested taking her mate out for a meal instead, maybe some flowers as its still her birthday, misunderstanding or not. Mum wont as she thinks this is 'buying off' her friend and she is 'in the right because she did tell her she couldnt go!'

The longer this goes on the more hurt my mum is, but I can totally see the friends position and she must be hurting too. It doesnt matter who is 'right', they just need to get over it!

AIBU to knock their heads together? I think Mum should just call her but Mum is adamant she's not done anything. Its such a shame for a 30 year friendship to go down the drain.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 03/03/2011 09:16

Letter and flowers would be my suggestion.

Eglu · 03/03/2011 09:19

I think your Mum should just send a card and say sorry I couldn't make your party, would have loved to have been there.

The friend is the childish one, not your Mum imo.

thefruitwhisperer · 03/03/2011 09:19

I think a letter is a bad idea. My Mum could potentially ramble and she doesnt have the best tone of voice!

Would it BU for me to contact the friend myself?

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 03/03/2011 09:20

help her write the letter then..

chopchopbusybusy · 03/03/2011 09:22

I think your mum's friend is being a bit silly. Your mum explained the situation and she was right not to take a sick day. I think your mum should send a letter or card explaining her reasons again and inviting her out for a birthday dinner. If her friend chooses not to respond then the friendship is sadly over.

thefruitwhisperer · 03/03/2011 09:22

I know my Mum, she'd disregard my edits and start moaning about things that happened 20 years ago.

OP posts:
thefruitwhisperer · 03/03/2011 09:23

I think Mum should call her.

OP posts:
LoveBeingAKnockedUp · 03/03/2011 09:26

Replace birthday with wedding and it would be a common arguement! Has the party now been and gone?

lesley33 · 03/03/2011 09:27

No you shouldn't write to the friend. The friend may take offence thinking your mum has been complaining about her friend to lots of other people. Advise your mum, but don't get directly involved - you could make things worse.

elphabadefiesgravity · 03/03/2011 09:28

Friend is definately the one being childish, not your Mum.

lovelymumma · 03/03/2011 09:29

I think if you organise a party,you can't expect that everyone will be able to make it'even if its a big birthday bash.I had to miss my brothers 40th,because it was organised last minute and fell on my daughters birthday,and she had already organised stuff for the day.Also had to miss my friends 30th because my dad sprang my mums 50th birthday meal on me a week before.My best friends big birthday dates,happen to fall on same weekend as my mums big birthday dates.
I understand though because my sil gets wierd about her birthday,its at beginning of summer holiday,and we,ve had to miss it for holidays,because it was often the only time husband could get off work.
The friend is being childish,I know its painful for your mum,but its really not her fault.

lovelymumma · 03/03/2011 09:30

I think the friend should be sending your mum flowers,and appreciate her friendship.

thefruitwhisperer · 03/03/2011 09:32

I think because she wasnt listening the first time, the friend always thought Mum was going. So it looked like she was backing out, when in fact she'd always said she wasnt going.

They are being so silly, they've been through so much together Sad

OP posts:
EmmaBGoode · 03/03/2011 09:37

Oh, your poor mum Sad.

I think the idea of flowers and a card is a good one.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 03/03/2011 09:50

Unless the friend is your mum's only friend, I think your mum should just drop it.
The friend is behaving the way my 9.10 YO does. Very childishly.

Quenelle · 03/03/2011 10:52

Flowers and a card, yes. It sounds like they need each other's friendship with what they're both going through.

My mum lost her best friend of 50 years very suddenly two years ago and misses her desperately.

thefruitwhisperer · 03/03/2011 21:29

Ive spoken to mum and theres more. She did go round and give her some flowers, a card and an anniversary present. She delivered it to her son as friend wasnt home.

Poor Mum, the friend hasnt even said thankyou. Sad

OP posts:
2rebecca · 03/03/2011 23:02

The friend doesn't sound like much of a friend. If a good friend of mine couldn't make a party because of other committments be they work or personal I would accept it and move on. Friends are supposed to be considerate of each other. I suspect this friend would be well dropped.

annielouisa · 04/03/2011 01:06

Your mum has tried her best and is in no way BU unreasonable she also has her added health issues. I think her friend sounds very selfish and was like some pathetic teenager expecting your mum to lie to her employers when she is already having issues over genuine sickness. Just be there for your mum and let her know you realise she has done nothing wrong.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 04/03/2011 07:23

I think your mum should leave it. She's done nothing wrong and the friend is being silly and needs to grow up. Your mum can only beg and plead for forgiveness for so long. What does friend want? your mum to disembowel herself in the town square?

honestly, your mum's friend needs to get a grip.

and you need to stop seeing this as your problem to sort. they are grown women. It's unfortunate yes, but some things just have to be left.

pjmama · 04/03/2011 08:33

So your Mum told her friend TWICE that she wouldn't be able to attend her party for perfectly valid reasons and now her friend is sulking? I'm with your Mum on this one, let her friend get on with her tantrum and leave her to it.

nickschick · 04/03/2011 08:37

It is v petty yes and I am sorry that your Mum and her friend are possibly going to lose that friendship.

Her friend might want her to be friends again when your mums a 'disciple' Grin.

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