To cut off my stepfather completely....

[JamaicaGeisha]

Background, I'm ttc with my dp.

I grew up with my mum, until she met my stepfather when I was 10.

He was good to me as a child, but since I was 16 (I am now 22), he has been extremely unpleasant towards me.

He says things such as, 'You will be a totally irresponsible parent, I mean, look, your flat is so untidy!' It isn't a show home by any means, but it is not bad. He makes racist remarks about my DP (different race to our family), remarks about my friends etc. He's lovely to everyone's face.

I used to argue with him, but I have now realised he is just a moron, and there's no point trying to reason with morons. The only reason I have stayed in contact is because it would upset my mother if I didn't. And because he is the parent of my two little half-sisters, who I absolutely adore.

But now I'm thinking seriously about children, I've realised I don't want them subjected to that sort of thing.

What do you think I should do?

Do you know what happened when you were 16 to change your relationship? Have you ever asked to sit down with him and try and work things out? Or spoken to your mother about it?

I had a very poor relationship with my stepfather, once I left home i generally arranged to see my Mum when he wasn't around. But it's different for you because of your half-sisters, it would be awful if you lost touch with them if you decided to cut your stepfather out of your life.

I grew into my own person, Polly, and he couldn't handle it. He doesn't agree with my 'lifestyle'. Which is strange, as I don't think I have a particular lifestyle.

My half-sisters are coming up to the age where they could come and see me by themselves. I'm not sure if my stepfather would try to prevent them coming to see me, though.

shameless bump I need some more advice

Ultimately you need to put your own (theoretical at this point) family first. Don't let your children see you being treated in this way unless you are prepared for them to think it's normal.

Since your children are theoretical at the mo (good luck ) you have the luxury of time to try to improve the situation.

If you can work out what's going on and why and how to change your relationship, all well and good. Otherwise, you can at least practice standing up for yourself / setting boundaries etc (which you likely already do.) You know him best, maybe a proper honest chat as adults is realistic or not. Maybe when he makes daft comments, calmly respond with a comment like "that's interesting, I wonder why you feel that way?" or similar. I.e. get him talking and explaining what he means rather than you constantly being in defensive / p*ssed-off mode.

Depending on the age of your step sisters, soon/eventually they'll be able to make up their own minds about who they spend time with.

Hopefully someone else with more relevant experience will comment soon. Good luck.

YANBU

Although im posting as someone who has had HUGE issues with my vile nasty violent 2 faced step Dad.

My step dad entered my life when i was 15... and he was vile to me and my sister from the beginning. I really had very good reason to hate him!

He made my mothers life a living hell and bullied her into staying... just as bullys do, he took every ounce of self confidence she had and made he unable to leave him.

My mum was a good actor and so many people didnt realised how unhappy she was and only nreally me and my sister witnessed his foul abusive and nasty personality.

The day he strangled me (and mum had to remove his hands from my neck) and gave me 7 bruises was the day i decided that my children were NEVER going to meet this vile man.

Quite a difficult decision to make as he attended family functions on BOTH sides of my family (yes he came to Christmas's, wedding, functions with my Dads family too )

However i decided that no matter how hard it made family life for the rest of my family, for ever i wouldnt back down and never wanted my children around him full stop.

My mum put up with everything and even went back to him after attacking me (how she slept in the same bed as a man who she had seen with her own eyes, attack her own daughter like an animal i'll never know )

Anyway id made it crystal clear and TOLD all members of my family how this vile man wont be seeing my children.... and it did cause lots of upset (but they could see my point)... My grandparents were distraught that their grandchild and great grandchildren wouldnt be attending any functions (we are a close family) but they couldnt uninvite thir daughter.
It was going to be my choice, and if i chose to make it it would really upset them but they;d have to get on with it.

I on the other hand wouldnt put my grandparents desires / wishes over the safety of my children.

Anyway randomly a year or so ago my mum saw the light and left the vile piece of shit

she is just weeks away from being legally divorced.
I'm also pregnant, baby in the way in the summer

What i am saying to you, OP, is that making the decision you want to make IS hard, but if its what you want to do.... then do it, and dont give in.

Good Luck!

Deathstare, my stepfather badmouths me in front of them already!

I think to meet in public is a good idea, as you said. I don't think we will invite him over anymore, especially when we have children.

If there are any racist remarks about my future DC I will never see him again. If he makes other, less harmful comments, I will just leave, as you suggested.

Nennyl I'm really sorry to hear about all that . Thank God your Mum's got shot of him! Congrats on your pregnancy too.

That's another issue I was thinking about, family functions. My stepfather acts like an angel in front of extended family (charmer type). Do you think it would work for my (future) DC to see him at these functions, where I am sure he wouldn't say anything negative, or would that confuse the situation?

Advice so far very useful

If this was me I'd talk to my mum about it and explain everything that you've said here. I think the idea of seeing him in public (where he has to behave) is very good. I would do that until my sisters were of an age where they had moved out of the family home and weren't under his direct influence, then I would avoid seeing him at all unless it was at events where contact couldn't be avoided (sisters weddings for example).

I think your mum has a responsibility to defend you and stop her husband from bad mouthing you to your sisters and also to stop him from being nasty about your DH. It is more than reasonable to tell her that unless he stops with the nasty remarks, you won't be seeing him. Someone like that shouldn't be around your DC.

When your sisters get older, perhaps you should talk to them about your relationship with their dad. Just so they don't get unduly influenced by him and never hear your part of things.

karma I agree my mother has a responsibility. Unfortunately she's never faced up to it. I can't make her, and I have given up on that altogether.

My sisters already know how our relationship is and think he is very wrong for doing so. Their relationship with him is good though.