being called names by my dp is hurtful?

[mummylouise]

Tonight karate night - dp normally takes kids, having been going past couple of wks as my little boy needs a bit of encourgement. Tonight after rushing to get tea ready and kids changed dp asks if i'm going, i said yes and he said well u can take them. I replied that i thought us going together to encourge all three - they have a grading coming up. He started shouting asking why i couldn't go myself and saying i was needy and pathetic. I took kids, them returned did some stuff in house. He decided he wanted to come to get them - but we are not speaking. Feel bit hurt at names - i was a single mother for 6 years and won't consider myself needy or pathetic. Am i over reacting???

Well you really dont have to take that shit and you should be assertive to him and tell him so tbh.

had problems when i got ill - currently under assessment for a liver transplant - he didn't handle it very well.
has been better guess thats why when we argue i always get a bit shocked.

don't think he copes well whenever i get ill - even if its just a cold!

think the whole illness thing is not what he signed up for - was seriously ill in hosp was only given a year to live without transplant. now trying new drugs which seem to be working but have to be very careful about catching colds and such - difficult with kids!

"don't think he copes well whenever I get ill - event if its just a cold! WTF is going to happen if you have a transplant??????

and he can't be arsed to take the kids to karate for you, when you have recently been laid up with a virus ?

this is the ssecond time I've said that on this thread...have you asked yourself why you would be with someone so unsupportive ?

well he did have to look after kids and work when i was last in hosp so he would do it again.
i don't want to make him out to be awful, he isn't, i just think that he doesn't cope well with illness

peterandre - he is supportive most of the time.
i will speak to him about the name calling and make it clear its not on.

well then be prepared for him to continue to shout and for you to be upset by his words when he is not coping with illness.

ok kids r in bed so will go now and try to resolve this. thanks again for ur comments and support, it was much needed x

a bloke who has to be told it's "not on" to call his partner names in front of the kids and "isn't good with illness" when you have a serious and chronic one ?

not a good idea, love, seriously

Tell him VERY FIRMLY (I did this with my DP)

That if he calls you names or brings up 'character traits' in an argument or at any other time, that you won't be able to take it anymore and you will be leaving him.

Remind him at the beginning of every argument. Worked great for me

No-one signs up for illness its one of those horrible things that creeps up on us.

You sign up for a relationship, for better or worse, in sickness and in health. Whether married or not, whether intending to marry or not, you love someone you love them unconditionally.

He may be scared, I accept that, but he needs to consider you and your DC's are scared too.

update - we talked last night, he said sorry. think it was just a one off. thanks again for advice

My DP has done this before and he wasn't coping with things well either. I did tell him he needed to talk to me about what he was feeling when this irrational anger and namecalling came upon him (I don't enjoy the best of health after two bouts of cancer). My DP admitted he was drowning in these feelings he couldn't understand. We both went to our doctor, and DP has depression. I have bi-polar and could defo see depression on him but he needed to see the doc and be dx. He's on AD's now and receiving counselling. I'm praying for the future, things are improving.

I know you are the one who is dealing with the worst of the situation and you have so so much to bear, you really do. But look at it like this, everything you are going through emotionally, your fears and your worries, so is he, but in a different lesser way obviously.

He is a human being, just like the rest of us, and he is under tremendous pressure too. He may need a little propping up of his own, so that he can support you as you deserve to be.

Don't you be the one to do it though, get outside help for him, to enable him to be strong for you and your DC's.

Thinking of you and prayers for your health and home life xx

thank you so much librapoppygirl - ur thoughts r appricated.

Absolutely agree with Librapoppygirl.

The prevailing attitude on MN seems to be that the solution to relationship problems is to leave the relationship. Somehow this is seen as a sign of strength in a woman. I consider it to be running away and indicative of the throwaway attitude that society has to many things don't fix it get a new one.

The first step is to recognise what is going on, the second is to fix it and only if it is unfixable should you throw it away. In cases of domestic violence etc of course you remove the danger to yourself and kids and then see if the perpetrator is willing to recognise and get help (i.e. "fix" the problem) if not then you decide relationship is over.

OP in your case it seems to me that

1. There are a lot of stressors in your household:

a. Your health b.He works from home, I assume due to your health-you don't work outside the home - therefore when does anyone get any "me time" c.He is the only income, is he worried that during the recession, or if he has to take time off when you are ill that he will not be able to fulfill that role?

1. Some people can't cope with illness, I'm one - I feel powerless and frustrated because I can't fix whatever is wrong with my loved ones. I'd far rather be ill myself that DP or one iof the kids be unwell.

1. Last week was half term and I assume the kids were home. No matter how quiet they were this may have impacted on his working, then you were ill and he had to look after the kids at the weekend. This will have created more stress.

1. You don't appear to communicate, you assumed that he would go with you to Karate, he assumed that if you were taking them then he need not. He may have intended to catch up on work and then been frustrated that he could not because you expected him to go with you. If he feels that he is being both the bread winner and the carer, this may result in him thinking he is needed to do everything which would translate into you being needy.

You both need to sit down and TALK about the above issues. You may need help/counselling to resolve them and to cope with your illness. Do the kids often go to their Dads or grandparents giving you space to be together as a couple? Are either or both of you depressed, this will make tempers short and unreasonable outbursts and reactions?

Please talk to each other about these issues and get help where it is needed rather than ditching him immediately because he has behaved in an unacceptable manner.

calling you needy isnt really name calling, i thought he called you a whore or something...

it sounds like hes a bit tired or tense from having the children while you have been ill, not your fault but difficult anyway.

The times he is fine Mummylousie is when all his anger is brewing and he obviously has an anger issue and a fowl temper. He uses you as an excuse to let it all out . He takes it out on his nearest and dearest. .The bastard.
He is using this anger/loud shouting to manipulate you and intimdate you .
I do understand cos my Ex was exactly the same. If you didnt do what he wanted there was an explosion. You are NOT to blame, this is not your fault/problem.
Where is his compassion...?
You are waiting for a liver transplant? Has he no compassion?
Its his problem if he couldnt handle it well hearing you need this. He should be supporting you in any way you can.
He should be agreeing to come with you to see the kids do their thing...He is the one who is needy and pathetic. Plus, he is a bully and a nasty bit of work, who doesnt feel good about himself. Dont let him use you as a punch bag...you are better than that.
Stick up for yourself and your kids.

I'm with Libra and Takeresponsibility when it comes to how men deal with their partners' health issues... Some are better than others!!!
It's hard to say what to do in your case but I totally agree you should always explain to your DP how that situation made you feel and that it's not acceptable for it to happen again.
It's a very slippery slope so DO NOT allow this to become the norm.
There are a few things you can before considering splitting up as some have posted above.
I really hope things work out for you.

You need to make it clear that it's not acceptable to say those things to you . . . EVER!

Sorry you are not well. That must be scary for all of you. That's what makes his comments particularly hurtful I think.

YANBU we used to argue with name calling and now agree that is it disrespectful, unhelpful in resolution and hurtful.

I am very strict about this now as DH slips sometimes and I am very explicit and point out that 'X' is not nice, nothing to do with argument and putting me down/hurting me with names is nasty and bullying behaviour. I stand up for myself very firmly but without fighting fire with fire.

I have also learnt to leave him not retaliate after stating the above and he always ends up looking like shite and apologises. Thankfully this does not happen very often. We are much better at saying stop lets talk about this later or get xyz (domestic chores whatever out of the way) first.

YANBU, stick up for yourself without retaliation or further provocation.

takeresponsibility - without knowing me u seem to have summed up the situation really well.
we have talked and everything feels better this morning. he does go out a couple of times a week - goes on weekends away and stuff so think he gets plently of me time. more than i do. no one else too look after my kids - parents every couple of months they would have kids overnight. don't see their dad very often - saw this jan after an 18 months gap - ex's choice.